My (26M) Wife (25F) told me that she no longer wants kids because I was diagnosed with autism. How do I move forward?

Jonathan Hours
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In a quiet apartment, the dream of a bustling family crumbles under the weight of a new reality. A 26-year-old man, fresh from an autism diagnosis, watches his wife, Cora, pull away from their shared vision of parenthood. Her sudden refusal to have biological children, driven by fears tied to his condition, cuts deeper than any childhood taunt he endured. The sting of her words—“I never would’ve brought up kids”—echoes like a betrayal, leaving their once-solid marriage on shaky ground.

Readers can feel the gut-punch of this moment, the kind that makes your chest tighten when love and fear collide. His rage and her trauma tangle in a messy knot, raising questions about acceptance, sacrifice, and the future. Is this a dealbreaker or a hurdle they can clear? This raw, emotional tale pulls us into their struggle, wondering if love can weather such a storm.

‘My (26M) Wife (25F) told me that she no longer wants kids because I was diagnosed with autism. How do I move forward?’

Throwaway: Me and my Wife “Cora” have been together for over 5 years and married for 3. Both Cora and I always dreamed of having a large family. We both love each other dearly and I truly thought nothing could come between us. Now I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I’ve always struggled a bit with my mental health.

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I always struggled with socializing and keeping up in school when I was a kid. I was bullied a lot for being “weird” and not as smart as the other kids or my siblings. I never got therapy because my Folks believed that therapy was just for “women and men who were too weak to hack it out on their own.”

I finally decided to make the jump and go see a therapist. Recently, I was officially diagnosed with autism. I had a huge mix of emotions. I was shocked, relieved and insecure. I finally had some answers for why I felt so different growing up, but I also felt scared because I didn’t want people to look at or treat me differently.

Shortly after I told Cora about my diagnosis, things between us started to feel off. She was very supportive and gave me comfort, but I could tell something was wrong. She wasn’t nearly as talkative, I would regularly catch her deep in thought and she seemed to grow more distant as the days went on. The biggest change I noticed was that Cora almost completely stopped talking about babies.

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She went from constantly sending me baby related content from TIKTOK, to not even wanting to talk about the subject at all. After 2 weeks of this I finally decided to confront her. She kept saying that she didn’t want to talk about it and she was fine. I told her she’s not fine, I’m starting to fear the worst and we’re gonna talk about this now.

After prying at her for several minutes, she finally confessed that she doesn’t think we should have children anymore. My heart sunk. She started talking a mile a minute and kept reassuring that we can still adopt. She said that she grew up with a sibling who had special needs and it made her childhood miserable.

She said that she can’t bring herself to have child with me, now knowing the chances of producing a child with special needs are much higher. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I was filling with pain and rage. What she said next completely pushed me over the edge. She told me: “I’m so sorry OP. It’s not your fault.

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I love you so much. Believe me, if I had known you were autistic, I never would’ve brought up having kids.” I lost it! I screamed at her and said: “If I had known you were such a heartless piece of trash, I never would’ve married you!!”

She just looked at me with a blank stare and I stormed out before she could respond. I feel so broken. In that moment it felt like all the years of abuse and ridicule were replaying back in my mind. We haven’t spoken to each other for a couple days. I feel awful for yelling, but I feel so hurt. I just don’t know what to do.

A marriage rocked by an autism diagnosis and a partner’s fear of parenthood is like a ship caught in a sudden squall. This husband’s world shattered when Cora, haunted by her past, rejected biological children, citing the heightened risk of special needs. Her trauma, rooted in a childhood shaped by a special needs sibling, clashes with his longing for the family they planned.

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The tension reflects differing views on disability and parenting. He sees her stance as a rejection of him, while she’s grappling with past burdens. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, in a notes, “Trauma can shape decisions in ways that feel personal but stem from self-protection.” Cora’s fear likely drives her choice, not malice, though her delivery wounded deeply.

This taps a broader issue: navigating disability in relationships. A 2023 CDC report estimates a 1 in 36 chance of autism in children, with genetic factors increasing risks for autistic parents. Couples therapy could help them unpack trauma and align goals, perhaps exploring adoption as Cora suggested. Genetic counseling, as Reddit users noted, could clarify risks.

Dr. Neff might urge mutual compassion: he could acknowledge her fears, while she validates his pain. Open dialogue, perhaps with a therapist, could rebuild trust. He should apologize for his outburst but express how her words felt like rejection.

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Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s community dove into this emotional minefield with a mix of empathy, tough love, and practical tips. Here’s what they had to say, straight from the digital trenches:

Extension_Drummer_85 − Honestly this is something to talk to your therapist about, Reddit is not going to give you good guidance here. Maybe some genetics counselling for the two of you would be a good idea too, they can explain in depth the exact risks associated with your diagnosis re having children. 

In case it isn't obvious to you I will point out that this appears to be a trauma response from your wife. If she has not been through therapy herself it would be good for her to do so. 

