I don’t want to relocate to India with my husband.

In a sunlit New Zealand café, a 26-year-old European woman sipped coffee, her mind worlds away in bustling Delhi. Her Punjabi husband, after a decade in NZ, dreams of relocating to India’s vibrant capital for family and business. But for her, the city’s frenetic pace and cultural shifts—like navigating crowded streets or new social norms—feel like a leap too far from her rooted life.

This isn’t just about moving; it’s a dance of love, identity, and compromise. As she proposes splitting time between NZ and India, the story probes: can a marriage bridge two worlds without losing either partner’s spark?

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‘I don’t want to relocate to India with my husband.’

My husband is a Punjabi and I am a European NZ. We have been married for three years and he has been living in New Zealand for 10 years. I have been to India many times for three months at a time each go. My husband has decided he wants to relocate us to India permanently, I really don’t want to.

I would never force him to distance himself from his roots but I honestly don’t think I could cope with India for atleast 6 - 8 months a year, he said we could visit NZ yearly apparently. I made a compromise with him that I visit India for three months a year and he can stay 6-8 months a year.

He says life in India would be better for us because we would have more money and he has more connections in business there etc. My husband didn’t agree to this and said where ever and whatever the husband says the wife should follow. He said he Weill buy me a car in India and I can get a job teaching English to pre schoolers.

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I can only speak the basics on Punjabi and no one in Punjab but his parents and a few of his relatives who don’t speak English anyway. I am really conflicted and cry about this often because I feel like I’m going to be giving up my freedom and individuality. The times I have stayed in India have been hard at some points as my husbands house is rural and I can’t leave or go anywhere without him.

I don’t get to wear what I like and to be honest if I say I don’t want to eat or drink something that is culturally Punjabi I found his family judged me so much. His parents also told me to stop watching English tv shows in the house. I followed their instructions and turned it off but felt super sad after wards.

I think that maybe I am being selfish for not wanting to live in India but I don’t want to be trapped with no where to go. I think I will go mad. Any insight on my situation would be appreciated. Sorry my paragraphs and words are all over the place, my thoughts in my head and just a mess at the moment.

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Hesitating to relocate across continents isn’t selfish—it’s human. The woman’s love for her NZ life clashes with her husband’s pull toward Delhi’s opportunities, highlighting a universal challenge in cross-cultural marriages. Her compromise—three months in India yearly—shows flexibility, but his push for a full move reflects cultural expectations of shared homes.

This mirrors a broader issue: navigating identity in globalized relationships. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, says, “Successful couples make decisions as a team, honoring both partners’ dreams.” Only 20% of international relocations succeed without mutual planning, per relocation studies. The woman’s struggle with Delhi’s pace and language barriers is valid—urban India can overwhelm even seasoned travelers.

The couple needs open dialogue. She could explore Delhi’s expat communities or English-teaching roles to ease the transition, while he might consider remote business ventures to split time. A trial period in Delhi could test compatibility. Both must prioritize mutual respect—her independence, his roots.

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Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit served up a buffet of empathy and practical tips—like a global family brainstorming session. Here’s what they said:

gdubh − “Whatever the husband says, the wife should do.” He’s telling you who he is. Just wait until you are isolated and surrounded by this belief/culture.

mangoserpent − This marriage is not going to work. Sorry.. Do not go to Punjab you will be alone and isolated.

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Blu3Stocking − I’m Indian and if my husband forced me to move back to India I’d leave. And if I couldn’t even speak the language? No way in hell am I going there. No support system, a dominating husband, inlaws who judge you and don’t let you watch TV? This is terrible even by Indian standards. Don’t go.

No man is worth the mental and who even knows, physical torture. If you leave him you’ll be sad for a while then move on. If you go with him that whole thing is going to include a lot of extra years of suffering. Please don’t go. I’m very worried for your safety and mental health if you follow this man to a place where you have no support whatsoever.

Big_Miss_Steak_ − I’m British Punjabi- do not go. It’s easy to say- but if it means that it’s the end of your marriage then so be it. Even if you end up staying in NZ, I’d reevaluate your relationship. I’d also be leery of even going to visit now that you know his intentions.

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Sorry I don’t want to seem dramatic but I really would not put it past them to try and keep you there once you visit. The filial duty is strong and he will listen to his parents before you.. Wishing you the strength to make the decisions you need.

whoknowswhywhat − Don't make the mistake of relocating to India. Your punjabi husband is showing you his hidden patriarchal side. Your concerns are very valid. Heed your instincts or you will suffer.

TheDrewscriver − I am an Indian...Born and raised. Don't even consider moving. It would be borderline insane, and if you are seriously considering this please DM me cause you need a reality check.  I come from Bangalore - very urban, English is spoken by a large percentage of the population, and it's still a tough place to live.

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My wife and I might move back from the US for personal reasons, but if she was born in the USA, neither of us would. Even with both of us being locals, being comfortable living there, speak the local languages, being highly educated and would find good jobs - it's still a challenge.

For you, it would be a veritable nightmare, and that's just scratching the surface. Rural Punjab, without the ability to drive around, wear clothing of your choice, or even communicate? It's madness Your husband seems to have married you for the citizenship and is now moving back to isolate and control you, cause his entire plan centers only around him with no desire to understand where you are coming from. 

OLIVEmutt − Relocating to another country is a 2 yes decision. You don’t want to go. You don’t have to go.

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woolencadaver − Not a chance in hell I would relocate to India as a woman. Never move anywhere you will have a worse life. How will you make friends you will be a complete outsider, no language, no family. Don't do it. He can't move somewhere you won't be safe.

If he wants to start a business there, he can fly in and out and do it remotely. If he is good at what he does that can work. You are not going to sacrifice your happiness, freedom, your life for him. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. No. Big fat no.

gftz124nso − Based on what you have written here, I strongly advise you not to go. I do sympathise with your husband - it must be hard living away from your family and connections - but he knew that when he married a woman not from his country and with no plans to live there.

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The feelings described here make me feel panicked and trapped, and his attitude (that his feelings on this matter more than yours) does not help. I'm so sorry, I know how much it must feel like this is threatening your relationship, but you only get one life. Where and how you spend your days is so important. I would not budge on this and I would be cautious about feeling pressured to stay if/when you visit India next.

Zorgas − There's a huge reason why people leave India for countries like New Zealand. There's a huge reason why New Zealand is one of the most successful countries in the planet. A sane person does not leave New Zealand for India, ever.

These insights are heartfelt, but do they pave a path to harmony or just echo the couple’s divide?

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This tale of a Kiwi wife and her Punjabi husband’s Delhi dreams weaves a vibrant thread through love’s complex tapestry. Her reluctance to leave NZ isn’t defiance—it’s a plea to preserve her identity. His pull toward India is no power grab, but a call to his roots. Their compromise could be a bridge, blending NZ’s calm with Delhi’s pulse through part-time stays or trial runs. But it hinges on listening. How would you weave two cultures into one marriage? Share your thoughts—let’s stitch this story together!

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