I (35F) am not sure if I want to be married to my wonderful husband (38M) anymore :( what do I do?

Jonathan Hours
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In a cozy home filled with children’s laughter and the hum of a well-run household, a 35-year-old mother pauses, her heart heavy with a secret. Married to a man who’s her rock—loyal, loving, and a hands-on dad—she’s wrestling with a quiet ache: she’s not sure she’s in love anymore. Despite date nights and a partnership most would envy, she dreams of solitude, not romance, leaving her torn between her family’s joy and her own elusive happiness.

Her Reddit confession spills out like a late-night journal entry, raw and vulnerable, sparking a flood of advice from strangers. It’s a story that tugs at the heart—how do you choose between a life you’ve built with love and a nagging need to find yourself ? As she steps into therapy, hoping to untangle her feelings, her journey resonates with anyone who’s ever wondered if they’re enough for the life they’ve chosen.

‘I (35F) am not sure if I want to be married to my wonderful husband (38M) anymore 🙁 what do I do?’

I hate writing this because it makes it feel so much more real, but here goes... I (35F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 12 years, together for 14. We have two wonderful children (8F and 5M) and have built a great life together. I have no complaints about the man I am married to - he is loyal, honest, a hard worker.

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He does everything for us and adores both me and our children. I have never had to question his faithfulness, he's never been the slightest bit abusive, he keeps up with his end of the housework (plus more, if I'm honest). He is not perfect, but he is an amazing husband, father, and friend. However, I have not been attracted to him for years and find myself wondering if I'm 'in love'.

I adore the person he is... he is my absolute best friend. But I often find myself fantasizing about being alone. I don't think about dating or being with other men; I'd be fine being single. I have thought about divorce so many times in the past 4 years or so, but always pushed those thoughts aside for our family. They have become more frequent lately and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Yes, we go on dates frequently and try to find activities that we enjoy together. I have been pushing myself to be intimate with him more in the hopes that I will overcome all these feelings, but I just find myself not turned on in the slightest. It has nothing to do with his physical appearance - he is very handsome and takes care of himself. I just am not into it.

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I have started therapy individually to help process these feelings as well as deal with past personal trauma. I have also set up an appointment for marriage counseling for us, although I'm not sure if that will do any good since we don't really have any 'problems' to talk through. Our relationship is great and we rarely argue. We agree on a lot and take care of our home and children as a solid team.

This would be so much easier if he wasn't so great. I despise myself for saying I am considering divorcing such a wonderful man. It absolutely breaks my heart to think that I'd be hurting him and hurting our children. I'm not saying that I will divorce, but I have certainly considered it multiple times. I have no real 'reason' to leave, other than unhappiness on my part.

I know he'd go out of his way to try to make me happy, however I don't think there's anything that can be done on his end. I am prepared for the awful comments I'll receive here. Just curious if anyone has been in a similar situation and how you've dealt with it. I'm so torn between spending the rest of my life sacrificing my own happiness for that of my husband/best friend and children, or risking it all to find myself.

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Questioning love in a solid marriage is like finding a crack in a beautiful home—it’s unsettling, but not necessarily a collapse. This woman’s lack of attraction and yearning for solitude reflect a personal crisis, not a failing partnership. Her husband’s devotion contrasts with her emotional disconnect, a tension rooted in her need for self-discovery. While she’s proactive with therapy, her hesitation to share these feelings fully with her husband risks widening the gap.

This struggle is common; a 2021 study by the Institute for Family Studies found 20% of married women report lower marital satisfaction due to unmet personal needs (source). Her fantasies of being alone may signal burnout or suppressed individuality, especially as a busy mom.

Psychologist Dr. Esther Perel, an expert on relationships, notes, “Love is not just about passion; it’s about creating space for each partner to grow as individuals” (source). Perel’s insight suggests this woman needs to reclaim her identity—through hobbies, solo trips, or honest talks—to revive her connection. Her husband’s focus on togetherness may unintentionally stifle her.

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She should communicate her need for alone time gently, framing it as self-care, not rejection. Scheduling regular “me time” or a solo weekend could help, alongside therapy to address past trauma. Marriage counseling can guide them to balance closeness with independence.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit jumped in with a mix of tough love and empathy, offering this mom a mirror to her dilemma. From warnings of regret to calls for solo adventures, here’s what the community shared:

lady_polaris − Passion fades. A reliable partner that you can stand to live with is a f**king treasure.

