I (28F) messaged my boyfriend’s (28M) coworker because I think he wants to cheat on me with her. Is it ok?

Jonathan Hours
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In the dim glow of a 4 AM bedroom, a 28-year-old woman’s heart races as she stares at her boyfriend’s phone, a single notification unraveling her trust. A flirty message from his coworker, Addy, hints at secret outings—city lights, mini golf, a movie—while he banished her to her parents’ house. With trembling fingers, she messages Addy, exposing the truth, only to face the gut-wrenching reality of his deception and her own regret.

This story crackles with the sting of betrayal, pulling readers into a whirlwind of suspicion and courage. As the woman grapples with her boyfriend’s lies and her bold move to confront Addy, it’s a stark reminder that love can hide thorns. Will her discovery spark freedom or shatter her world? Dive in for a tale that’s as raw as it is relatable.

‘I (28F) messaged my boyfriend’s (28M) coworker because I think he wants to cheat on me with her. Is it ok?’

Reposting here from AITAH because the post was locked. I, 28F, visited my boyfriend's, 28M, office because I had an appointment nearby. As I was about to enter the building, I saw him with a coworker. He pretended he didn't see me but we met each other's eyes. I thought it was one of those walking meetings, where they take walks while having discussions so I didn't think anything of it.

When I asked him who he was with, he said it was a work friend named Addy (fake name). I remembered an Addy popping up on his instagram notifications before so I asked if it was the same person, and why he hasn't told me anything about a new work friend, as we know each other's friends. He told me to chill, and that if I'm thinking of something malicious, know that she is not his type.

I asked of O could see what they were chatting on instagram about, and he said I was being toxic and that I was invading his privacy. I said if it's nothing, why can't he just show it? He repeatedly called me toxic until I told him to stop. He told me that he needs some time alone so I have to stay at my parent's house.

We love together, by the way. I said no, but he said he needs to think and being by himself makes him think more clearly. Fast forward to today, 2 weeks from the incident, we went to a party and he got drunk that I had to walk him from the car to our bed. As I was about to get in bed myself, his phone popped up with a notification saying ,'U up?' It was from the girl named Addy.

I read the messages and it turns out that they saw each other after work to 'see the city lights, watch a movie, and play minigolf' on the night he asked me to stay at my parents' house. The messages also indicated that he picked her up from her place. She doesn't know that we're together, maybe, because from her online profiles, she seems very religious and set on her values.

I messaged her. I told her I was my bf's girlfriend and I sent photos of my bf and I together with timestamps on them. I told her that I knew when they went out I asked her not to message my bf until I figure everything out. She never responded, but she removed my bf from her followers a few minutes later.

I'm scared about what could happen, if when he finds out what I did, we may break up. I don't even know if he's cheating. He downplayed it last time by saying 'you can have guy work friends but I can't?' I don't really know what to believe. Please help. I now regret messaging Addy. I am typing all of this at 4 AM. I don't know what will happen when he finds out. 

The boyfriend’s secret outings with Addy, cloaked in excuses and gaslighting, scream betrayal, leaving his girlfriend reeling. His refusal to show messages and insistence on “space” while pursuing Addy paint a classic picture of infidelity. “When a partner hides interactions and deflects with accusations of toxicity, it’s often a tactic to avoid accountability,” says Dr. Shirley Glass, a noted psychologist, in a Psychology Today article.

The OP’s pain is amplified by her boyfriend’s manipulation—downplaying Addy’s role while ignoring their eye contact in public. A 2022 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships notes that secretive behaviors in relationships often signal emotional or physical cheating, with 60% of such cases involving undisclosed meetups. Addy’s unawareness of the relationship and swift removal of him from her followers confirm his deceit.

This scenario underscores a broader issue: the erosion of trust through gaslighting and secrecy. The OP’s decision to message Addy was a bold reclaiming of agency, though her regret reflects the emotional toll. Dr. Glass advises confronting infidelity directly but calmly, documenting evidence like messages for clarity. Couples counseling could help, but only if both commit—otherwise, leaving may be the healthiest path. For the OP, prioritizing self-worth and seeking support from friends or a therapist can pave the way forward.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit crowd erupted with fiery support and no-nonsense advice, serving up a buffet of outrage and empowerment. From calls to ditch the cheater to reflections on trust in relationships, these comments are a spicy blend of wit and wisdom. Buckle up for the ride!

razzledazzle626 − The two of you will break up, as you should.

