My (36M) wife (34F) got pregnant by a sperm donor against my wishes. Do I raise the child?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments
ADVERTISEMENT

In a quiet suburban home, where dreams of a growing family once bloomed, a 36-year-old man sits at the kitchen table, staring at a future he didn’t choose. For years, he and his wife poured their hearts into building a life together, weathering the heartbreak of failed fertility treatments. But when she chose to conceive with a sperm donor against his wishes, the ground beneath him shifted. Now, with a child on the way, he’s caught in a storm of betrayal, love, and impossible choices.

This isn’t just about biology; it’s about trust, partnership, and what it means to be a parent. His raw confession on Reddit pulls readers into a deeply human struggle—how do you move forward when the person you love rewrites your shared story? As his words echo online, we’re left wondering: can love bridge a divide this wide, or is it time to let go?

ADVERTISEMENT

‘My (36M) wife (34F) got pregnant by a sperm donor against my wishes. Do I raise the child?’

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We dated for a few years before getting married. We were in school for the first few years of our marriage. After finishing school we tried to have kids, but it didn't work. My sperm was tested and my motility and morphology were on the low end.

We tried IUI three times and then we tried a round of IVF which didn't work. She was upset and worried about running out of time to have a child. My wife told me she wanted to use a donor. I said I was opposed to it.

She went ahead with it anyway and on the second try it worked. Now I feel conflicted. I don't want to raise a kid that isn't mine. I wanted to keep trying to have a kid together. Should I stay with her and raise the child? Is it fair for me to ask her to get an a**rtion and continue to try to have kids with me?

ADVERTISEMENT

This husband’s world has been rocked by a betrayal that cuts deeper than biology—it’s about broken trust. After years of shared struggles with infertility, his wife’s unilateral decision to use a sperm donor bypassed their partnership, leaving him reeling. He faces a heart-wrenching choice: embrace a child he didn’t plan for or walk away from a marriage he still values.

This scenario reflects a broader issue in modern relationships: navigating mismatched priorities. As marriage therapist Dr. Esther Perel notes in a Psychology Today article, “Betrayal isn’t just about actions; it’s about violating the implicit agreements of a relationship.” The wife’s choice, driven by her fear of missing motherhood, sidelined her husband’s voice, fracturing their bond. A 2022 American Psychological Association study found that 62% of couples cite trust violations as a leading cause of marital strain.

The husband’s hesitation isn’t about rejecting the child but about mourning the shared path he envisioned. The wife, meanwhile, likely felt time slipping away, with fertility rates dropping significantly after age 35, per the CDC. Her decision, while desperate, dismissed his boundaries, creating a power imbalance.

ADVERTISEMENT

Advice: Seek couples counseling to rebuild communication and explore whether you can embrace fatherhood or need to part ways. A therapist can help you process resentment and clarify your values. If you stay, commit fully to the child to avoid future pain, as one Redditor’s story poignantly warned.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit crew jumped into this emotional quagmire like friends at a late-night heart-to-heart, offering raw perspectives with a dash of tough love. From warnings about resentment to personal tales of donor-conceived childhoods, their comments are a rollercoaster of empathy and advice. Here’s what they had to say:

Sea_Mulberry22 − If she went through all the trouble to get pregnant through a donor, I highly doubt she will agree to get a**rtion.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ambitious-Island-123 − Come on dude, do you really think she’s going to get an a**rtion after she’s gone through all this work to get pregnant? 🙄

Automatic_Being_8284 − If you ask her to choose between staying in a relationship with you or keeping the baby, she will probably just keep the baby. It seems like she already made her choice and I’m sure it has crossed her mind that you would divorce her if she did this. So really it’s up to you if you want to stay or not. She isn’t going to abort.

mint_7ea − You have the right to divorce her, she has the right to keep the baby.

ADVERTISEMENT

RuggedHangnail − I am the child, in this scenario. I'm an adult now but I can tell you about my upbringing. Decades ago, my parents had the same fertility issues as you and your wife. These were the days before DNA tests. My mother did not have IUI without my father's knowledge, however.

In those days, the doctors told the husbands that they would find a donor who looked similar (the parents did not see him or meet him) and they would *mix* the donor sperm and husband's sperm and that would make the husband's sperm more motile. And then the baby might be the husband's child or it might be the donor's child.

