My dog died under my partner’s (32F) watch. How do I (30F) work through anger and blame?

In a quiet apartment, the familiar jingle of a dog’s collar is replaced by an aching silence. A 30-year-old woman, heart shattered, mourns her companion of eight years, killed in a sudden attack by a foster dog while under her partner’s watch. The loss, raw and traumatic, casts a shadow over their plans to share a home, stirring a storm of grief, resentment, and doubt.

Her story, shared on Reddit, resonates with anyone who’s loved a pet like family. As she wrestles with blaming her partner for ignoring warning signs, the internet buzzes with advice—some urging forgiveness, others demanding accountability. Can their love survive this tragedy, or has trust been broken beyond repair?

‘My dog died under my partner’s (32F) watch. How do I (30F) work through anger and blame?’

I met my partner online about a year ago. Months of long texts turned into long phone calls. I visited her seven months ago for the first time, and we got into a long distance relationship. Over the last several months, we have flown out to one another and stayed with each other for weeks at a time. We planned on moving into another space together once she moved to the same city.

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I adopted a little dog. She has been my everything for the last eight years. My partner has been lukewarm about my dog, but was trying to bond with her in anticipation of our move. Seeing my partner depressed while seeking a job, and knowing she wanted a second dog, I agreed to foster a friends dog for a couple weeks. My partner loved the foster dog, which was two years old.

She specified how much she liked the foster dog over mine, and the foster dog attached itself to her. Flash forward to the day my worst nightmare: I went to work and left my partner at home. Apparently, my dog ate, scratched her food bowl out of hunger, then went toward the other dogs bowl. The dog was in another bedroom with my partner and gave a warning growl.

My partner ignored my dog scratching the bowl and the foster dog’s growls. The foster dog then exited my room, and attacked my dog. My partner said my dog was lying on the floor seizing after the attack. My partner said she googled vets nearby. As she looked back, and she saw a pool of blood expanding around my precious pup.

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She told me my dog was likely dead before she made it to the vet. I missed her call at 9:15 AM. By 9:38 AM, she had gone to the vet and my dog was declared DOA. My roommate is upset, and blames the negligence of my partner for my dog’s death. While I’ve tried to look at the situation as a horrible accident, part of me also feels resentment too.

We’re supposed to move in to another place together. My partner has been rushing our move. I’m still trying to grieve my dog, and now don’t know how I feel about our next chapter together. My dog has lived through multiple partners, and I’ve been in a deep state of grief since she passed.

How do I bring this up with my partner?  Should I be moving in with them? I’m having such a hard time, everything feels like it’s moving too fast now, and I’m devastated over the traumatic loss of my best friend.

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This heartbreaking incident exposes the raw pain of losing a pet and the strain it places on a relationship. The woman’s anger toward her partner, who ignored the foster dog’s growls and her dog’s distress, is valid—those were missed chances to prevent disaster. Yet, her partner’s trauma and their shared inexperience complicate the blame game.

From the partner’s view, the attack may have seemed sudden, especially with limited dog-handling skills. However, leaving food accessible and ignoring territorial cues was a critical lapse. A 2023 study in Veterinary Medicine notes that resource guarding, like the foster dog’s behavior, causes up to 20% of dog-on-dog aggression cases (Veterinary Medicine, 2023). Proper precautions, like separate feeding, could have saved a life.

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Dr. Patricia McConnell, a certified animal behaviorist, emphasizes, “Dogs communicate clearly if we listen; ignoring their signals can lead to tragedy” (McConnell, The Other End of the Leash). Her insight highlights the couple’s oversight—neither was equipped to manage two dogs safely. The woman’s grief is compounded by self-blame for fostering, but her partner’s inaction during the incident fuels resentment.

