I’m (35F) moving out with the kids while my husband (36M) mom (68F?) has cancer and trying to move in with us.

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In a cozy 4-bedroom home, a 35-year-old mother’s heart raced as her husband’s plan unfolded: his mom, battling a treatable illness, would move in. Her critical comments, like rearranging the kitchen unasked, had long frayed nerves. Now, with two young kids, the woman fears a disrupted haven, eyeing a temporary move to a nearby apartment.

This isn’t just about space; it’s a tug-of-war between family duty and personal peace. As she proposes solutions to keep harmony, the story asks: can love weather a temporary divide? It’s a relatable clash of loyalty and boundaries many families face.

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‘I’m (35F) moving out with the kids while my husband (36M) mom (68F?) has cancer and trying to move in with us.’

I'm (35F) seriously considering moving out with the kids because my husband (36M) wants MIL (68F?)to move in while she deals with cancer. I don't necessarily have anything negative with my husband himself (other than his mom). For many reasons, I cannot live with her in the same roof.

I have suggested she gets her cancer treatment for free in her home country, or get an apartment near us but MIL wants to live with her son when she's sick. I have told him either he can move out and live with his mom or I can move out with the kids. The latter makes the most sense because we have a 4 bedroom house, which would be excessive for just him and his mom.

However, I cannot force him or his mom, so now I'm looking at 2 bedroom apartments either for me or him. I have no plans to divorce him. He has been a good father and husband, but I am worried how this would affect our marriage long term. (We do not know what stage she is in right now). How many of you have separated for logistic reasons and what was the outcome?

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Edit: MIL and I (despite from same country) have very different views and culture. I cannot stand living with her because she has shown lack of respect for me, my boundaries, abusive to my toddler, and 'bad influence' on my husband. I'll provide just one example for each of the above, but I have hundreds of examples:

1. She moved in the first time without my permission and under false pretenses and essentially took over my daughters room. Literally sold her house and drop shipped a moving box and moved in before we could.

2. She yells all the time... sometimes she just talks loud but sometimes she's yelling at me. Idk. She constantly tells me to cook and clean more (bc my husband does his fair share). But now my oldest is a toddler, I don't want to set an example of me taking such disrespect.

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3. She locked my toddler (then 2 yrs old, who already has high anxiety) outside our old apartment because he didn't obey her... which is why kids will not be with her unsupervised either. 4. She constantly talks at you (like you can't get a word in). My husband deals with it by 'in one ear and out the other' - basically not listen. But being around her reverts him to that habit and he ends up not listening to me either.

For the record, he does try to change his mom but 'old habits die hard' so he was constantly trying to explain both our views to each other. And things she did would be acceptable in china 30 years ago. But i have no intentions of accepting mistreatment due to culture.

Choosing temporary separation over co-living with a critical mother-in-law isn’t running away—it’s protecting family harmony. The woman’s suggestion of a nearby apartment respects her husband’s caregiving role while safeguarding her kids’ routine. Her husband’s push for co-living, though rooted in duty, overlooks her valid concerns about tension.

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This reflects a broader challenge: balancing extended family needs with nuclear family well-being. Dr. Susan Forward, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Healthy boundaries prevent resentment in close-knit families.” Studies show 60% of couples face stress when in-laws live in, often due to clashing habits. The MIL’s unsolicited critiques, like reorganizing the kitchen, signal a need for clear limits.

The couple should negotiate boundaries. The woman could outline specific concerns—like no parenting critiques—while her husband ensures his mom respects them. A trial period with MIL in an apartment, with daily visits, could test the setup. If co-living is unavoidable, a family therapist might mediate to set rules, like designated spaces for privacy.

Long-term, open talks about expectations—how long MIL stays, how care is shared—can ease strain. The woman’s willingness to compromise shows strength, but her husband must meet her halfway.

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See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit dished out a mix of empathy and bold advice—like a family council with no holds barred. Here’s what they said:

JustAsICanBeSoCruel − Unfortunately, your MiL is putting you, as well as your husband, between a rock and a hard place. This should be something you and your husband tackle together as partners, and by allowing his mother to come between you two, he is saying she is a higher priority than you and your kids.

