Me [25F], struggling with dating with an invisible illness. Advice?

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In a cozy living room filled with the soft strum of a guitar, a 25-year-old woman dreams of love while grappling with an unseen foe: fibromyalgia. Her walking stick, a constant companion, marks her as different in a world quick to judge, yet her spirit sparkles with creativity and compassion. Each step outside risks a crash of pain and fatigue, making first dates feel like scaling a mountain. Society’s gaze often reduces her to “disabled,” overshadowing her vibrant personality and talents.

Will she find someone who sees the woman beyond the stick? Her journey weaves a poignant tale of resilience, challenging us to rethink how we view disability in romance. As she navigates dating’s rocky terrain, her story invites us to ponder: can love bloom where prejudice falters?

‘Me [25F], struggling with dating with an invisible illness. Advice?’

To put in context, I'm no stranger to being single. I've dated a little here and there, but only really had one serious relationship back before university. I don't define myself by relationships, but it's something I would like in my future, y'know? I have fibromyalgia [chronic pain and fatigue], and a pretty severe case.

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I'm reliant on a walking stick if I leave the house, and I have to be very careful when I'm out that I don't exert myself so much that I crash. On some days, I can manage a few hours and crash the next day but on others I crash after a couple of hours. It's unpredictable. I like to think there's a lot of positives about me that would make me a great partner.

I'm creative, and I still try to keep myself occupied even if most of my time is remaining in my grandparents house (who are kind enough to take me in and look after me). I'm musical and play instruments, I'm smart and compassionate...but it doesn't really matter if people can't get to know me in the first place.

Usually they find out I'm disabled, or they see the stick, and are instantly put off. I can understand, even though I don't like it, but I've tried just about every approach: being upfront at the start, waiting til the first/second date, trying to hide it, but nothing has worked so far.

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The trouble is, I don't know how to react to questions about what I do (I'm too disabled to work, even part time at the moment), where I live (live with my grandparents) or transport stuff (I can't drive and public transport makes my disability worse).

I'm frustrated because I really want to put myself out there, but I don't know how best to get people to see my disability as part of me rather than a flashing sign going 'DISABLED, AVOID!'.

I'm not in a rush to date, it's just feeling like a bit of an impossible task, especially as it stops me being very active in sport and fitness/ anything too exerting. I'm not unattractive or anything, but it makes first dates very limited.

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The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Dating with a chronic illness like fibromyalgia can feel like running a marathon with weights strapped to your legs. This woman’s struggle—facing rejection due to her disability—mirrors a broader challenge: societal stigma around invisible illnesses. Her candor about living with grandparents and mobility limits reveals vulnerability, yet her determination shines.

She faces a Catch-22: disclose her condition early and risk scaring suitors, or wait and face accusations of deception. Potential partners may balk at her limitations, fearing a life less active. Yet, her positives—creativity, compassion—suggest she’s a catch for someone willing to look deeper. The disconnect lies in perception: society often equates disability with incapacity, ignoring the person’s strengths.

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This issue isn’t hers alone. According to the CDC, 61 million U.S. adults live with a disability, and 13.7% report chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia (soucre). Dating apps can amplify biases, with studies showing disabled users receive fewer matches (soucre). Still, openness can filter out incompatible matches, paving the way for genuine connections.

Dr. Susan M. Love, a psychologist specializing in chronic illness, says, “Dating with a disability requires self-advocacy and patience. By owning your narrative, you attract partners who value authenticity over perfection” (source). Her advice resonates here: embracing her identity, stick and all, can draw in those who see her worth. Love’s perspective encourages proactive communication—sharing needs early sets a foundation for trust.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s chorus of voices offered empathy, tough love, and hope, serving up a mix of practical advice and heartfelt support. Here’s what they shared

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Nixie_D − It's better to be upfront, it'll weed out people who can't deal so you don't waste your time on them. I've always been upfront about my illnesses, but mine weren't as severe in impacting my life. You may want to consider popping a link in your dating profile.

