I [22F] broke up with my [34M] boyfriend (7 months ago) because I found an engagement ring. He came to my work today and PROPOSED. Help. Please

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In a sun-dappled park, a young woman munches on her sandwich, unaware that her lunch break is about to become a scene straight out of a rom-com—complete with a heart-pounding plot twist. Seven months ago, she fled a four-year romance with a man she adored, spooked by a sparkling sapphire ring hidden in his drawer.

Her fear of commitment, rooted in a childhood shadowed by an abusive father, sent her sprinting from love. Now, as she sits on a picnic bench, her ex-boyfriend strolls up, his eyes soft with hope, and pops the question—again. The moment is electric, stirring a cocktail of love, regret, and panic in her chest. She’s still crazy about him, but the ring feels like a ticking time bomb. Her heart races as she grapples with past fears and the pull of a love she never truly left behind.

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‘I [22F] broke up with my [34M] boyfriend (7 months ago) because I found an engagement ring. He came to my work today and PROPOSED. Help. Please’

This is a very confusing story and I know a lot of people will criticise me for what I did - but please try to hear me out. I really need advice. So, me and my ex boyfriend were together for 4 years, and we had a very fun, awesome relationship, about 7 months ago we broke up because I found an engagement ring in his bedside drawer with it’s receipt

Documents etc and also a piece of paper with different speeches and ways he was planning to ask me to marry him. Long story short - I got scared, and I left him. I essentially broke his heart because I was scared and I feel awful for it, and it hurts because I still love him and I can’t believe I hurt him over my own insecurities,

And to be honest the last 7 months or so have been awful without him, and I’ve been all over the place, dating guys I didn’t like but got with just to feel better about the break up. The break up that was totally my fault. I have no excuses as to why I did what I did nor am I trying to make any

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My reasonings at the time were I had a big work trip coming up in a different country (which I ended up finishing early because I hated it), and that I’m terrified of commitment due to coming from a broken family with an abusive father and I’m scared of ending up like my mom.

And the thing is I know those two things aren’t a valid reason and I know they’re completely irrational, but at the time I panicked. I didn’t even tell him I found the ring, I just made up a b**lshit fake reason.

Since I returned from my work trip, I’ve met with him quite a lot. We’ve had coffee, talked, gone to parties together and we still hang out together with our same friendship group. And every bit of time I spend with him I regret my decision more and more.

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All of this back story brings me to today, he messaged me and asked me if he could meet me on my lunch break so I said yeah sure. So I took my lunch with me and went at sat on a picnic bench which I always do on my lunch in the summer and text him saying where I was, and he turns up and sit downs next to me and we just talk.

He tells me he misses me, that he still loves me and that he wants me back, I told him I feel the same but it’s complicated, then he pulled a ring box out and opened it and asked me to marry him, the same ring I saw in his drawer and as soon I saw it I felt the same panic in the pit of my stomach that I felt when I first laid eyes on it.

I told him the truth of why I left, because I was scared of what would happen. But that I do love him and that I never stopped loving him, and I hate that we’re not together but I’m terrified at the thought of commitment in case I end up like my parents.

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He told me he’s happy that’s the reason I left because he knows now that I didn’t leave because I didn’t love him anymore, and that we can work through it if I’m willing to. We ended up kissing for the first time since the day we broke up, and honestly, it was amazing and I can’t stop thinking about it.

He gave me the ring box, told me to think about it and then left. So, now I’m sat at home looking at the gorgeous sapphire ring he picked out, and thinking what the hell is wrong with me? What should I do? How do I go about this? How do I get over my fear of commitment and end up with the only man I’ve ever loved?.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

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Love can feel like a leap off a cliff, especially when past traumas whisper warnings in your ear. This young woman’s story highlights a classic tug-of-war between heart and fear, complicated by a significant age gap and a surprise proposal. Her panic at the sight of an engagement ring reflects deep-seated anxieties, but her ex’s persistence suggests a bond worth examining.

Her fear of commitment, tied to an abusive father and a broken family, is not uncommon. According to a 2023 study by the American Psychological Association, childhood trauma can shape adult relationships, often fostering avoidance of long-term commitments. Her reaction—bolting without explanation—was less about her boyfriend and more about self-preservation. Meanwhile, his decision to propose without prior discussion raises concerns about sensitivity to her needs, especially given their 12-year age difference.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “The success of a relationship depends on how well partners navigate conflict and repair ruptures”. Applied here, the ex’s willingness to listen after her confession is promising, but his bold proposal might signal a rush to lock in commitment rather than rebuild trust. The age gap, starting when she was 18 and he was 30, adds another layer. While not inherently problematic, such disparities can create power imbalances, especially early in adulthood when life experience differs vastly.

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The broader issue is how trauma and societal pressures shape relationship decisions. Many young adults grapple with commitment fears, particularly when marriage feels like a potential trap rather than a partnership. Therapy could help her unpack her childhood wounds and clarify her desires. Couples counseling might also bridge their communication gap, ensuring both feel heard. For now, she should take it slow—date again, return the ring, and set boundaries.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s armchair therapists and love gurus didn’t hold back, dishing out advice with a side of sass and skepticism. Opinions varied widely, from urging therapy to address her childhood trauma to questioning the age gap and the ex’s motives.

