I (35F) regret marrying my husband (34M)- how to get pass this?

In a cozy home filled with baby giggles, a 35-year-old woman feels a pang of regret. Once swept up in the thrill of trail running and love, she married her affair partner, leaving behind a stable, joyful relationship. Now, as the sole breadwinner and primary caregiver, she faces her husband’s absence and clashing values, her dreams of a harmonious family fading.

This isn’t just one woman’s heartache—it’s a raw reflection on choices, guilt, and the courage to seek better. Readers will feel her quiet struggle, wondering how she’ll navigate the weight of her past and find a brighter path forward.

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‘I (35F) regret marrying my husband (34M)- how to get pass this?’

I am a 35F female who made a mistake of a lifetime. I grew up in a household where my parents fought a lot. During my doctoral years in graduate school, I was in a stable 4 year relationship with a doctor that felt perfect— my ex was loving, funny, generous, kind and had very strong character and similar internal value system.

We never fought. I was happy, fulfilled, motivated, secure, and overall a better, stronger person with him by my side. I remember looking at him while he was driving once and thinking “man, he will be such a good dad one day.” The segment in my life with him was happy, but looking back it also felt alien. I had never been in such a stable relationship before. I didn’t grow up like that.

I had never been this supported or happy. I didnt know how good I had it. However, our s** life wasn’t great to nonexistent. At the end of our relationship, I ended up moving away for a highly competitive, once in a lifetime job offer. While away, I cheated on him and we are no longer together. I cheated on him with my husband.

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My husband and I met because we shared a similar passion for trail running ultramarathons. We loved being outdoors and having someone by my side in such a niche sport felt special. I overlooked the fact that he only graduated from high school and was/is making minimum wage while I make 6 figures. I was young and thought that love would prevail.

I started to see cracks in our relationship as time went on. While I was working hard and overtime to save up for a house, he would disappear for days on camping trips, leaving me to take care of household chores and our dog. We fought over so many little things and had countless communication issues.

We do not communicate well or do conflict resolution well. I noticed our sense or humor always didn’t j**e, for example there was a time I questioned if he’s r**ist because of jokes he made with his friends, and it really bothered me. Our empathy level for others and this planet are very different. But I was in my 30s then and thought I needed to make this work.

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I later learned that there is guilt from cheating and oftentimes you feel like you need to end up with the person to make it feel right. So… we got married and now have a baby.. After having a baby, our differences and conflicting values are amplified. - After marrying, he took an expensive career change which I am funding. He comes home from work tired and sometimes needs to study after work or on weekends.

- When he’s not studying, he lies in bed on his phone instead of spending time with me or our baby. He says he needs to decompress. He is always on his phone, whereas I cut down on screen time for my baby.

- he says his career comes first (even though it doesn’t pay much compared to my career). He says when he gets a chance, he is going to move our family out of state to advance his career. I told him I do not want that because we have grandparents, good schools and a strong community here for our child.

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- he does nearly 0% of childcare throughout the week. On weekends he may have 15-30 minute play sessions with our baby, but it’s always spontaneous, on HIS time, and I never know how much free time I will have before he says “I need to get back to studying”, so it’s hard for me to get things done or run errands out of the house

- despite him being very absent as a parent, he is very opinionated with raising our baby and everything seems to be my fault according to him. Not a pleasant experience. - he threatens me with more workload. If I complain about his absence as a dad while he’s playing with our baby, he leaves the room and says “I’m playing with him for YOI, if you’re not grateful I need to get back to work”.

Similarly, I did all of our taxes as always and he offers to help mail the packet. When I complained he forgot to attach the w2s among missing other things, he said this was too complicated and he’s going to bed — never said thank you to me for doing our taxes. leaving me to finish the task he offered to help.

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- he is entitled. For example, he saves $0 for the down payment of our home, yet our home NEEDS to have 3 car garages and he needs an extra room for a music studio (that he never uses now). Yes, I wanted to be a good partner and conceded to his demands. (And now feel resentful).

- I also feel resentful when I see friends who married their classmates now living in nice, safe, highly sought after neighborhoods in beautiful homes or have 2 or 3 homes, while we needed to make some compromises as I’m the sole breadwinner in our relationship.