It may be worth seeing if there's a support group for people in your area for fibro suffers. I know a couple, and having a good support network can really make a difference.. Don't lose hope, there is someone out there for you, it just might take a little longer.

heieo1 − Hi there, I'm [26F] someone who has chronic illness and I refuse to talk about it unless it's with my close friends or I'm in a relationship about six months in. In my opinion, my acquaintances or my first dates have no need to know; it's none of their business until they actually want a relationship with me. It's my responsibility that my sickness behavior does not affect our relationship.

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Everyone's case is a little different; both my doctor and I refused to settle on a diagnosis of fibro. Two years of incessant blood work (I probably was pricked 150+ times, often for the same things, monthly) revealed a diagnosis they could actually treat. Thank God for it; it absolutely changed my life. I couldn't walk. I couldn't think.

I couldn't do anything. I would endure all the testing again just for the medication that changed my life. I realize that finding a diagnosis is often luck; I feel lucky and I know it's not possible for everyone. I guess what I'm getting at is that you have this one life and you're going to have to refuse to settle with fibro. Go back to the doctor. Go to different doctors.

Tell them about your quality of life pointedly. Do not be shy. Say you don't want pain medications; you want to be able to walk again. I'm not a doctor and I do not want to give you medical advice, but I made my doctor check me with infectious and endocrinology test under the sun, blood and imaging. Just try out a ton of different internists.

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I hopped between numerous doctors before finding one who was willing to do the research and heavy lifting to heal me in any way she could. I know how frustrating fibro is and I know what you're facing. My bottom line is that you nor your partner will likely be able to enjoy your relationship to your fullest until you get a handle on your symptoms. Try to find another diagnosis or treatment.. Sending you so much luck. <3

gummar − This might be a little harsh, but most able-bodied people are looking for people with similar abilities especially if they enjoy being physically active (sports, going out, etc.). For a lot of people your age, not being able to work, living with your grandparents and being limited in mobility are going to be dealbreakers and that's just the way it is.

However, like others have mentioned, those aren't things you can help and it will serve to act as a filter for people who aren't going to be a good match for you. What sort of avenues have you been looking for dates? Do you meet up with friends? Could you meet people via the Internet (e.g. meetup.com)?

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AnorhiDemarche − The people who think. 'DISABLED, AVOID!'. Are not the people you want to be dating anyway, so you don't need to worry about them. While It does narrow the field a bit, you don't just want any relationship, you want a damned good relationship.

You want someone who can not only see past the disability, but who has a more than normal amount of understanding, accepts the disability and the limitations it creates as part of you, the person they love, and can handle dating someone with disability (because a lot of people cannot). This is just an extra bit of filter.

[Reddit User] − Ahoy fellow fibromite! First off, I would like to say I don't really have any idea myself, this kind of shite does really making dating more difficult. I just wanted to give you two examples of relationships I've had, 'cause my experiences might be useful to you. First off; an ex. I loved him, he seemed to understand my health situation and was always trying to take care of me.

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Was a little over the top on that, but hey he was worried, right? When we moved in together three years into our relationship it all went to s**t. I suffered a severe relapse due to commuting too much for Uni, ended up bed ridden for about six months. I'd wake up to feed the cats, maybe microwave some soup for myself, and fall back asleep.

When I had good days, I'd do dishes, if I was up I'd clean as I pottered about, I did laundry though not quite enough to keep up, and just basically did everything I could while in that state. The relationship crumbled. He started resenting me for being at home asleep not doing much while he was working. He'd get on my ass about everything and anything, even though he wasn't doing anything around the house.

He'd give out to me for not making dinner then give out to me for not making the right dinner if I did. To be blunt, he was emotionally abusive for those and a thousand other reasons. I couldn't leave the apartment because of how sick I was, I was completely isolated except for rare visits from friends while he was at work.

