I’m [29F] divorcing my husband [28M] for suggesting an open marraige… complicated feelings

Picture a cozy evening shattered by a single sentence, the kind that makes your heart plummet like a stone in a quiet pond. For one woman, that moment came when her husband of seven years, her partner through life’s wildest storms, suggested an open marriage. The air grew heavy with betrayal, her confidence crumbling like a sandcastle under a rogue wave. At 29, she faced a choice: compromise her boundaries or walk away from a love that once felt unbreakable.

Their story, born from a shotgun wedding to secure custody of his young sister, was one of sacrifice and shared dreams. Yet, as the sister moved on, cracks appeared. His proposal wasn’t just a suggestion—it was a declaration that she alone wasn’t enough. With vivid emotions swirling, her journey from heartbreak to empowerment unfolds, inviting readers to ponder: when does love demand too high a price?

‘I’m [29F] divorcing my husband [28M] for suggesting an open marraige… complicated feelings’

My husband [28M] and I [29F] have been together for 9 years, married for 7. We got a not so classic shotgun wedding to give ourselves better chances of receiving custody of his half sister [10F] when their mom suddenly passed away. Despite only being 20 and 21 years old, we did receive full legal custody over her absent father.

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This information isn't super relevant to the current situation, but it really sets the tone of our relationship with the sacrifices we made together and the things we each had to give up personally to raise this beautiful little girl. We don't have any children together, but his sister is now 17 and moved in with an older, more financially privileged aunt last year.

Over the past year of this newfound alone time, I feel like we have flourished each personally and as a couple. We never fight, arguments are rare and we are pretty good at coming to understandings and apologizing when necessary. Basically, I feel we had a pretty healthy relationship. We each do little things for each other. I receive flowers no less than 10 times a year.

We go on little vacations together and are generally really good. I guess a bit of the spark was sputtering out for a while, but I feel like that's normal for a relationship as long as ours. Fast forward to this past October. My husband seems like he has been depressed, which is normal for this time of year because of the timing of losing both his mom and dad in different years around the same time.

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The holidays are tough for him, so I get it and try to be there for him. He had previously planned a suicide attempt because of family issues before we met, so I take his mental health very seriously. He sits me down to have a serious conversation and starts it by saying he wants to open up our relationship. I felt my heart drop to my stomach but stayed silent and let him talk.

He doesn't go into why, just jumps right into rules and explains how he wants me to find someone first before he starts looking for someone himself. When I ask him why, he couldn't explain it and fumbled his words. I asked him if he already had someone in mind for himself, and of course he denies it. I couldn't help it, I definitely blew up. I was totally blindsided by this proposal.

I slept on the couch after my outburst, and he didn't even try to come after me to explain anything which kind of made me feel worse. I had never felt so unwanted in my life than in that moment. I have never given the impression that I was the kind of girl to be open to that kind of relationship. I will never judge anyone for wanting to live that kind of life, but it's just not for me.

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He went to work the next day, but I had the day off and really thought about my situation. After crying for hours, I came to the realization that this was the end for our marriage. Even suggesting an open marriage was a deal breaker for me, I realized. While he was still at work, I moved all his stuff out of our bedroom into his sister's old room, technically a spare room now.

He comes home from work, ready to talk it out. After talking through more of why he wants this I've come to realize several things. 1. He is way kinkier than he let's on, and is disappointed with our bedroom life. He knows I'm not on the same level and doesn't want to push me past my boundaries to try things he knows I won't like.

When I asked how he knows I won't like to try these new things, he explains they are an escalation of things he already knows I'm not down for but won't go into specifics. He also is unhappy with how infrequently we have s** but has never really put an the effort to change anything regarding it. Just complained over and over and expected me to just be 'ready' to do the deed any minute of the day.

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2. He feels we have nothing in common now that his sister is gone. For context, he is more of the outdoorsy type whereas I like to stay inside and read or play video games. I do venture out once in a while to do things he likes together and do genuinely enjoy them myself when I go like kayaking and skiing. I do understand that it isn't as often as he would like, though.

3. Because we got married so young, there are a lot of things neither of us really got to experience or try (mostly s**ually). He is mourning the loss of his young 20's and never getting to sleep around and explore his kinks.

4. Part of the rules he explained was that we wouldn't technically be sleeping around with whoever we wanted. He called it an open marriage but described it more as polyamory. Where we would each have a boyfriend or girlfriend of our own that we went on dates and did things together. Someone we were each allowed to love and be with s**ually. An emotional connection was pivotal for him, which broke my heart to pieces....

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During our talk, I told him I would never be able to look at him the same. I would never be enough for him, and he was basically trying to get a pass for guilt free cheating in my eyes. I told him it sounded like he wanted to be with someone else without ever leaving the comfort of his marriage. Knowing he could date around and not worrying if those relationships would fail because he could just come home to me.

He tried denying these things, saying he wanted to explore himself s**ually but didnt want to lose me in the process. He tried getting me to agree to marriage counseling to talk about the open marriage concept. I told him just proposing an open marriage was grounds for divorce for me, and I wasn't willing to go to a counselor for them to gang up on me to try to bully me into trying it.

I know in reality that never would have happened, but emotions were high in the moment. Because I told him I could never see him the same and how badly this crushed any self confidence I may have had, he doubled down. He said if we go back into a relationship and pretend this never happened then he would end up cheating on me. For him, it was open marraige or nothing.. I chose nothing.

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Divorce papers were filed exactly 1 week later. He was very hurt (angry) that I could jump right to divorce and kick him out of our bedroom so fast. But I refuse to be a second choice or have to fight for his attention. I can't believe he is okay with the idea of another person being inside of me. He is willing to just give me up to explore his options?

I can't believe I wasted so much of my time with him. Helping him heal his family and raise his sister; I feel completely used.. Advice? Did I overreact? Should I have waited longer before filing for divorce? Should I have just gone to marriage counseling, or was my gut instinct correct about the marriage being over? I still love and care about him, but my brain is screaming to be logical.

We still live together while we are trying to figure out how to split everything but now he is being super toxic and petty, saying hurtful things and then begging for personal details about my life. I need to get out of this house. How do I cope with these complicated feelings?

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The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Navigating a partner’s request for an open marriage can feel like stepping into an emotional minefield. For the woman in this story, her husband’s proposal wasn’t just a suggestion—it was a seismic shift that shattered her sense of security. His insistence on parallel polyamory, where both could form deep emotional and sexual connections with others, clashed with her monogamous values, highlighting a fundamental incompatibility.

The tension here mirrors a broader societal debate about relationship structures. According to a 2021 YouGov poll, only 4% of Americans practice non-monogamy, with many citing trust and communication as dealbreakers (soucre). Her husband’s approach—springing the idea without prior discussion—ignored the mutual consent critical to ethical non-monogamy. His threats of cheating if denied further eroded trust, a red flag in any relationship.

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Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist and expert on polyamory, notes, “Successful non-monogamy requires rigorous honesty and mutual agreement, not ultimatums” (source). In this case, the husband’s demands sidelined his wife’s boundaries, prioritizing his desires over their partnership. His post-divorce behavior—oscillating between hostility and pleas—suggests unresolved emotional turmoil, not a genuine commitment to polyamory.

For the OP, moving forward means rebuilding confidence. Experts recommend therapy to process grief and set healthy boundaries, alongside leaning on supportive friends and family.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

The Reddit community didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of empathy and fiery takes that could roast a marshmallow. Here’s what they had to say:

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ayymahi − “He said if we go back into a relationship & pretend this never happened then he would end up cheating on me”. Continue on with the divorce. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s someone on the side.

AThingUnderUrBed − No, you did the right thing. For you. Honestly, good for you.

nutbrownale − Based on most posts in here for once someone did it correctly.

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imstbhi − You’ve done the right thing and have handled this the best way you know how. I can’t imagine any of this has been easy, but you’re doing a great job navigating it. Don’t question yourself.

SnooWords4839 − He did use you to raise his sister and now wants to have fun with others.. Divorce is the right thing here.

Mehitabel9 − I told him I would never be able to look at him the same. I would never be enough for him, and he was basically trying to get a pass for guilt free cheating in my eyes. I told him it sounded like he wanted to be with someone else without ever leaving the comfort of his marraige.

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Knowing he could date around and not worrying if those relationships would fail becuase he could just come home to me.. Bingo. No, you did not overreact. And the fact that his behavior has turned toxic just confirms that your instincts are completely correct.

Awesome_one_forever − Did he even talk to you first about whatever he felt? It seems like he went from I'm unhappy to suggesting an open marriage. Completely skipping all the middle stuff.

Traeyze − He was very hurt (angry) that I could jump right to divorce and kick him out of our bedroom so fast.. But also: He said if we go back into a relationship and pretend this never happened then he would end up cheating on me. For him, it was open marraige or nothing. He can officially go eat spiders.

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If you notice him ever trying to throw the 'you're too hasty' stuff in your face again just point out he acknowledged to your face he would cheat if he had to. There is no 'hasty' in the face of that, he was the one that came into this discussion already resolute. An open dynamic to explore his sexuality is one thing but honestly he made pretty clear that how he views the relationship isn't the same as you.

I do think the conclusion he came to, one so utterly extreme and ill considered, probably is informed by a lot of his trauma and inability to regulate his emotions well. But the reality is that the path he talked himself into comes with a cost and you have already spent way too long being the one that deals with that fallout of it.

Minute_Box3852 − He keeps asking for info on your personal life.. There. You. Go.. You are correct. He wants to cheat fully and freely. Him pestering about your personal life now that you're technically split shows he didn't actually want you to do the same. He has a problem with YOU being with someone else. Treat him as a ghost you're waiting to exorcise. Do not engage with him anymore. Let the lawyer handle that.

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Jealous-Ad-5146 − You stood up for yourself. I know I’m a stranger on the internet but I’m super proud of you 🩷

Curious if these Reddit hot takes hit the mark or miss the point? They’re passionate, but do they capture the full picture of such a complex breakup?

This woman’s story is a testament to the power of standing firm in your values, even when it means walking away from someone you love. Her courage to choose divorce over compromise, followed by her resolve to go no contact, paints a portrait of resilience amid grief. As she unpacks her new home and her heart, she’s carving out space for healing and self-discovery. What would you do if faced with a partner’s dealbreaker demand? Share your experiences or advice below—let’s keep the conversation going!

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