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After-Distribution69 − Well the first thing you can do is consider whether what she is saying is reasonable.  For myself, being married to someone recently diagnosed with autism and having 2 autistic kids I can tell you that all the burden falls on me and I would be telling her not to have kids with you if I knew you.  

Yes it sucks but life does that sometimes.  You need to reassess your life goals when you have a disability diagnosis and work out what is achievable and reasonable and what is not.  Autism is inherited.  You are clearly high functioning.  But your kids may not be.  

niknik789 − My husband was diagnosed late after having kids. Both my kids are special needs - Autism and ADHD. It’s not a picnic. They struggle so hard managing themselves and their emotions. My son especially is going through the wringer.

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And because my husband is autistic, he struggles to regulate emotionally as well. I love them all, but it really feels like I am a single mom with three kids. Be kind to her. She’s been around a special needs child and likely already knows the extent of sacrifices and work she would have to take on.

ChickenScratchCoffee − She had to grow up with a special needs sibling and I’m sure that was hard. She doesn’t want to deal with that again. I understand her point. It’s best she is honest with you now. Divorce and move on.

westbrandpopcorn − It is clear that you need time to process what she said. Although, you were capable of making it, this disability is a spectrum and she is not heartless for not wanting to take care of a special needs child, clearly her experience is valid.

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I have seen many strong people fail miserably at this task. And she is not opposed to a family with you, she is open to adoption. Take a moment to think about this holistically. It is not wrong to not want a special needs child - if that is something you don’t want in a partner it might be better to end things amicably.

silverencat − She has a point tho. You struggle with social situations amd mental health, how would you take care of special needs kids? And since you are autistic, there's a huge chance your kids will be too. The picture you have in your mind now is healthy kids running around giggling, not nonverbal children who ypu have to take vare of their whole lives (YOUR whole life).

Your wife had a taste of that, and smartly decided to opt out of it. OP, with all the kindness I can muster: you're being selfish here. You want to make her live in a nightmare again, potentially. Divorce her if you want your own kids, but don't call her heartless just because she's reasonable.

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a-rabid-cupcake − On the one hand, I understand where you're coming from. On the other... I am high-functioning autistic as is my spouse. Our daughter, who is turning 5, is nonverbal and has autism level 3. Every day is a struggle. Yes there are moments of happiness but it's hard, especially when all the weight is usually put on one parent - in my case, me.. I used to dream of having three to five kids and a dog.

My spouse had a procedure done to make sure we can never have more children, and all talks of pets have ceased because my daughter would not work well with animals.

When other people get hugs and cuddles from their children, I have to beg and repeat to get my daughter to come over to me. If I'm lucky, she'll remember her name is her name, and if I'm even more lucky, she'll be in the mood for me to give her a hug and a kiss.

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For every ten hugs I give, I get one back. For every hundred kisses I give, I get one back.. Six months ago, I'd get none.. It's lonely. It's so lonely.. Treat your wife with some grace. I know you're in pain, but try to see the other side, too.. And talk to a therapist about this. A couples therapist and your own therapist.

brainwise − I think she is being very pragmatic and I actually understand her view - she may not feel that she has what is needed to best parent a child with ASD 🤷‍♀️

[Reddit User] − You badgered her into talking to you and then screamed once you got the answer and didn’t like it?

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inghostlyjapan − My partner's brother is about 5 years older than l am and is on the spectrum (I think it's a level one diagnosis) and they have three kids. We were both on the fence about kids but watching their struggles made it clear that it would probably be a bad idea.

One kid is the oldest at 22 level one and an adult at this point, he holds down a part time job stacking shelves but was too anxious to keep going at uni and seems to have regressed terribly in the last year or so.but he might get out of the rut. Second kid , the youngest is still in high school and has ADHD but is mostly good.

plays a lot of sport, not really any close friends but they can at least interact with people without shutting off or melting down. Third is the middle child level 2 bordering on level 3 and when they hit their teens became non-verbal won't eat won't shower, went from getting placed in a high achieving high school to dropping out at 14 and they are essentially housebound, apart from times they were hospitalised for being seriously underweight.

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They turned 19 this year they don't know WTF to do. My BIL became a full-time carer/home schooler when they dropped out but this has exacerbated his own issues and now neither of them really ever leave the house. They are barely functioning.

My SIL looks like she is in a hostage situation every time i see them, I mean who could leave in the middle of this slow moving disaster. All of them (even the younger kid doing OKish) look destroyed, and miserable and barely holding on.

From calls for therapy to stark warnings about parenting challenges, these Reddit takes are as raw as the couple’s fight. But do they light a path forward or just stoke the fire?

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This couple’s story—a love tested by autism and clashing dreams—hits like a bittersweet melody. His diagnosis, her trauma, and their shattered plans weave a tale of hurt and hope. Can they find common ground, perhaps through adoption or therapy, or is this the end of their road? It’s a reminder that love often demands tough talks and open hearts. What would you do if a diagnosis changed your partner’s vision for the future? Jump in below and let’s untangle this knot together!

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