You need to do what is best for your children, and given how his mother has behaved in the past, I don't see a way around this. **But f**k no do you move out. You need to make it CLEAR that the apartment is for his mother and his mother ONLY. If he would like to go and crash there once in a while when taking care of her that's on him, but F**K NO are you and your babies leaving their home.**

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He isn't just her son. He is a father and husband and he needs to put on his big boy pants and figure out how to balance those roles in a way that is healthy for the people he is in charge of caring for - his children. Sit him down. Tell him you found an apartment where his mother can stay and he can go visit her, but she is not moving in, not even to crash for the night at the family home.

That is your family home and if he moves her in, she is coming between him and his family - his wife and children. If he wants to take care of his mother while she is sick that is admirable, but it can not be at the cost of his family, and you need to be firm that you are not moving out and she as sure as f**k isn't moving in.

CatCharacter848 − My bet is they want you to be the carer for MIL.. Stick with your plan.

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No-Sea1173 − You can set a boundary like that if necessary. It doesn't sound like you can stop her moving in, or stop your husband facillitating it.  Some people can continue a relationship while living separately, in fact 'living apart together' is becoming more common. I seriously doubt it would work when there are young children involved.

Surely you'll resent each other? I can't see a relationship surviving this, particularly as Dad misses both the joy and the labour of parenting.. Some questions - 'cancer' is a big spectrum, from medication and monitoring but live normally, through to hardcore chemo-radio-surgery and rapid decline.

Which is it? . - she's 68 - that's pretty young, could she live for decades? . - What's the long term plan if you do move out?  - if he chooses her above your family, do you really think you'll be able to forgive him enough to want to stay in a relationship with him? 

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Quiet-Hamster6509 − I'm quite confident both she and your husband will want you to care for her. Tell him that your plate is full with raising your children and you can focus on them while he focuses on his mother.. What has your husband said in response to living separately with the children?

OneMoreCookie − Honestly even before the updated extra reasons you get a say about who lives in your family home and who stays there. You don’t get to just up and decide to move someone into a house without your partners OK, that’s not how relationships work. With your extra information hell no does she move into your home.

Your husband is a husband and father first now and a child second. Your solution of her having an apartment nearby is a good one. Anyone suggesting it’s you potentially causing the breakdown of your marriage are tripping. You are not asking him to choose between you and his mother. You are choosing not to live with someone who is abusive to you and your children.

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You have the right to have a safe home and your children need that. You guys have had her live with you before and it sounds like a disaster. I think your going to have to sit down again and remind him of what it was like last time. Tell him you will not put your kids or yourself in that situation again.

You have found apartments his mother can live in nearby and he can go visit/care/stay with her when he likes/she needs (like for her rounds of chemo and the really rough days after). You want him to be able to be there for her but it cannot happen at the expense of your children or your own wellbeing.

Tell him honestly what you’ve said about not seeing your marriage survive if he moves her into your home again. Tell him that the last thing you want is for that to happen. This way she’s is close and he can care for her without it doing irreparable damage to your nuclear family in the process. - that’s the conversation I would be having with my husband in your position

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springflowers68 − Your husband should be the one to move out to stay with his mother if she needs a caregiver. Don’t give up your home and children’s home for someone who not only treats you poorly, but put your child’s life at risk. Good luck.

murphy2345678 − I think you have a husband problem. He thinks it’s ok that his 2 yr old was locked out? I would have kicked him out after that.. You do have a say in who lives in your home. Put your foot down and say NO.

Playful_Site_2714 − Does she even HAVE cancer? . I would check that first prior to going one single step further. . And nope.... don't displace your children for that utterly disrespectful lady. . Rather displace hubby. If anybody at all needs displaced. 

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Daytime_Mantis − I don’t mean to be rude, but is this cancer terminal? Like is she stage 4? Often cancer is very treatable and she probably doesn’t need someone to take care of her. And are you actually sure she’s not lying about having it just to get into your home? Also, your kids should absolutely not live in an apartment while your husband enjoys a 4 bedroom house. That’s fucked up and you should tell him if he does this, he moves, end of story.

Elegant_Pea_4195 − I don’t get why you think you have a MIL problem – you have a husband problem.

These takes are lively, but do they bridge the gap or widen the divide?

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This saga of a mother weighing a temporary move to preserve peace weaves a poignant tale of love and limits. The MIL’s illness pulls at heartstrings, but her critical nature threatens the family’s calm. The woman’s apartment plan isn’t a retreat—it’s a stand for her kids’ stability. With honest talks and firm boundaries, the couple can navigate this storm, perhaps blending visits with independence. What would you do to keep love strong amid family friction? Share your insights—let’s untangle this heartfelt knot!

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