I (40F) had a miscarriage and my husband (44M) really let me down. How do we build trust again?

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In a home filled with the soft hum of daily life, a 40-year-old mother’s world shatters after a miscarriage. Wracked with pain, she cooks for her husband and his mother, cares for their toddler, and collapses in agony—yet her husband doesn’t check on her for over 24 hours. His indifference, atop years of unreciprocated effort, leaves her trust in tatters.

This isn’t just about one loss; it’s a raw reckoning with love’s limits and resilience tested. Readers will feel her heartbreak, rooting for her to rebuild or release a marriage that’s left her empty, wondering how trust can mend when change feels distant.

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‘I (40F) had a miscarriage and my husband (44M) really let me down. How do we build trust again?’

We have one son (3M) and generally our relationship has been good. We recently had a miscarriage and his response was terrible. While I’m in pain, I still cooked for him and his mother (she stays with us) and took care of our child. I laid down in our bedroom after being in too much pain and he didn’t check on me once for over 24 hours.

I was so weak and dehydrated. He only came to drop off our child at 7am because “he really wanted you”. I stopped talking to him after getting some strength back. I gray stoned him for a few weeks. He has bought flowers once, cooked only once the entire time. The separation left me thinking about all the things I’ve done for him and he hasn’t done for me.

The past 6 years of marriage, I quit my life to move to him, he’s never planned a single date or trip, never planned a single wedding anniversary. I’ve never taken his money. This isn’t the first time he didn’t take care of me when I was sick. Last time, I told him how he should take care of a sick person.

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Whenever he was sick, I babied him. I brought up divorce. He said I should have asked for him help. But he didn’t even check up on me once. We’ve been in counseling and our counselor said I need to forgive him (don’t forget, just forgive him) and my husband needs to learn empathy. We need to build our trust again.

But honestly, my tank is empty. I don’t even want to talk to him. I don’t see him budging to change either. He’s not any more attentive than before and that’s already a low bar. Is this marriage done? Is it even possible to bring back trust if there’s no indication of change?

Update: went to several sessions of therapy. All of the therapist we’ve seen are positive that my husband is depressed. We are working through it. I didn’t see that he was grieving as much as I was. He thought I needed space and held our kid as much as he can. He has apologized and we are becoming stronger together.

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A miscarriage is a profound loss, and this woman’s pain was compounded by her husband’s failure to offer care or even check on her. His neglect—leaving her dehydrated and alone while she managed household duties—signals a deeper lack of empathy, worsened by years of her carrying the emotional and practical load in their marriage.

This reflects a broader issue: unequal emotional labor can fracture trust, especially in crisis. A 2023 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that partners’ failure to provide support during grief significantly predicts relationship dissatisfaction. His claim that she “should have asked” for help dismisses his responsibility to notice her suffering, a red flag for emotional disconnection.

Dr. Sue Johnson, a couples therapy expert, notes, “Trust rebuilds when partners show consistent, attuned care.” His minimal efforts—flowers once, cooking once—fall short, especially given his history of inaction during her illnesses. Therapy’s diagnosis of his depression and grief explains but doesn’t excuse his neglect; meaningful change requires him to actively demonstrate empathy, like checking in daily or planning small acts of care.

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She could set clear expectations, saying, “I need you to show up for me with actions, not just apologies.” If he engages, tracking small improvements might rebuild trust. If he remains unchanged, she should prioritize self-care—leaning on friends or family—and consider legal advice to protect her and her son. Therapy can help her process grief and clarify her path.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit unleashed a storm of empathy and outrage—here’s the community’s raw take:

[Reddit User] − Your husband f**king sucks. What an utter failure of a husband, father and general human being. He utterly and completely lacks empathy. Clearly there is no marriage here. He is incapable of being a partner to you and supporting you in even basic ways..

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I would leave somebody like this. There's no fixing people who are missing empathy circuitry in their brain.. Your counselor also sucks, by the way.. Plan your escape and leave the 'You should've asked' comic printed out on the counter.

alex_daniels3 − Honestly it’s up to you if you want to put in more effort. Cause let’s be real even if he does change you’re gonna have to put in effort to change him. He seriously doesn’t know empathy? At his grown age? I get why you’re exhausted lol. I understand what the therapist is saying but it’s not like this was some common cold he ignored you had.

This was a whole ass miscarriage of a baby he helped create and he couldn’t be bothered to even check on you? Ya that would be my final straw too. I don’t think you’re in the wrong for no longer wanting to take care of 2 extra adults who barely acknowledge you. Take care of yourself and your baby boy!!

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AmishAngst − You already cook, clean, and care for yourself physically and emotionally. You are essentially the sole care giver to your child. And you maintain financial independence. I hate to break it to you, but you're already single. Just in the most ridiculous and frustrating way possible by choosing to be single with an anchor tied around you in the shape of a grown ass man

and his mommy who steal your time and emotional reserves by expecting you to care for them with nothing in return. Do yourself a favor and just be actually single. It's honestly a hell of a lot easier and more emotionally freeing and satisfying than your current version of being single.

ChickenScratchCoffee − Wouldn’t be worth it to me. I’d move on and not raise my child around a s**tty human.

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SilverQueenBee − My take is that he sees you as the caretaker. You take care of him, your son and his mother. When you failed to do that because you had miscarried and were in pain, you failed to do your job. That's all you are to him. You know you are much more than that but you can't be more than that in your current situation.

[Reddit User] − Can't teach a 40 year old man empathy. . He is who he is. If he's making you miserable in this marriage isn't working for you get out now because you're wasting your time.

SherrKhan32 − You do not need to forgive him! That's b.s. advice.  

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Soonretired1 − You're the bang maid for him and his mom.

RandomReddit9791 − The best acknowledgement and apology is changed/improved behavior. If you still don't see that, it likely isn't going to happen. You shouldn't have to ask for help when your partner knows you need it. . It seems like you're unfulfilled in your marriage and this was just the tipping point. 

Revolutionary_Ad1846 − Your husband sucks. Im so sorry for you loss. If you were my friend or neighbor i would have brought you chicken soup.

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These fiery responses rally behind her, but do they light the path forward? Reddit’s passion fuels debate, yet her journey needs a steady hand.

This woman’s courage to face her husband’s neglect amid unimaginable loss is a testament to her strength. Her story challenges us to weigh love against accountability. Readers, have you rebuilt trust after a partner let you down? How did you find clarity? Share your stories below—let’s support her through this crossroads!

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