WinterFront1431 − Honey, he went on a date.. You need to stop being scared of losing this loser and end the relationship.. If she was just a friend, she would have known about you.

[Reddit User] − Well now she knows who he really is she she deleted him, and now you know who he really is so you can delete him too. Pack your stuff.

Complete-Design5395 − Sounds like he took Addy on a date. Just d**p him and move on, don’t message the other woman anymore cause she’s not the issue. Your (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend is. 

vsimmons90 − If Addy deleted him from instagram, it’s safe to assume that Addy thought they were dating. Therefore she likely didn’t even know about you. He was cheating for sure. I’d move out in the middle of the night without a word. He will act like he has no idea why but he will know.

Ok-Interview-6642 − I am going to get the karma beat out of me for this. When are people going to realize that when you are in a relationship, committed dating or married, the only expectation for privacy, should be when you are taking a d**p. I have never checked my wife’s phone. She can check mine anytime she wants. She can ask me any question at any time. I will answer her truthfully.

She can come in the bathroom when I shower, walk in while I pee. Ask me who I am texting, who I am talking to, anything. This is not toxic, it is called, being one, sharing your life. That is the key to a great marriage. Communicating, always telling the truth whether they want to hear it or not. This does cause some disagreements and some pouting, but it is the conerstone to building a solid foundation.

tigergal77 − He’s cheating on you, if he wasn’t he wouldn’t be hiding their meetups and gaslighting you. I’m sure if you had just asked her she would have told you the same thing. Why do you want to stay or figure out anything with a person like this??

unzunzhepp − He was out on a date with Abby. That’s cheating. She thought they were starting a romantic relationship and probably didn’t know about you, otherwise she wouldn’t block him. He’s a manipulative cheater and YOU should break up with him because you are worth much better than him.

[Reddit User] − He's cheating on you or he wouldn't have hidden anything. And the fact that 'Addy' removed him should tell you that he wasn't honest with her about you either. Don't wait. If you own the house or the lease tell him to get his ass out now, it's done. You found out and Addy is pissed he's not as single as he said he was.

If he's the one who owns the house, grab your things that are important and most valuable now, take photos of everything to prove you didn't trash anything, then go to your parents. Send him a text he's a cheating expletive and now single AF and Addy knows he's a cheater so good luck with that.

That you'll be by with your folks later for the rest of the stuff and you took photos so if he thinks he's going to smash anything up and blame you he can just think again. Seriously go on the attack now and don't wait for him to do it first. This is total b**lshit. He's a cheater and you caught him red-handed. And I say this as a guy who is married and my wife and i both go out regularly with work friends.

The first thing we do is tell each other all about the new work friend, introduce them, and be excited we both have another possible friend. IF the work friend is not excited back that we are married then we have one less friend and just a work acquaintance. Boom, done and done.

But what we never do is hide anything or ignore each other in public, because why in the hell would we? Nah, it is every bad as it looks, because it is. He was lining up your replacement, let him find out how cheaters get outed and don't look back. Sorry, it's over.

wytchwomyn74 − Hrs going to break up with you for that and deflect it that toxicity he was accusing you of. If they were just work friends he wouldnt have refused to show you thier innocent messages, asked you to stay elsewhere when he took her on an obvious date. More importantly whatever he says to her, she wouldn't have taken him from her followers after you told her yall were dating with timestamps

But do these Reddit rants hold the key to moving forward, or are they just cathartic cheers? Let’s dig into the mess and see what sticks.

This tale leaves us wincing at the sting of betrayal, as a woman uncovers her boyfriend’s secret date and grapples with the fallout of her bold confrontation. Her courage to face the truth lights a path toward self-respect, but the road ahead is murky. Have you ever caught a partner hiding something big? Share your stories or advice below—let’s unpack the chaos of trust, lies, and the strength to walk away.

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