My (27F) fiance (26M) set boundaries around what I can talk about with him. Is this healthy?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy apartment filled with the soft purring of cats, a 27-year-old woman sits, her mind buzzing with thoughts she can’t share. Her fiancé, once her confidant, has built walls around their conversations, banning topics like her job, her quirky hobbies, and even their upcoming wedding. Each restriction stings, leaving her to whisper her dreams to her rescue cat instead. As their wedding day looms, she wonders if love should feel this silencing, pulling readers into her quiet struggle.

This tale of muffled voices and unspoken passions unfolds on Reddit, where her plea for advice struck a chord. With her fiancé dismissing her interests as unrelatable while freely sharing his own, the imbalance paints a troubling picture. Can a relationship thrive when one partner’s voice is dimmed? Let’s dive into her story, explore expert insights, and hear the Reddit community’s fiery takes.

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‘My (27F) fiance (26M) set boundaries around what I can talk about with him. Is this healthy?’

My fiance and I have been dating for 4 years, engaged for 8 months. Over the last 2 years, he’s ask me not to talk about or drastically limit how much I talk about certain topics, including: work, niche topics that I’ve extensively researched and really enjoy, and our wedding. Today, he added the cat I recently rescued to the list.

This has severely limited the topics that I talk to him about and made me feel that he just doesn’t want me to talk. This is backed up by comments that he’s made about how monotonous and hard to listen to my voice is. Writing this out, I totally understand that I sound like a boring person, but he knew most of these things about me coming into the relationship (we knew each other before we started dating).

However, I understand that those things aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. I used to talk at length about these topics, but I’ve worked really hard not to talk about them too much with him. I even set daily reminders on my phone not to talk about the topics that bother him until it became a habit. Initially, he said I didn’t need to set the reminders, but he was noticeably happier when I started talking less in general.

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Meanwhile, he continues to talk at length about the similar topics that he’s asked me not to: work and his favorite topics to research. When I’ve brought up what I felt like was a double standard, he said that anyone could understand and relate to his work, whereas he doesn’t understand mine.

I’ve also made an effort to at least listen to and encourage his research topics, even though they’re not my thing, and he says that these are the only things he has to unwind outside of work, a physical, public-facing job. It does make me sad—I believe in encouraging people’s favorite topics, and I’d really love to have that reciprocated from my partner.

Instead, the list keeps getting longer. When I want to give him important updates on my work (like that I’m going after another job), I have to preface my update with “I’ll make this quick” or “2-minute update,” and even then he looks like he’s been forced to endure.

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Several times, when those things (especially work, which has been especially rough for me this year) are all I can think about, I find myself with very little to say that won’t go against the boundaries he’s set, but I still want desperately to talk to someone. On those days/weeks, we’ll have very surface level conversations.

Especially then, I talk a lot to our 3 cats and now the rescue cat, mostly nonsense things about how sweet they are and silly made-up scenarios, and then we just slow blink at each other back and forth—it’s great. This upsets my fiance. He’s made comments about how he’d have to act like a cat if he wants me to talk to him and give him attention. I’ve explained that I’m just going through stuff at work, and don’t want to talk his ear off about it.

I’ve tried having conversations about how to resolve this so we both get what we need, but he usually turns it back on me in some way. This can’t be healthy, right? Or am I overthinking it/missing something? We’re about 2 months out from the wedding, and I’m struggling to finish wedding DIYs because of what this would mean for the rest of my life.. TIA for any advice.

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ETA: Didn’t expect to get clocked this hard, but yes, there’s a chance I am somewhere on the spectrum. I haven’t pursued a formal diagnosis. He doesn’t believe he is and only fit 1-2 criteria when we looked a while back. Some additional info and clarification: I did previously talk too much (1-2 hours in some cases) about work and my favorite topics.

I realized I was doing it after I suspected that I be autistic. This is something I’ve been working on really hard (re: topics aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, and I recognize that). I rarely talk about anything for more than 15 minutes now; 30 for topics where he engages, like when I tell him that I want to change jobs and how it could affect the two of us..

My fiance has called me annoying before but says it’s endearing. Some people have suggested he might just be with me for chores and cooking, etc. I’ve taken over all of the cooking, but I really struggle with chores, but I’ve been trying to do better. I’ve improved gradually over the last several years. This is a main source of our arguments...

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TL;DR: Fiance asked me not to talk about topics like work and hobbies. Adds to the list, but talks about his own interests the whole time we’re together or on the phone. I did use to talk for 1-2 hours, but I’ve worked hard to make sure I don’t talk that long now because I know it can be exhausting. I do engage and ask questions about his interests frequently.

Navigating a partner’s conversation boundaries can feel like tiptoeing through a minefield. Here, the woman’s fiancé has drawn rigid lines, limiting her ability to share her world. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Mutual respect and interest in each other’s inner lives are the bedrock of a healthy partnership” (source: Gottman Institute). Her efforts to engage with his interests while hers are sidelined highlight a stark imbalance, suggesting a lack of mutual curiosity.

The fiancé’s restrictions, paired with comments about her “monotonous” voice, raise red flags. While it’s fair to set boundaries, dismissing her passions as unrelatable while dominating conversations with his own smacks of control. Psychologically, this dynamic can erode self-esteem, as seen in her retreat to talking with her cats. Studies show that emotional suppression in relationships correlates with lower satisfaction (source: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships).

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This issue reflects broader societal expectations around communication. Women are often socialized to be accommodating, which may explain her compliance with his rules. Yet, his refusal to reciprocate her attentiveness points to entitlement. Gottman’s principle of “turning toward” a partner’s bids for connection—like listening to her work updates—seems absent here, risking emotional disconnection.

For solutions, open dialogue is key. She could propose a “conversation swap,” where each shares a topic daily, fostering mutual respect. If he resists, couples counseling could help unpack his reluctance.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s takes are spicy, served with a side of humor: “This guy’s auditioning for Worst Fiancé of the Year!” Below, the community weighs in with candid, heartfelt advice.

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tvp204 − I’m going to be very honest, this sounds like he doesn’t like you.

peakpenguins − This can’t be healthy, right? Not at all. I'm pretty baffled that you want to marry a guy who doesn't even want you to talk to him unless it's something he gives a s**t about.

DeconstructedKaiju − I've treated people I legitimate hate better than your partner is treating you.

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MckittenMan − Well, lets not call these boundaries.. This is your future husband not wanting to talk to you.. You can't talk about:. * Work.. * Your interests.. * A pet you rescued.. * The upcoming wedding that he will be apart of.. This is even wilder: He’s made comments about how he’d have to act like a cat if he wants me to talk to him and give him attention. .

Don't talk to me about anything going on in your life.. Wtf... You give our pets more attention and never talk to me?. Marrying into this sounds like a horrific marriage coming your way.. Even has the nerve to go: Well... Everyone can relate to my life.

My stuff is way more interesting than yours. Its not a double standard if I talk to you about my work.. You're about to marry a complete a**hole who doesn't care what you have to say.. I think you should pull the plug and save your life.. I don't believe your fiancé actually likes you...

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FairyCompetent − Have you ever wondered what it would be like to date someone who likes you? 

deepspacenineoneone − You don’t sound like a boring person at all. You sound like a sweet, absolutely normal delight and your boyfriend sounds like an a**hole who doesn’t like you very much. A loving partner would seek to encourage and lift up your interests and would be happy that they bring you joy.

Meanwhile, this jerk is not only forcing you to shrink and edit yourself, but then also getting mad that that has made you feel withdrawn and small. My husband is an electrical engineer, a lot of our conversations revolve around specialized technology or language that I am not fully informed about. I am delighted to listen and ask questions because I love him, and I learn so much from him.

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I am thrilled to see him engaged and happy. He does the same for me about topics I enjoy and he is not well-versed, or even necessarily interested, in. There is someone out there for you just like that - who will love you for and encourage you to be your true self, niche interests, rescue cats and all. Go find them.

FivebyFive − The fact that you think this makes you boring is concerning.  He's boring. He doesn't have anything to talk about so he doesn't want you to discuss your own interests and then puts you down. . Come on! Girl! You can do better! . You could go outside, flag down a random passing car, and meet a better man! 

jasperjonns − I mean...he sounds like a controlling a**hole who does not even like you.. 'I don't like your voice so here are some things I want you to stop talking about'.. Come on, girl. You know what to do.

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NoDanaOnlyZuuI − #DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.

MarzipanJoy-Joy − This guy doesn't even like you. Please don't dim your shine for a mean loser that doesn't care about you. 

Are these Reddit opinions spot-on, or do they miss the mark? One thing’s clear: this story has sparked a lively debate about love and listening.

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This woman’s story leaves us pondering the cost of silence in love. With her wedding nearing, she faces a choice: dim her voice or seek a partner who celebrates it. Relationships thrive on mutual curiosity, not one-sided rules. What would you do if your partner muted your passions? Share your experiences below—let’s keep the conversation purring!

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