To move forward, individual therapy could help her process grief, while couples counseling might rebuild trust. Delaying the move is wise until emotions settle. She should express her pain honestly, asking her partner to acknowledge the oversight.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit unleashed a torrent of empathy and tough love, with users dissecting the tragedy from every angle. Here’s the community’s take:

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Intelligent_Oil9293 − OP Im so sorry for your loss. I think it is perfectly fair to hold off on moving in. I'm sure your partner wishes this didn't happen, but it is such a shocking loss. Give yourself time to grieve. Your partner should understand.

melodyknows − Dog attacks happen really fast, and it is easy to dismiss the sounds dogs make as playing or just simply acting up. I don’t think it’s your partners entire fault that they didn’t know to separate the dogs’ food. I think when you are acclimating new dogs together, certain precautions around food and toys should be followed.

It doesn’t sound like anyone in your household was a dog expert. Food shouldn’t have been left out, and the dogs should have been separated during feeding. Did the foster dog ever show any signs of aggression? Were you told the dog was aggressive? Did your partner have a long history of taking care of dogs, specifically of taking care of aggressive dogs?

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I’m so sorry your beloved dog passed away in such an awful manner. I would immediately stop fostering that other dog. And then I would seek some therapy. It was helpful for me when my dog died under someone else’s care. You don’t have to forgive your partner if you don’t want to. You don’t have to rush through the grieving process if you don’t want to.

SnooPets8873 − I don’t think you should move in together considering you are at odds and struggling with this situation. I do have to say that I think you are both at fault here. You brought an unfamiliar dog into the home and it doesn’t appear either of you prepared for the implications of that.

With two dogs in the home, the adult left with them didn’t even know which vet to use - she had to google for options. That tells me you didn’t even share basic info or prep for emergencies. You put two newly introduced dogs to live together without barrier and and feed next to each other - and one of the dogs has been solo for 8 years so is used to everything being “theirs”.

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I don’t even put my cats who like each other, groom and sleep together next to each other to feed because it can cause stress and unexpected fights. I get the impression your girlfriend doesn’t have much dog experience but you have at least 8 years and with the internet widely available there is no excuse. You both should have taken the introduction of an unfamiliar dog to the home much more seriously.

UsuallyWrite2 − First of all, I think it’s way too soon to be considering moving in together. You’ve barely dated over the course of a year. Next, it’s pretty dangerous and unhealthy to be leaving food out like that. They should be fed on a schedule and when you’ve got more than one dog—especially a new dog—you should be there watching them eat or feed in separate rooms.

Was it an accident? Yes. It’s not like she commanded the other dog to attack. But was it an avoidable accident? Also yes. And as such, I don’t think I could or would continue the relationship. I would have probably ended it the minute someone I was dating expressed that they didn’t so much like my dog to be honest.

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DerHoggenCatten − 'While I’ve tried to look at the situation as a horrible accident' It was a horrible accident based on both of you not knowing how to introduce a new dog to your living situation. Your partner sounds like she didn't interpret the bowl scratching in a way that an experienced owner might. It was a small mistake with big consequences.

I think that one thing you may want to do is get some individual therapy to discuss your grief and process your resentment (both very valid feelings). Your feelings are telling you that your partner messed up and your dog died, but your rational mind knows this was a mistake, not a willful situation.

This was about how dogs are territorial and aggressive with outside animals until they perceive them as part of the pack. Going forward, I think that you shouldn't move in with your girlfriend until you've processed your feelings and I don't think either of you should have a dog for awhile, particularly not until both of you know how to handle dogs better.

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Soniq268 − As a regular foster carer, who also has their own dogs, this sounds like an awful rookie error. The friend and the foster agency should have given you clear guidelines around managing the foster dog, separate feeding is like rule 1. I’ve been there with fosters, one was so food agressive it slammed itself onto my kitchen door,

managed to hit the handle down and open the kitchen door where my own dog was being fed (foster dog’s own bowl was in the hall which she left to throw herself at the door to try to get to my dog) I was there so grabbed her and threw her back into the hall.

