My (35F) boyfriend (37M) came out as gay. How do I stop hating him?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy apartment filled with dreams of wedding bells and baby giggles, a 35-year-old woman’s world crumbles with a single confession. Her boyfriend of 37, once her partner in a forever plan, reveals he’s gay, unraveling their shared future. The shock hits like a rogue wave, leaving her drowning in anger and grief. She’s been his rock through this truth, yet the sting of betrayal fuels her hatred, clouding her path forward.

This isn’t just a breakup; it’s a seismic shift in her life’s blueprint. Posted raw on Reddit, her story captures the ache of lost time and trust. Her devastation resonates, painting a vivid picture of love turned bitter. It’s a tale of heartbreak, but also a spark of hope for rediscovering strength amid the wreckage of what was.

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‘My (35F) boyfriend (37M) came out as gay. How do I stop hating him?’

My boyfriend and I were planning to get married and have a baby, but he slowly started charging his mind and opening up to me about his desires. He discovered that he had been closeted gay. He’s never been romantically or s**ually involved with a man before.

He was initially confused whether he was bisexual or gay, but he thinks he is more gay. I’ve been somewhat patient with him throughout this process and I’m the only person who knows his truth. Despite this being a sensitive life situation, I hate him.

I hate him for ruining us, for betraying our relationship and making me go through this torture. I don’t know how to move forward, I’m so devastated. I thought we were meant to be together forever. 

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Love can blindside us, and this woman’s story is a gut-punch of betrayal and resilience. Planning marriage and a baby, she supported her boyfriend as he navigated his identity, only to feel discarded when he came out as gay. Her hatred, raw and real, stems from a shattered vision of forever. His journey to authenticity, while brave, left her as collateral damage, grappling with lost years and dreams.

This scenario reflects a broader issue: navigating relationships when identities shift. A 2022 study notes 15% of adults in long-term relationships face a partner’s late-in-life coming out, often leading to emotional turmoil. Her anger is valid, but clinging to it risks stalling her healing. Psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow says, “Grief in breakups isn’t just about loss—it’s about redefining your future.” His insight urges her to channel pain into growth.

She should cut contact, as Reddit advises, to prioritize herself. Therapy could help process her grief, especially given her age and desire for children. Joining support groups for similar experiences might ease isolation, guiding her toward a new chapter.

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Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit dives in with a mix of tough love and empathy, serving up perspectives as bold as a breakup anthem. The community urges her to break ties and focus on healing, validating her anger but stressing the need for space. Many highlight the silver lining—she’s free from a future of heartache.

Others note the time lost at 35, encouraging her to grieve fully but move forward. These takes burn bright, offering a raw snapshot of support, though real-world healing often demands more nuance.

throwawayrtdam − My wife came out as a lesbian after 8 years of marriage and a kid. As bad as this hurts right now, know that this is saving you from a lifetime of heartache. You are young and can restart life now without looking back.

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FindingMyWayNow − This isn't easy for either of you. But... You're here asking for advice. So, here is my very best advice- Break up, wish him the best then cut all contact. The last step is critical for your own healing. Yo do not owe it to him to help him through this.

Or to wait around for one more second for him to decide if he can make it work. Waiting will only lead to heartbreak for you. I know someone who was in a similar situation and it played out exactly like you would expect.

If any friends family ask what happened, take the high road and say you just weren't compatible. You don't owe anyone your life details. If he tries to blame you to them, say 'uh yea, him being gay means we aren't compatible'.

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You said 'I’ve been somewhat patient with him throughout this process and I’m the only person who knows his truth.' If you want to be happy you need to prioritize yourself, not him.

He is telling you his happiness is what's most important to him. You need to do the same. Above all, do not get back with him in six months when he's banged a few guys and wants you back. If you aren't his #1 right now, you can do better.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 − It's time to cut ties. He needs to continue his journey without you as his support person. The hate will lessen when you move on, heal and find happiness again. You can't do that with him in your life.

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Dear-Gift8764 − It’s better he told you now than 5 years from now or when you have his baby. This anger is justified. Go live your life

throwthroowaway − Op, my ground also came out after the three kids and eight years of marriage. You need to stop being his girl friend. You may not even have to sorry being his friend if it hurts too much.. A breakup is better than a divorcr

DramaticHumor5363 − It’s okay to hate him. But you need to stop being the person helping him. You deserve space.

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kzeetay − A lot of comments don’t address the age issue. It’s not like men over 35 who aren’t gay, single, without kids, not a weirdo are plentiful. She literally lost so much time she could’ve used to date and get to know other people.

I understand you. Don’t stop hating him. Just hate him until you can’t anymore. You’ll move on eventually, but now, it’s bawling time. Get it all out of your system. Use the pain to rearrange your life and get back on track to happiness.

Lanky_Republic4818 − It's completely fine to hate him for as long as you need to. You felt your time and energy was wasted, and that's completely valid. Just remember that it takes more energy to hate someone than it does to not think about them at all.

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Fun-Commissions − Breakups suck. There are a lot of feelings. It'll pass, you just need time and space. Are you in contact with him? I am big on no contact after a breakup, not trying to remain friends or whatever. You need that space to get on with your life.

floopyferret − You need to step away from this relationship for your own good. Especially if you want biological children. It’s time for you to wish him well and try to move forward. I am so sorry but do not stick around any longer.

This woman’s story is a raw reminder that love can shift in ways we never expect, leaving us to pick up the pieces. Her boyfriend’s truth set him free but broke her heart, and her journey now is about reclaiming her future.

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Letting go of hate means choosing herself—hard, but possible. Have you faced a betrayal that reshaped your life? Share your thoughts below!

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