My daughter is dying of complications from cancer. My wife and I don’t agree on final interventions. How do we come to an agreement on something as profound as this?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a sterile hospital room, a father’s tears blur the sight of his 5-year-old daughter, fading fast from cancer’s relentless grip. Her liver failing, her time dwindling to hours, he and his wife face an unbearable choice: pursue aggressive interventions like CPR or intubation, or let her slip away peacefully. He wants to spare her pain; she clings to any chance of survival. Their love for their daughter binds them, yet their paths diverge in this heart-shattering moment.

This isn’t just a medical decision; it’s a crucible of grief, love, and partnership under unimaginable strain. Their struggle echoes the agony of parents forced to weigh hope against suffering. Readers may feel the weight of their dilemma, wondering how to find unity when every choice feels like a betrayal of love.

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‘My daughter is dying of complications from cancer. My wife and I don’t agree on final interventions. How do we come to an agreement on something as profound as this?’

I apologize if this doesn't come across coherent. Too much ugly crying. We have been battling cancer for many months now. Her liver has started to fail and despite all efforts we have been told by the doctors that short of a miracle she will likely die within the next 24hours.

Eventually we are looking at a few possible situations at the end. Either her brain will stop working and she will die that way. She could also reach a point wher she can't get enough oxygen without intubation. The other option is she goes into cardiac arrest.

If she goes into cardiac arrest they can attempt CPR. We have been told that due to the tumor growing in her spine chest compressions will likely break her back. If she needs to be intubated it is quite possible that the process would cause so much damage (she has already started bleeding in her lungs slightly last night) that she would essentially drown in her own blood.

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Both interventions we have been told have a low chance of surviving. Even if we do she could have brain damage from high ammonia levels. On top of that she is still battling stage 4 cancer of a cry aggressive kind that will still likely kill her. I don't want either of these interventions as I feel she has gone through enough.

My wife wants to do any and all interventions needed. I don't want her to suffer any more. I don't want my wife to resent me wanting this. We have tried to talk about it a few times but haven't come to an agreement. A part of me feels like a POS for not wanting to try anything but I just don't want her to suffer anymore if we only get a few more weeks/months.

What do I do to find common ground. I tried asking a social worker at the hospital last night but didn't get a great answer on how to find a compromise. Perhaps someone on here has gone through a similar problem and can help with some advice. edit: thank you for the advice everyone. My wife and I have agreed on a plan.

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We are looking at the final few hours almost certainly. Please support childhood cancer research. No parent should have to go through this. 2nd edit: I appreciate all the advice and I want to give another update. Firstly, my daughter is only 5. I don't believe she is capable of truely understanding her death.

Either way this all happened rather quickly. Last week she was getting a few hours outside of the hospital and enjoying life. She was very alert and still strong enough to walk around with help. Her liver failure is a due to a rare condition called VOD which came on her very quickly.

Within the span of 24 hours she lost her ability to communicate with us due to toxic levels of ammonia in her blood. She does still have a chance, albeit small, to come out the other side of this. The medicine to heal her liver just hasn't had enough time. She has already been intubated before a couple months ago and came out fine.

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My wife and I decided to try intubation again but say no to CPR. She was intubated a couple hours ago. So far she has stabilized and at the very least she is much more comfortable now due to the sedation than she was before being intubated.

Both my wife and I are ok with the decision and have agreed to no further interventions. Thank you everyone for your love,support, good vives and prayers you are sending. We'll take all the positive energy we can get.

Facing a child’s imminent death, the parents’ disagreement reflects their desperate love. The father sees CPR or intubation as prolonging suffering—likely breaking her spine or causing lung damage—while the mother grasps at slim survival odds, fearing regret. Their compromise (intubation but no CPR) shows progress, but the emotional toll remains. Both want what’s best, yet grief clouds clarity.

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End-of-life decisions for children are agonizing, with 80% of pediatric cancer deaths involving such choices (Journal of Palliative Medicine). Dr. Chris Feudtner, a pediatric palliative care expert, says, “Parents need space to process, not pressure to agree” (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia). The parents’ differing views stem from coping mechanisms—one prioritizing peace, the other hope.

Palliative care teams or hospital chaplains can mediate, ensuring both voices are heard. The parents should express fears—like resentment or guilt—in a safe space, perhaps with a counselor. Focusing on their daughter’s comfort, as they’ve begun, aligns their love. Support groups like Candlelighters can offer solace, connecting them with others who’ve faced this pain.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit community poured out their hearts, offering wisdom and empathy like a virtual embrace. It was a tender mix of shared grief and practical advice, with users drawing from personal losses to guide the parents. Here’s their heartfelt input:

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Ipsissima_verba − As an outsider my inclination would be to let her go. As a mother I’m not sure how I would react. My heart breaks for you and this horrible situation.

blueleaf63 − Really there are 2 options, she dies as her parents hold her and talk to her or she dies as doctors and nurses do cpr/intubate her. CPR and intubation are not fun, ribs will break, she'll be poked and prodded.