Some saw the surprise proposal as romantic, others as a red flag for ignoring her readiness. Many suggested a slower pace, like dating again or a long engagement, to rebuild trust without rushing into marriage.

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[Reddit User] − I think you should go to therapy and work through the trauma of your parents relationship. Healing is possible at any point in time, but actually confronting it, processing it, and healing is the only way to move forward and not have unresolved issues.

vindico_silenti − So this guy started dating you when he was 30 and you were 18? That's a bit strange.

pickelrick_ − Big mental gap for 22-34 years Think what does a 30 year old get from a 18 year old.. these were the ages when you met.. Maybe it's as simple as you realised it didn't feel right .. Marriage is a big commitment at 22. You don't even need another reason than it's not where u are at in a relationship right now. Its ok.

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My husband is 9 years older I met him at 26. So I don't say it lightly but I know if I had met my husband at 22 would not be in the same place in life.. You can still love him and just stay boyfriend girlfriend You don't have to get married, maybe you need to reflect on things you want to achieve and how he fits into it or he doesnt

rainbowLena − I think if he proposed to you when you guys weren’t even dating again and you have never discussed marriage and said you were ready that is a red flag. I am strongly of the opinion that no one should be fully surprised that a proposal is coming because you should have discussed future plans, not throw it on someone.

I would tell him you’re not certain about marriage yet and you’d rather date again for awhile and see how it goes. You can also get therapy during that time (solo) and work through your issues and what you want.

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There should be no reason that you have to decide between marriage or nothing, but if that’s what it comes down to from him than I think that is a sign he isn’t really supportive or concerned with what you want.

shyfidelity − I don’t think you should rush into marriage even ignoring that if the ages you have are correct he was a 30-year-old dude dating an eighteen year old. (...) It’s nice that he understands you have doubts and fears about commitment.

Long engagements are great. Why not go to therapy about some of the fears you have that are related to your family life growing up? There’s no rush to get married when your prefrontal cortex isn’t even fully developed.

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HiddenTurtles − Here's the thing.... when it comes to marriage if the answer isn't a 'Hell yes!!!' then it is a 'No.' You may have trauma over your parent's relationship, but a lot of people grow up with broken homes and crappy parents and don't run from love.

Your gut is telling you this isn't what you want. Listen to that. Cut off all contact and start therapy. Work on yourself, love yourself. You will find love again. And in a few years you and this guy met up again, great. But you may not.

thisisnotme15 − I'm not going to criticize you for what you did. I'm sure you are your own worst critic in that regard.. My recommendation: If you love him a lot and he loves you, and a sober reflection on your 4 year relationship leaves you happy and without big concerns, then I think you should start DATING again officially.

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I think you should give the ring back to him and tell him you need to take things slow - that this is not a 'no' but instead a 'not yet'. Explain that you need to work on the relationship to get to a place where you are comfortable accepting his proposal and you'll let him know when that is.

You should also have some more long conversations with him about your fears and why you feel the way you do. I think it also might be a good idea to have a lengthy engagement after you are ready to accept his proposal. You are very young so it wouldn't be a bad thing to really take it slow.. I'm glad you found someone you really love. Best of luck! :)

xApplebees − you started dating when you were 18 and he was 30? ummm... sure sis do whatever you want i guess but also yikes

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[Reddit User] − idk why y'all can't just have a long engagement. aint like the day is set in stone jus cuz homie proposed. He gets the commitment that you want to spend the rest of ya life w/ him, you get the time to process n come to terms w/ ya childhood trauma. win/win imo

Read-more-books − The outside perspective looks like it is helping - a professional's & another second opinion on the red flags might be good - not because you need a professional to bless your decisions about your own life but because it might help reassure you that you are making the right decision despite your emotions telling you otherwise at times.

The 18 - 30 age difference is big. There are two strong reasons to decline marriage - both of which need time to sort: power and your own experience. The power differential that a dozen adult years may give over a 22yr old is notable - and might include owning property and a vehicle. At 28yrs and 40yrs you could enter marriage on somewhat more equal terms (having notable savings, established career etc).

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Your own experience. Seen the results of an even bigger age gap up close (an older male & teenager) and part of the harm from a relationship starting so young - even without the power differential - is not getting to experience a few functioning adult romantic relationships for comparison before making a decision.

Both: a notable power differential and a lack of experience for comparative purposes can exist & are detrimental independent of the other person's intentions - declining can be seen as the necessary choice - even if the other person has the best of intentions.

Looks like you survived a really tough childhood - several of Lundy Bancroft's books (re: domestic violence - including impact on children) can be borrowed as ebooks from the Internet Archive (accounts & borrowing are free) 

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those, therapy and more and a variety of relationship experiences might all help you identify, envisage, articulate and negotiate the kind of relationship you need - to be safe in and to feel safe from repeating your childhood.. ​

For now my advice would be decline - emphasizing it is about the right choice for you at this age, especially with your background, and even with the very best of intentions there is nothing they can do which changes the situation.

This whirlwind of a story leaves us rooting for love but wary of rushing in. Our heroine faces a crossroads: dive back into a romance that lights her up or take time to heal scars that still sting. Her ex’s grand gesture is swoon-worthy, but timing and trust matter as much as passion. Share your thoughts, experiences, or sage advice below—let’s keep this conversation going!

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