- our educational level differences also show in our conversations. It does not seem like he looks into global or political issues deeply or empathetically. He has no interest in doing or learning how to do conflict resolution. It also appears he is too insecure to apologize. After knowing him for 8 years and countless arguments, he has only apologized once or twice to me, while I apologize after nearly all arguments

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- he is always tired. One morning outing to the park, and he needs to be in bed for 3 hours… 2 hours in his phone and 1 hour napping Yes, I know money/income and education isn’t everything. I know this may be my fate from karma from cheating on my good ex. I am just feeling lost and alone. Iam wondering, I don’t know, if anyone has any advice. If things will get better. Or how I can move pass this. Do you think I made a mistake? Thank you for reading.

Marrying an affair partner often carries heavy baggage, and this woman’s regret highlights a painful mismatch. Her husband’s minimal parenting, entitlement, and career focus—while she funds their life—breed resentment, amplified by their communication struggles and differing values.

Her guilt from cheating and fear of repeating her parents’ volatile marriage likely pushed her to stay, despite red flags. This reflects a broader issue: unresolved trauma can trap people in unhealthy cycles. A 2023 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples with poor conflict resolution skills report higher divorce rates, underscoring the strain here.

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Psychologist Dr. Shirley Glass, an expert on infidelity, noted, “Affairs often create unrealistic expectations; the reality of daily life exposes incompatibilities.” This woman’s idealized view of her husband’s passion didn’t survive the grind of parenting and financial stress. His refusal to apologize or engage empathetically suggests insecurity, further isolating her.

To move forward, individual therapy could help her process guilt and childhood patterns, empowering her to set boundaries or consider divorce. A calm conversation—stating, “I feel alone in parenting; we need to share responsibilities”—might clarify his willingness to change. If he resists, legal advice on protecting her assets and child’s stability is wise. She should prioritize self-care, perhaps reconnecting with supportive friends, to rebuild confidence.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit brought the heat with blunt advice and sharp wit—here’s what the community had to say:

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henicorina − Sorry but your last point is so funny, you think your ultramarathon-running partner is exhausted by going to the park?? The truth is he just doesn’t want to spend time with you and the baby, just like how you don’t really enjoy your conversations with him. You both resent each other.

Baddibutsaddi − It's been 8 years of this, and you still think things are going to get better? Has it gotten better? No. Will it get better? No. What makes you stay? It can't be the child he never spends time with? You've made one mistake in marrying him, but you can still get a divorce. You don't have to live your life stuck with him.

Edit to add: Please get therapy. The good relationship felt alien to you because it's not the version of love you grew up seeing, so it felt alien. Then you met and cheated with your husband, who is familiar to you. He is basically your dad. You repeated the cycle, but now that you've identified it. I suggest therapy to help you break out. Individual therapy, not couples. I know you don't have the time, but you need to carve out the time for therapy.

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SkyXIV − That’s crazy that the this new guy treats you horribly and you are completely loyal to him. And the ex who treated you perfectly you cheated without hesitation. Advice be divorce and move on I suppose. You’ll probably have to pay your husband spousal support as you make more.

DookieMcDookface − Jesus… self sabotage to the extreme. Please divorce him. You’re already a single mother. You just don’t realize it. Definitely start therapy before jumping into your next relationship.

Nonameswhere − While away, I cheated on him and we are no longer together.. I cheated on him with my husband. . Yeah that usually does not work out. You need to get a divorce. Get therapy. And do not get into a relationship again until you have matured emotionally.

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Artistic-Dust1406 − So in short you cheated on someone who treated you so well and ended up with a guy you hardly knew and now you regret it? This all seems self inflicted. If your not happy leave, you left when you were happy so what's so hard about it now?

Skippyasurmuni − I’ll never understand marrying an affair partner.. If anything screams “I’ll never be able to trust this person”, it’s getting with someone who cheated with you.. If they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.

womp-womp-rats − You are already a single parent. Just make it official.

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tsunamisurfer35 − I'd like to thank you for letting your ex be happy with his life.

sbull630 − Divorce him and go to therapy

These takes cut deep, but do they hold all the answers? Reddit’s candor sparks debate, yet her path forward needs a personal touch.

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This woman’s story lays bare the cost of choices made in passion and guilt. Her strength in questioning her marriage is a step toward clarity, whether through repair or release. Readers, have you faced regret over a life-changing decision? How did you find peace? Share your thoughts below—let’s support her journey!

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