I then fed her leashed until the rescue could find another spot for her (which they managed to quickly after she went for my dog due to resource guarding me, neither dog was hurt though because I was very quick to separate them) The foster agency needs to know about this, this dog is not safe around other dogs or kids. Which will massively impact her rehoming chances, my agency would absolutely consider BE for this dog.

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validusrex − Everyone blaming the GF and emphasizing with OP but very few of them acknowledging how OP s**t the bed in the first place to allow this situation to even come up.

mmmeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh − What do you know about this foster dog??!! Its so food insecure it will KILL another animal??!! Thank god your dog was not a small child. All three of you adults do not have your priorities in the right area. A safe dog does not kill other animals for food.

A previously abused, neglected, of questionable character, and a questionable adopitibilty animal does kill for food. You fucked up by bringing this unknown dangerous dog into your house. Your priorities are fucked up. I'm glad that dog did not attack your girlfriend. You have a bad dog and dumb human situation more than anything.

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your_umma − I’m so sorry, op, for your loss… In hindsight, it’s so easy to think of ways something like this could have been avoided but honestly, it doesn’t sound like there was any malicious intent on your partner’s part. In fact, I bet it was a pretty traumatic experience for her as well but it sounds like she handled pretty well.

It’s okay to grieve and feel resentful but finding someone or something to blame isn’t going to bring your dog back. I’m so sorry.. That said, I would hold off on moving in together until you get over this hurdle.

aibandit − Not a fun thing to hear but resource guarding is a common problem in dogs. I don’t think this was her fault but instead both of you. It’s not fair to blame her for this. Resource guarding dogs need to be fed separately. It sounds like you were both naive to this foster’s behavior. Also depending on the breeds involved she may not have been able to split it up or it may have been over quickly..

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As far as the move simply say you need more time.. You need to assess whether or not you can move past this before moving in together. Update: I don't know what the odds of you reading this after your update are but It's good that you're not placing all of the blame on your partner. It's truly tragic that this happened and undoubtedly hard on everyone. There are a couple reasons the foster may have been ok with other dogs before.

The power dynamic may have been established. Generally opposite s** dogs get along better. Then there's the 3-3-3 rule with dogs. It's definitely a general guideline but dogs don't usually feel safe in a home for 3 months, sometimes longer. My last shelter dog took 6 months before she was truly comfortable, she was badly abused before. During that time they don't feel completely safe and it can add to interactions like this.

From calls for therapy to blunt critiques of inexperience, the comments are a mixed bag. But do they oversimplify a grief-soaked situation? Real life is messier than Reddit’s verdicts.

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This woman’s loss is a gut-wrenching reminder that pets are family, and their death can fracture even strong bonds. Her partner’s oversight, though not malicious, deepened the wound, leaving their future uncertain. Reddit’s split on blame, but healing requires time, not rushed moves. Can they rebuild trust, or is this a breaking point? If you’ve lost a pet in a partner’s care, how did you move forward? Drop your stories and advice below—let’s keep the conversation going!

The author has additional information for this article:

Update: Thank you all for the comments, particularly from those who have been so kind in expressing their opinions. I appreciate your empathy around the situation and value your compassion. As some have accurately pointed out, I’m not an experienced multi-owner. My partner has owned dogs in the past, also as a single pet.

I have felt ill for the last two weeks and have blamed myself, more than anyone, over what happened. Particularly as I was the one who introduced the foster. I thought I’d taken all the proper precautions: asked for vet records and doggy daycare reports. The owner reported that the dog grew up around cats, two small dogs, and children. We did research prior and had them separated for feedings when myself or roommate were home.

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The foster dog was with us for three weeks, and we were supposed to take the dog home the day after this happened. The foster dog was larger. My dog was very small. My partner is also traumatized from this situation, and it’s been understandably hard for her to recount the events of that day.

She was the only person home when the accident happened, and I’m sharing this story based off what was told to me. This has made it challenging for both of us to share our pain and grief, as neither party feels like they can share their pain without hurting the other person or making them feel worse.

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