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New_Arrival9860 − What is it that makes you think your husband is the source of your unhappiness ?. What things in your life would be improved if you were to divorce ?. What things in your life would you regret if you were divorced ?

[Reddit User] − My personal opinion is that you will really regret it if you leave what you have in order to find yourself. Not sure what you are expecting to find, but I can only imagine you will find that you miss what you had. Maybe you need more alone time/me time or something like that. 

MossValley − You find him attractive, you're just not attracted to him. He's a great guy but you're unhappy. I'm sorry but it's all in your head. You likely married too young and you are having a bit of FOMO. The 'in love' feeling is soooo much less important than the security and peace you have with your current partner. Plus the in love feeling can be worked on. You're just talking yourself out of him.

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Imo you will really regret leaving him. Finding a good man is not easy. You have no idea how many toxic men are out there. You will likely find lots of 'in love' relationships. It will be exciting if you leave but you will find out the hard way that good relationships are really, really hard to find.

keyrodi − OP, this is very, very normal, at least in my observations. So at least find comfort in that. It’s good that you’re proactive about addressing this, and the only advice I have is what you already set up: Therapy and marriage counseling. The latter will help as the counselor will help you communicate your feelings to your husband.

The former will get to the bottom of why you feel that way and what you can do to handle it. Don’t divorce. Don’t start the process. This is, at this point, a rough patch. You have to see if you can get through it first.

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Throw_RA099 − Info: Do you get time to go out and have time for yourself? Do you get massages or go out with friends for a night? I didn't see this mentioned anywhere. Sounds like you're burnt out. Enlist the grandparents and go on a trip with your husband by yourselves. The kids are old enough. It sounds like you need an injection of some spice into your marriage. Go to an adults only all inclusive resort maybe.

I'm not saying become swingers, but the atmosphere at these places is really sexy and intimate and brings lots of couples closer together. Otherwise, get into therapy to talk this out. I've read this time and time again before. If you leave, you'll be kicking yourself months or a couple of years later at the most and realize that the grass isn't always greener. It never fails.

mumpet19 − I was engaged at 19. I remember my now husband telling me in 1980 that 'life is not one big sparkle.' I was so upset. I wanted our life to be fantastic and fun and 'sparkly'. 44 years later, I look back at that and know that he was absolutely right. We have a great life together, and I would do it all again with him. But, life has its ups and downs and you do it together as a team.

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Curious-Duck − This is classic self sabotage.. If you allow it to take hold, you will one day look back and regret it. I see no way in which your life would be any better if you divorced your husband- there is quite literally no reason for it. You would certainly not be “happier” if you broke apart your family, broke his heart, and were left on your own to put the pieces back together.

Low-Celebration8725 − I think you need alone time. But you don't need a divorce. I'm a person who needs a lot of alone time, but let me tell you that leaving someone who can be your best friend and ideal spouse would be a mistake. With kids that age, you probably don't get a lot of down time. TALK to your husband, not about wanting divorce, but about needing some time to yourself.

Is there a way he can take the kids and go out somewhere for a day? So you can have the day to yourself, take a bath, read a book, journal, or just think - think about who you used to be before marriage and what you used to enjoy doing. Do this on a regular basis, maybe twice a month.

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Find the old you and bring her to life in your marriage. What stands out in your letter is the need to have alone time, and the desire to find 'yourself', so work on those two things without disturbing a marriage that doesn't seem to be disturbing you, and see what happens. Do that before tearing down a life that satisfies you in most ways, and ruining the lives of your husband and kids.

Purple_Love_797 − You sound like you don’t have much time to you. Please work on that. I think that’s why you dream of being alone. I am 99% sure you will regret divorcing your husband. My ex was not a good husband, he didn’t carry his weight financially, in the house, with child care and was emotionally awful to me.

That all said, I was still devastated after the dust settled after my divorce. It’s the loss of a dream of a life that you spent your whole life building- and then it’s gone. I think you would be devastated too, and I would really work on carving out you time.

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These takes are spicy and heartfelt, but do they hit the mark, or are they missing the deeper layers of her journey?

This woman’s story is a poignant reminder that even the best marriages can face quiet storms. Her courage to confront her feelings through therapy and counseling shows a commitment to both herself and her family. But the path ahead hinges on finding her own spark without shattering the home she’s built. Have you ever felt torn between personal happiness and family ties? What steps would you take to rediscover yourself while holding tight to those you love?

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