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After a few months he had me believing I was a lazy, worthless piece of s**t who didn't do anything. Did I mention I was also doing freelance work online while I recovered, doing the weekly shops (which involved an hours walking there and back). I'm gonna' take a wild guess that you understand how exhausting all that stuff is, and that I was working my absolute b**t off.

The asshat would have been abusive to anyone, and it took me years to get over some of the things he manipulated me into. I'm still terrified that if I move in with someone the relationship will fall apart because they'll have to deal with the reality of my health problems, waking up sometimes in a wet bed being one of them unfortunately.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I met this other guy awhile after I came to my senses and left the other one. He's the fuckin' sweetest. Cold triggered severe muscle tremours for me, and we went swimming on our third date in late summer/early autumn. I ended up having to tell him about my health problems due to the very obvious spasms, and he kind of just took it in stride.

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I don't know if it would work out if we lived together, it's been a couple years since then but I'm still worried, but I'm honestly starting to believe it'd be different - on the resenting me because of not being able to do as much point, not worried about the other stuff at all.

The current guy brings me hot water bottles when he knows I'm not feeling great, and when I've over done it bundles me up on the couch and brings me food and lets me just nap there all day while he plays games. He's concerned rather than annoyed when I cancel plans last minute because of health.

He comes to visit me when I'm sick, regardless of me having free transport because of my disability or how much it costs, and brings me my favourite flavoured water to cheer me up. He understands, accepts, and wants to help my limitations. I've not once felt like he was annoyed at me for having to stay home for a week even though he came down to see me, or just anything like that.

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The difference in attitude between the two people and my health is like night and day - though with the ex it wasn't obvious until later 'cause classic asshat and all that. Your health isn't anyone's business, but at the same time if you're entering a relationship with someone you do have to be upfront about it. Some people are looking for something different then you can give, and that's not your fault or their fault.

I wouldn't tell on the first date, that'd be uncomfortable and kind of weird, but when you start getting to know them and thinking about going for a proper relationship? That's when you need to at least warn them. They have an idea of you as a person at that point, and can decide with that in mind too. Sorry I can't give better advice, I'm honestly still worried and figuring this out myself, but hopefully it's of some use!

moglichkeiten − I'm a disabled person with chronic pain as well and I get how odd it is to inhabit a space where your disability is only occasionally visible. I'm able to work, but I use a rolling backpack because I can't physically carry anything else and require seating accommodations both at work and at school.

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It's pretty disconcerting watching people piece it together, because you can see the moment when they stop classifying you as a person and start thinking of you as a *disabled* person. The good news is that not everyone is like that, though. I met my SO online and was honestly pretty amazed at how little my health problems bothered him, considering that I also have pretty severe MI and IBS.

But I found out pretty early on that his best friend is a woman with a much more extensive disability than my own, and who also deals with MI. I barely phased him. He's been a great partner to me. He takes me to my PT and makes me soup on bad days so I don't have to leave the couch. When I dealt with a professor refusing to accommodate me, he was my rock.

He supported me through a dozen different meetings and statements and helped me write advocacy letters... he's my favorite person in the world, and he loves every inch of me. Don't shelve your life because of your disability. You might have more hurdles than the average person, but that's no reason to sit on the sidelines. Anyone who can't see past your cane is, frankly, an a**hole, and they're the one missing out.

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Try online dating if you haven't, and take the lead when it comes to suggesting dates. If you only have energy for coffee, get coffee. If you feel like going crazy and taking a walk through the park, do it. It's smart planning to take control of the itinerary if you're the person with more limitations---do it with confidence and no one will question it.

And don't take it too seriously. Dating is meant to be fun. Take the pressure off yourself by aiming to have a good time, rather than aiming for a long term relationship. It's a good approach for anyone, not just people with disabilities. :)

Zephine − Currently dating a girl with fibro and she is the best thing that's ever happened to me. You will find someone that wants to be with you for you and will see completely past your illness. It's really not that big of a deal in a relationship, there is so much you can do for dates that don't involve massive amounts of movements like picnics, meals, movies, and especially cute nights indoors.

