I think my [45M] son [21M] is going to come out to me later this month. How do I make sure it goes well?

In a sunlit suburban home, where laughter usually fills the air, a father senses a shift. His 21-year-old son, once bubbly, now seems guarded, his eyes betraying unspoken worries. It’s Pride Month, and this dad, with a heart full of love, suspects his son is preparing to come out as gay. He’s eager to support him but treads carefully, wary of stealing his moment.

This story isn’t just about one family—it’s a universal dance of love and patience. Readers will feel the dad’s quiet hope, rooting for him to create a safe space for his son’s truth to shine.

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‘I think my [45M] son [21M] is going to come out to me later this month. How do I make sure it goes well?’

My son is gay. I knew when he was 5. My wife claims she knew when he was 4. We're fairly competitive with each other so I think she's just trying to beat me. My family is leaning towards anti-LGBT. They don't hate them, but they like to comment on it. My wife's family doesn't really care. They're pretty accepting of anyone as long as you respect others.

My son has tried his best to hide the whole gay thing. It's worked pretty well so far. He's had a few girlfriends and took his girlfriend at the time to prom. We thought he might be bi, but he never got the same look on his face when he looked at a cute guy vs a cute girl. Him and his friend Dakota have been hanging out a lot recently.

I think they're dating but it's hard to tell. In the weeks leading up to June, my son has been acting stranger. and so far this month he's still acting odd. I'm thinking with it being pride month, he wants to come out. I assume he's afraid to tell me because he thinks I have the same views as my family. I don't want to steal his moment and tell him I know but I can tell something is wrong.

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I asked him if wanted to go out for lunch later this week and he turned me down. Do I just wait for him to tell me or am I supposed to tell him I know? Should I make a joke about the fact that it's been obvious to me for the past 10+ years? Or is this a serious thing?. I only want what's best for him, and if he is dating Dakota, he's doing pretty well for himself.. 

Navigating a child’s coming out can feel like walking a tightrope—balancing support with respect for their autonomy. This father’s instinct to tread lightly is spot-on, but his hesitation reflects a common parental concern: how to foster openness without pushing. The dad’s situation hinges on his son’s apparent anxiety, possibly fueled by fear of judgment from his father’s less-accepting family. The father’s desire to reassure without assuming is wise, as premature assumptions could undermine his son’s agency. Meanwhile, the son’s recent odd behavior suggests he’s wrestling with vulnerability, a hallmark of preparing to come out.

This scenario reflects a broader societal issue: the pressure on LGBTQ+ youth to navigate family dynamics while asserting their identity. A 2023 survey by The Trevor Project found that 60% of LGBTQ+ youth felt unsafe coming out to family, yet parental support significantly reduces mental health risks. This underscores the father’s pivotal role in creating a safe space.

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Dr. Ryan Watson, a researcher on LGBTQ+ youth at the University of Connecticut, emphasizes preparation: “Parents should signal acceptance before a child comes out, through casual affirmations of diversity.” Watson suggests parents express support for LGBTQ+ issues in everyday conversations—like praising a Pride event or affirming love’s universality. Applied here, the father could casually mention enjoying a Pride parade or share a positive story about an LGBTQ+ friend, subtly signaling allyship.

For advice, the father should focus on small, consistent gestures: asking about his son’s friend Dakota with warmth or sharing a lighthearted comment about love being love. If the son opens up, listening without saying “I knew” is crucial to preserve his moment. The dad could say, “I’m so glad you shared this with me; I love you no matter what.” If the son remains hesitant, a gentle check-in about his recent mood—without assumptions—could open the door. Encouraging readers to share their own stories of supporting loved ones can deepen engagement and foster community discussion.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The Reddit community chimed in with a mix of heartfelt advice and clever quips—here’s the scoop on their candid takes:

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EngineeringDry7999 − Given that it’s pride month, take the opportunity to show your son your acceptance and allyship by commenting positively on how great it is when people find love no matter their genders. Love is love. Mention how you don’t understand how any parent could disown their kid for being gay since there is nothing wrong with loving someone. Etc…

Bossladii86 − Whatever you do. Do NOT let your family make any disrespectful remarks even if it means cutting them off. He needs to know you have his back 100%. I'd let him open up when he is ready but you can make litlle hints like if you have a pride festival near have your wife ask you if you want to go because some of her friends are going and say yes around him maybe then ask him if he would like to go too. All he needs to see is you are open to it. He will come around.

crankysoutherner − My daughter came out to her mom and me when she was in 7th grade. We just told her that's fine, and whether she likes boys or girls, we'll always love her just the same. She's a senior now, and her LGBTQ friends are a little jealous because their own parents didn't handle it so well.

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Honestly, it's kind of awesome because we have fun pointing out attractive women to each other. If I were in your shoes, I'd be less concerned with whether or not he's planning to come out to you and more concerned about his recent odd behavior. I'd tell him, 'Son, you haven't been acting like yourself recently,

and it's pretty obvious that something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe we can figure it out together. I know I seem too old to understand what you're going through, but I'm kind of like Farmers Insurance. I know a thing or two because I've seen a thing or two.'