Let's say she survives cpr/intubation, she most likely will be braindead and pass anyways from disease progression. If your wife realises this and still wants her to be a full code, then it's her choice, not something you will agree on. Many parents want everything done to avoid the unavoidable.

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TomatoLampshade − When I couldn't let go and was asking EMTs to take a terminally ill relative to the hospital, they asked me, 'we can do it, but what do you expect from these interventions?'. That moment I understood.

pamlovesjim − I lost my 8 month old to a brain tumor and had to make these decisions. I just want you to know that I’m holding you and your wife in my heart as you go through this, hoping that maybe I soak up an ounce of your pain.. Whatever decision you make the is the right one- peace be with you all.

[Reddit User] − My daughter was three months old. She was born with a heart defect that before birth, before surgery they all assured us was fixable and that she would grow up and live a normal life. Surgery seemed to go well but she was hit with infection in her lungs and blood.

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We tried everything. Every machine, every treatment, every antibiotic, there was a crash card outside her room at all times and she almost passed away 3 times before that last day. Her organs were failing, her brain function had started to fluctuate and by that last day, even if they had managed to bring her back one more time, she wouldnt have been there anymore.

My daughters body might have had a slim chance of survival, but her mind was gone. She had already had countless surgeries and treatment. I couldnt put her through any more. They asked me if I wanted to hold her, my husband asked if that meant, that it, nothing else could be done successfully and the doctor said yes, it was over.

They gave her a dose of morphine and my Katie passed away in my arms. Im sorry your going through this, I know the feelings too well, honestly, your wife isnt going to be able to be convinced, if she dosent come to the choice herself. Have the doctors explain exactly what doing 'everything' would do to her, and if she still wants to then its your choice to fight it or not.. Again, I am so very sorry.

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[Reddit User] − Nurse here, 6 years in ICU before transferring to another dept. Firstly, I'm sure the care team has provided pain meds to keep her comfortable. If they're administering what I assume they're administering, your daughter will not feel the effects of CPR or intubation.

That being said, in my experience, the most difficult part is going to come after she passes. Your wife will ALWAYS wonder if she made the right decision, and there's a chance she will blame you if you guys do decide to sign a DNR. What that means for you as a couple is up to you, I just wanted you to know I've seen it time and again.

KaciX9 − There comes a point where not doing anything is the kindest option. What’s the point in delaying the inevitable for a few more hours. I’m of the mind set that it’s cruel to keep someone suffering for longer than they have to just because someone els can’t let go.

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chellams − ICU nurse here. I see the far end of life every day. Family members who are unable to let go of their parents and grandparents, and force us to perform heroic measures (cpr, intubation, etc) on old and frail people who will never recover.

It is terrible to behold, and every time, once the family is made to actually watch us do this to their loved one, they ask us to stop. From the sound of it, your daughter has nearly reached her end. I cannot express how sorry I am for you that you have to go through this.

But I beg of you and your wife to not cause your daughter more pain and suffering to only slightly extend her life. Talk to her doctor, and have him/her talk to your wife, and explain everything, and what she will go through if she remains a full code. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys,

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and I hope you and your wife are able to jointly make a decision. And I hope and pray that you guys get through this without the strife that I see so often. Edit: also as a parent, I don’t want to ever have to make this decision, but if I were in your shoes, I would let her go.

LorienTheFirstOne − I don't suppose your daughter ever expressed any opinion on this? If so, give that a lot of weight.. Are you a religious family? If so perhaps your religious leader could be of assistance. Many hospitals have social workers to help with this kind of discussion, you can ask the nurses if that's an option.. My thoughts are with you in this very tough time.

[Reddit User] − As a child I would hope that my parents would let me go, to be kind and let me rest. But also please spend these last hours with her as much as possible. She loves you, give her your most loving self as you can.

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Redditors urged compassion over conflict, sharing stories of letting go or fighting on. Their words carry the weight of experience, but do they fully bridge the parents’ divide, or simply mirror their pain?

This couple’s journey through their daughter’s final hours reveals the raw edges of love and loss. Their fragile compromise is a testament to their devotion, yet the shadow of grief looms. No parent should face such choices, but their story reminds us to cherish every moment. Have you navigated a profound disagreement with a loved one? How would you find peace in an impossible decision? Share your thoughts below.

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