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You really shouldn't let it get to you, people have little luck dating regularly for tonnes of other factors. The more you let it get to you, the more you will go into dates expecting failure, feeling down, and men can sense that. Rock up like the sassy b**ch you are and make a joke about the walking stick or whatever, be a laugh and fun to be around and you will find the right guy.

pineapplegremlin − Hey friend, I’m not going to begin to pretend to know what you’re going through. My sister (your age) experiences similar physical difficulties to yours, and is also struggling with the dating aspect of life. It’s rough to watch her go through the pain of heartbreak over men who aren’t either patient or sensitive enough to deal with her.

However, my sister (and you!), should have an incredibly understanding partner. Because everyone deserves that! Her SO doesn’t need to be perfect, but he needs to be kind and caring to her specific needs. My advice reflects sentiments & observations from her. First, remember that everything in life is a learning experience. You can’t take r**ection too personally, or it will bog you down.

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Using my sister again as an example, I’d rather have guys break her heart now than years down the road. I’d also like to think that out of this, she’ll learn how to be happy alone. That way, when breakups/rejections do happen, she’ll be really good at coping. And she’s been through her fair share.

But, what’s important to me is that she keeps putting herself out there on dating apps and social meetup activities (like board game nights and stuff). She’s found accepting communities that like hanging with her genuine personality. So my advice to you is to keep trying despite any negative experiences. And if you can’t go out – find forums on reddit.

Secondly, you need to be a little selfish when dating (I offer this advice to everyone), and insist on doing things within your realm of comfort. Does the guy want to take you to a movie (where you might have trouble standing up due to the cold/being stationary for hours) – say no. Explain that you’d like to go to a favorite coffee shop, or get a meal.

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He wants to go hiking? Dating is not the time to physically challenge yourself. Opt for something else that’s in your realm of physical capabilities. Finally, don’t think for a second that you should be grateful than someone went out on a date with you. Never apologize for who you are, or bring up your disability as a negative. You have so many positive attributes, and that’s going to matter more to a quality guy.

beverlypenn − I agree with people who said you should pre-screen. If you are on OKCupid, you can put that in 'about me' section -- people put all sorts of things there that for a variety of reasons might scare potential partners off -- they are single parents, they are polyamorous, they have a chronic illness, etc. That way anyone you engage with already knows this about you, and has signaled being on board with it.

winonaK − I've been in a very similar situation to you due to a diagnosis of ME. I have largely recovered now, but there were times when like you, I struggled to work or have a social life at all. In fact, I was in a long-term relationship when I first became sick and, unfortunately, my boyfriend was not able to be supportive of me and we broke up.

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My honest advice is to prioritise yourself and your health. Focus on being whole and happy without a relationship, but do try to maintain a social life as part of that, as much as possible. I spent over a year being single and focusing on improving myself after my relationship broke up, and it was then that I started to see a breakthrough in my illness – not instantly, but gradually.

I did this with the help of something called the Lightning Process, which I would recommend checking out. I understand your frustrations with the health service (it took me two years to get referred to a specialist service, and another year to actually get my first appointment). The lack of treatment available for diagnoses like ours means you have to take things into your own hands and do what you can to help yourself.

These takes are raw and real, but do they miss the mark on her emotional journey? Maybe the truth lies in balancing self-acceptance with society’s learning curve.

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This woman’s story reminds us that love isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection. Her courage to seek romance despite fibromyalgia’s hurdles challenges us to rethink disability’s role in relationships. Can she find a partner who embraces her fully, or will stigma keep her sidelined? What would you do if chronic illness shaped your dating life? Share your experiences or advice—how do you push past society’s barriers to find love?

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