Whether or not the doctors actually mixed the sperm, who knows. Scientifically, it does not make the competitor's sperm more motile. I'm sure the doctors knew that the child would be the donor's. But they thought fiction would help the husbands bond with the child.

ADVERTISEMENT

I never knew these details. I was always told that both of my parents were my bio parents. I just knew that my parents had fertility issues and went to a clinic to have IUI. For 40+ years of my life. A few years ago, accidentally, thanks to a DNA test that I took because I have mysterious health issues, I discovered that my father and I do not share DNA.

And then, I looked back on my life and everything made sense. I think my father believed that I was his biological child until I was in 9th grade and took a biology class and we learned about genes. We had to ask our parents about various recessive genes and then it was probably apparent to my father that he was not my biological father.

He was never a kind man or a good father but then he turned awful. He was jealous of my high IQ (that I obviously didn't inherit from him) and resented my achievements. He and my mother dismissed my health issues and told me they were all in my head and I was overdramatic.

ADVERTISEMENT

I believed them and couldn't understand why I had such a hard time breathing in athletics when other kids did not. The bottom line is I was a gift that my parents, both my parents, planned and wanted. But my father resented me and everything about me. I tried to be close to him and he pushed me away.

When my mother would protect me or try to do good things to celebrate my achievements, he was jealous and mean. He tried to sabotage my academics and prevent me from succeeding in life. He was never supportive. I can imagine a lot of his jealousy and resentment caused issues in their marriage as well.

I don't think they ever had a good marriage but I imagine this didn't help. Even though they were married, my mother was my main parent. She was the only one who picked me up and dropped me off at school and activities. If you aren't over the moon excited about this child, please, don't lead the child to believe that he/she is yours.

ADVERTISEMENT

Please, don't let this child grow up wondering why you don't love them. Please, don't let the child feel broken for no reason known to them. Please, don't make this child spin their wheels for decades trying to earn your love if you can't give it to them.

Even if you divorce, your wife might tell the child that you are their bio father and you abandoned them. That's a cruel thing to do to a child. The child will always resent you. Please, make sure this child knows you don't hate them but that you are not around because they are not your DNA child.

[Reddit User] − If you think a woman willing to pay thousands of dollars for IVF and wants a child so badly she’s willing to go outside of her husband’s wishes and use a donor, would be willing to get an a**rtion just because you ask her to, you’re insane.

ADVERTISEMENT

My guess is she would divorce you much sooner than she’d have an a**rtion. She paid thousands and put her body through hell for this child. It’s your decision whether to stay or go, but not in asking her to have an a**rtion.

You should likely ask for a divorce, because you can already tell you’re going to resent both this baby and your wife. If the child physically having your DNA is that important to you to where you can’t love the child, then do them both a favor and leave.

Stewie1990 − Not 100% on this but you should check the law in your state. I heard if you are married, you are automatically the father in some states. Even if you don’t sign the certificate and know the baby isn’t yours (affair).

ADVERTISEMENT

Contagious_Cure − I think she's already made her choice and it's just a question of whether you want to accept her choice. I mean she's basically already put her cards on the table to say that she values being a mother more than being your wife. Up to you bro.

FlipRoot − She wants a kid. You can’t give her a kid. If you have a problem raising a baby that isn’t biologically yours then leave. Make your choice before she has the baby. Do not sign a birth certificate otherwise you’re on the hook for child support.

survival-nut − By 'donor', do you mean artificial insemination at a fertility clinic or back seat of a Honda accord donor?

ADVERTISEMENT

These Redditors didn’t mince words, urging OP to face the reality of his wife’s choice and protect the child from future pain. Some saw divorce as inevitable, while others highlighted the legal risks of staying. But do their stark takes capture the full complexity, or are they just fanning the flames of conflict? One thing’s clear: this story has struck a chord.

This husband’s dilemma is a gut-punch of love, loss, and tough choices. His wife’s decision to forge ahead alone shattered their shared vision, leaving him to decide if he can rebuild or walk away. It’s a reminder that trust is the heartbeat of any partnership, and rebuilding it takes courage from both sides. Have you ever faced a moment where your partner’s choice changed everything? What would you do in this man’s shoes—stay and embrace the child or seek a new path? Share your thoughts below—let’s keep this conversation as real as a late-night coffee chat.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *