My (32m) wife (33f) has been getting too close with a coworker and I have no clue how to proceed.

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

The flicker of a phone screen in the dim light of their home sent a chill through Daniel’s heart. His wife of 11 years, Sarah, once open and predictable, was now guarding her phone, hiding Snapchat conversations with a male coworker. What began as casual mentions of a colleague “like Daniel” escalated to a shocking discovery: Sarah snapping photos of her legs in a bath, discussing intimate turn-ons with this man. Caught between fear of shattering their marriage and the sting of betrayal, Daniel stands at a crossroads, unsure whether to confront her again after a trust-breaking fight.

This isn’t just about a photo; it’s a husband’s struggle with suspicion, eroded trust, and the specter of an emotional affair. Readers are drawn into Daniel’s turmoil, wondering if he can salvage his marriage or if Sarah’s actions signal a deeper rift too wide to bridge.

ADVERTISEMENT

‘My (32m) wife (33f) has been getting too close with a coworker and I have no clue how to proceed.’

My wife of 11 years has had multiple male coworkers recently added to her mostly female workplace. She didn’t have any issues at first until the other women started wearing makeup and “dressing up” for them...a few months in I take note that she’s doing the same....no big deal.

Eventually she starts talking about one of them as if he’s “like you.”(me) again no big deal. But I start noticing her being sketchy with her phone (hiding it when she’s talking to him while I’m around...etc) she only uses Snapchat to talk to him so when I confronted her about it there was no evidence and she claimed there was no wrong doing..

but the fight had already occurred and I broke trust telling her I’ve been watching how she hides her phone...etc. Since then I’ve worked though my insecurities and had accepted that things may not be what I thought they were.

ADVERTISEMENT

But recently I found myself in the situation of seeing her taking pictures of her feet in the bathtub, I watched longer and noticed she was talking to him about our personal life such as turnons and turnoffs. I want to confront her but after the first breach of trust/fights I’m scared she’ll shut me out again, and say I have no proof because of f**king Snapchat and that’ll be the end of us.

Daniel’s discovery of Sarah’s secretive Snapchat exchanges, including a suggestive bath photo and intimate discussions, points to an emotional affair, if not a prelude to something physical. Her phone-hiding and deflection during their prior confrontation—blaming Daniel for breaking trust—suggest gaslighting, a tactic to shift blame. This isn’t mere workplace camaraderie; it’s a breach of marital boundaries.

Emotional affairs are a growing concern. A 2023 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study found 30% of married individuals engage in inappropriate emotional connections with coworkers, often facilitated by private apps like Snapchat (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships). Dr. Shirley Glass, an infidelity expert, notes, “Emotional affairs begin with secrecy and shared intimacy, eroding the primary relationship” (Psychology Today). Sarah’s actions—dressing up, hiding chats, and sharing personal details—mirror this pattern, undermining Daniel’s trust.

ADVERTISEMENT

Daniel’s hesitation to confront Sarah stems from her past defensiveness, but silence risks enabling further boundary-crossing. The sarcastic Reddit suggestion of sending “dick pics” highlights the absurdity of inaction, while serious advice points to counseling or ultimatums. Dr. John Gottman advises, “Rebuilding trust requires transparency and accountability, not excuses” (Gottman Institute). Daniel should calmly present his evidence, demand full phone transparency, and insist on couples therapy, as Gottman suggests. If Sarah refuses, consulting a lawyer, as Reddit recommends, prepares for potential separation. Sarah’s job change, as some suggest, could remove temptation but doesn’t address her choices

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit ignited with a fiery blend of indignation and strategy, roasting Sarah’s behavior while arming Daniel with advice. From calls to confront her outright to warnings of “branch swinging,” the comments are a lively barbecue of takes. Here’s the raw scoop:

OffattheNextStop − You're not the one breaking trust, she is. She shouldn't be talking about turn ons and turn offs with a male co-worker.

ADVERTISEMENT

TextbookBuybacker − She's the one breaching the marital trust, not you.. Clearly something is up, proceed accordingly and have an exit plan.

[Reddit User] − But I start noticing her being sketchy with her phone (hiding it when she’s talking to him while I’m around...etc) \[...\] when I confronted her about it there was no evidence and she claimed there was no wrong doing..

but the fight had already occurred and I broke trust telling her I’ve been watching how she hides her phone. DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). She was being sketchy, you end up being the a**hole. Don't fall for that s**t.

ADVERTISEMENT

Snaglish − Take her phone and send him d**k pics

contensiouspanda − Hello, I am a woman who has seen this in her friends.. He was as beaten down and clueless as you seem to be. I think it is called 'branch swinging', she is working out if she wants him more than you, and when she decides she will either cut him off or you will get divorce papers.

Tell her you both need to go to counselling, and you will choose the therapist. Then tell the therapist your concerns about the hidden messages and their s**ual content.. If she says no then get a good lawyer.. Sorry, this must be awful. Good luck!