RubyJuneRocket − The one thing I want to say immediately is: Do NOT say “I knew” if he tells you. NOBODY wants to hear that the thing they’ve been thinking they’ve been hiding about themselves was so obvious. It also ruins their ownership of the moment and denies them the ability to say .

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“this is who I am” and when the response is. “I already knew that” it’s a slap in the face, it’s deflating. The moment isn’t for you, it’s for your son, and you obviously know that, but so often the impulse to want to assure them that you’re cool with it ends up with people being like “we suspected and we will always love you.” 

bluewaffel710 − My approach to this has always been “hey ya know no one comes out as straight, they just bring someone home. Who ever you bring home, is who you bring home, and I will love them because you love them”

WritPositWrit − Just wait for him to come to you. Do NOT make a joke about it. Do not make assumptions. Do not smugly announce that you knew all along. Just be prepared to listen when he wants to talk and hug him when he wants a hug. He’s your son, he knows you.

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He’s heard how you talk about society. I’m sure LGBT type topics have been in the news now and then during his life, he’s heard what you say. So I doubt he thinks you agree with your family, unless you’ve said some off-color things.

charlesyo66 − When my youngest came out to me when she was about 12, I made sure that I kept a total poker face, so that she could say anything she had planned on saying without worrying about having to react to my expression. Then I told her that I cared but didn't care at the same time.

'That I cared that she felt secure enough to tell me the truth, and that I appreciated that, and that I *didn't* care in that it didn't change anything about her with me. I loved her and trusted her and cared deeply about her living her real life and not having to hide anything.'

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That was 8 years ago, and she now lives in Seattle, going to UW, and is over two years in to a relationship with a lovely woman. Incredibly proud of her. So, prepare to have that talk, when he's ready to share (if that's the case), so that you can give the support they need.

GFTurnedIntoTheMoon − **If you and your son are really close,** just tell him you love him and are worried about how anxious he seems lately. Tell him that you'll love him no matter what. You want him to be happy, and you're concerned that he isn't comfortable opening up to you right now.

**If you two don't have that kind of comfort level right now,** then you can build up to it over a few conversations. Think about the way you might address your son's potential relationship if he was straight. You'd probably ask about his crush/partner in a low-key way. Don't focus on the relationship right away -- Start with the person.. *E.G. 'Hey, how was Dakota's game last weekend?' 'Are you and Dakota planning to see MOVIE? It looks funny.'*

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Then, think about how you can show support for their relationship / friendship by making it easier for them to hangout sometime. *E.G. 'Want to invite Dakota to come over and help study for the test? I can pickup a pizza after errands. Does Dakota like pepperoni?'*. Hopefully, this will lead to a point where you feel comfortable later bringing up your concerns about his anxiousness.

PrivateEyeroll − There's a lot going on here. Most importantly you don't know if your son is gay or not. You are far too sure for the info you have.. In answer to your questions: Do I just wait for him to tell me or am I supposed to tell him I know? Do not tell him you know. Because you do not know.

You have a suspicion. You CAN talk to him about this in general. But 'hey, I feel like you've been withdrawing and I want to make sure you know that I'm in support of the LGBTQIA+ community in case whatever's eating you is related to that.' is a very very different statement from 'I know you're gay so you don't have to worry about that.' with no other context or lead up.

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Should I make a joke about the fact that it's been obvious to me for the past 10+ years? Do not do this under any circumstances. The closest to this you can get without it being high risk for almost no reward is if questioned why you don't seem shocked saying something about how you're glad your son trusts you and that he's not a different person so even though this is new info, it doesn't change how much you love and care about him.

Just because it doesn't change things doesn't mean it's not important. And for good or ill jokes like this make it seem like you think it's not important even though what you mean is that it doesn't change things. Or is this a serious thing? It is a serious thing. It's also very possible it's different than what you think it is. He might be gay, he might not be.

He might have any number of different sexualities. He might be some flavor of trans. He might be cis and straight and uncomfortable with feeling like his parents act like he's gay because of stereotypes. He might be struggling with something totally unrelated to sexuality or gender.

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He's 21. He's old enough you can have adult conversations so as long as you stop assuming and handle this with compassion I do think talking to him is a good idea. Just try and frame it in a way that isn't assuming you know the answer and also isn't making light of things.

Purple_Bowling_Shoes − Your son is an adult and you should let him work out his own feelings. He might not be gay. Or he might be, but not sure himself so he doesn't want to announce it yet. If you and your wife 'have known' since he was young, it could also be that he's just not interested in traditional masculine things, but has gotten the message that must mean he's gay.

Bottom line is, let him come to you. My mom forced me out of the closet before I was ready and our relationship was deeply fractured for years afterwards.  If you want him to know that it's safe to come to you, there are ways to do that without being overbearing. Post a happy pride month message on social media or something. But let him take his time. 

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These opinions spark a lively debate, but do they capture the full picture? Reddit’s wisdom is bold, but real-life nuances might call for a softer touch.

This father’s journey is a testament to love’s power to bridge uncertainty with care. By waiting patiently and signaling support, he’s poised to make his son’s coming-out moment a cherished memory. Readers, what would you do in his shoes? Have you navigated a similar moment with a loved one? Share your stories and tips below—let’s keep the conversation going!

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