ADVERTISEMENT

middleagedlothario − Tell her you know she is flirting/sexting with someone and if it doesn’t end today you will be leaving. Tell her you are willing to listen to her about whatever she thinks is missing in your relationship. When this s**t starts too many people wait, listen to excuses and b**lshit and then have to deal with cheating.. Just confront her straight out and tell her to end it or your relationship is over.. Then it’s her choice.

speaker_for_the_dead − You broke trust by observing your wifes behavior? Let me guess who put that in your head. Now it is your turn to guess why she would do that.

TheMocking-Bird − She's having an affair. That's not up for debate. Whether there having s** or not doesn't matter, if it's not physical now, it'll be if you keep relenting. You breaking her trust by invading her privacy is deflection on her part.

ADVERTISEMENT

She's painting you the bad guy to distract you from the real problem. You seem to be under the impression that if you don't have conclusive proof then you can't do anything, your wrong. You've already established that she's doing something inappropriate.

And have multiple red flags that back it up. Her being suddenly possessive and private with her phone is a big one. Her suddenly hiding her communications from this guy, and going out of her way to confide in him about 'turnons and turnoffs' a conversation you could argue that's already crossed the line when coupled with anything else.

And now you know she's sending him pics of her in the tub, probably videos to. This isn't a close friendship, nor are you being insecure. You've been seeing these red flags for a while and instead of reassuring you that nothings been going on, she's essentially doubled down on her affair, and has already taken steps to paint you the bad guy.

ADVERTISEMENT

Look up the term 'gaslighting', she's also deflecting the blame, which is another common cheater tactic. If you go on r/survivinginfidelity and read a dozen posts similar to yours, I guarantee you'll see a pattern. This whole post is kind of infuriating, you've already bought into her b**lshit that your in the wrong for spying on her.

If it wasn't for the signs and clear red flags I'd concur and say you crossed a line. But when infidelity's involved, prying is fair game. If you aren't willing to confront her until you have more proof then your literally waiting for them to seal the deal, if you assume they already haven't done so.

Like I said before, you don't need conclusive proof. You don't need to catch her in the act. You have plenty of evidence as is, to know she's having an emotional affair at the very least. I recommend consulting with a lawyer and seeing what your options are. If she won't confess or take you seriously you'll need to scare her. Best way to get a cheater 'out of the fog' is having them face reality. Serve her with divorce papers, i'm sure she'll wake up once that happens.

ADVERTISEMENT

notsopumpkin − Legs in the tub is out of order. I may cop heat because 'it's only a pair of legs', but she's n**ed on the other end and it is only sent to someone to arouse their interest, so to me, that is too far.

I'd be confronting her now and ask her how she expects you to interpret that photo and how she would feel if you sent an equivelant photo to a female 'friend' (maybe flexing in the mirror, from the waste up that was just low enough so that it was obvious you were n**ed). Between that and the sharing of turnons and turnoffs is too much. She needs to kill the EA now before it gets physical, which sounds like it may be only one after work drinks away

Bedtimeshine − Bro your mindset is the problem. You have to let go of fear and take control. You’re scared of an arguement, you’re scared of rocking the boat, you’re scared of the “controlling” label and ultimately you are scared of taking action.

ADVERTISEMENT

And I promise you action is the only thing that’s gonna help... continuing to talk about this is completely pointless. Don’t you feel controlled right now? You can’t be argueing about this. You need to tell her your not cool with it. period.

You know in your gut she’s crossing the line and that every lie, minimization, and attempt at gas lighting by her is another slap in the face that is driving the wedge deeper and deeper. So you are drawing a line in the sand right now. You will never rationalize her to see your piont of view.

You just look more and more weak. I’d tell her Snapchat has to go as well as all stealth messaging apps... gone for good. We now have an open phone and password policy. And she’s has 1 month to find a new job. And this is the last time you two will ever have a conversation about another man.

ADVERTISEMENT

If she has a problem with it then it’s best if you two go your seperate ways. If she starts argueing about trust then look her in the eye and tell her that you don’t trust her... at all. Lay out your reasons why if you want to. But not in an attempt to get her to see things your way (trust me bud she knows... she just doesn’t care).

Do it with the mindset... of “this is how i feel, this is why I’m taking control of the path that I’m on. Either get on this path with me or good luck and have a nice life.” You have to willing to lose you marriage in order to save. Nothing will help you besides consequences.

Many men who have been cheated on wish they could go back to when they were in your situation and drop the hammer. To get the best possible advice and support from seasoned veterans. Get off Reddit and go to the “just found out” on survivinginfidelity.com. Trust me.

ADVERTISEMENT

Redditors slam Sarah’s secrecy as a clear affair, urging Daniel to act decisively with therapy or divorce papers. Some see her gaslighting as a cheater’s tactic, while others suggest mirroring her actions to expose her double standards. Do these bold takes empower Daniel or oversimplify a complex marriage?

Daniel’s story is a gut-wrenching reminder that trust, once cracked, can shatter a marriage if left unaddressed. Sarah’s secretive snaps and intimate coworker chats signal a betrayal that demands confrontation, not avoidance. With therapy, transparency, or even legal steps, Daniel can reclaim his agency, but the path forward hinges on Sarah’s willingness to rebuild. Can he save his marriage, or is this the end of their 11-year bond? Have you ever faced a partner’s questionable closeness with someone else? Share your thoughts below.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *