How My MIL Used My Future BIL to Sabotage Our Engagement?

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Picture this: a dreamy international trip with your soon-to-be fiancé, scenic backdrops, unforgettable moments—and your future mother-in-law lurking in the background like a villain in a rom-com gone wrong. That’s exactly what happened to one Redditor, who thought she was heading out on an epic backpacking journey with her partner and his brother, only to get blindsided by family drama of the most toxic variety.

What should’ve been a once-in-a-lifetime engagement almost got derailed by MIL’s behind-the-scenes manipulation. And the worst part? She used her other son—our OP’s future brother-in-law—as her messenger of misery. Buckle up, folks. This isn’t your average family squabble.

How My MIL Used My Future BIL to Sabotage Our Engagement?
Original post shared on r/JUSTNOMIL

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‘My MIL sabotaged my engagement proposal via my future BIL?’

Just need to vent. I recently took an international trip with my SO and his brother. A fun backpacking trip we had planned a few months ago. The trip was a big deal for all 3 of us. I have known BIL for 2 years, thought we were friends and have never had any issues. A week before the trip MIL invites herself and tries to buy a plane ticket after SO tells her no.

I lay down the law and tell her no myself. She’s been rude and passive aggressive to me in the past—we are not close. I didn’t know it at the time but BIL brings the engagement ring with him on the trip and has knowledge of the engagement the entire time.

On day 3 of our trip SO and I go to dinner alone—our first time in 3 days that we have alone time because we’ve all been in tight quarters and spending time as a group. BIL sends me a novel text message while we are at dinner and says that MIL has hated me the entire time I’ve been with SO.

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He says I’m trying to isolate SO from family because I work abroad, states I’ve destroyed SO’s relationship with his mother, and that I’m overly affectionate and too possessive and he tells my SO that if he wants to have a family things need to change. He is even upset and mentioned that one morning on the trip I said “what are you doing?”

When I asked him what he was up to one morning making conversation. Apparently that pissed him off for some reason. We were completely blindsided by the message and SO thought it was absolutely insane. I spent time with his brother alone on the trip even—I took him to sightsee while SO was working on his laptop and I even bought him lunches and drinks out of kindness.

SO had a long talk with him and he apologized to me and showered me with gifts. I feel so uncomfortable around him. My SO proposed a few days later at a special location as he had this planned for months and didn’t know when we would ever be back to the location again. I confronted his mother and she said BIL was a liar.

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I have no doubt in my mind she was manipulating BIL and putting him up to it. I’ve never done anything to those people, I work hard, have my life together and I treat SO very well. How do I move forward with his family? Do o just grey rock and ignore? His brother is still on the trip reporting back to MIL and even after the apology I still find myself getting angry with his mother and brother.

UPDATE: MIL called last night to tell SO to never speak to her again and that he’s being removed from the will—because he called his father when he announced the engagement to the both of them instead of calling her number.

Original post by u/GlitteringNumber227

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Quick Story Summary

OP and her partner planned a meaningful international backpacking trip with his brother. Everything was smooth—until MIL tried to invite herself. After being told no (twice), she fumed from a distance. Meanwhile, BIL, who had brought the engagement ring along for the ride, dropped a bombshell mid-trip: a lengthy text accusing OP of isolating her SO from his family, being possessive, and even saying her small talk was offensive.

All this came out during OP and SO’s first alone dinner. The proposal still went ahead a few days later, but the vibes were permanently altered. MIL? She denied everything and later disowned her son after he proposed.

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Understanding the MIL Conflict

At the heart of this saga is a classic case of MIL control. When she couldn’t physically insert herself into the trip, she used her other son as a mouthpiece to sow doubt and chaos. Her motives? Control, jealousy, and fear of losing her son’s loyalty. It’s textbook toxic MIL behavior: manipulating relatives, undermining partners, and throwing emotional grenades to maintain dominance.

This situation smacks of “emotional enmeshment,” where boundaries between parent and child are blurred—a concept explored in this Psychology Today article. MIL wasn’t just reacting—she was orchestrating.

Solutions for Handling MIL:

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  1.  Set clear, firm boundaries about contact and involvement.
  2. Encourage your partner to take the lead on family dynamics.
  3. Limit information sharing (hello, grey rocking).
  4. Seek couples therapy to unify your strategy.

Humor in the MIL Drama: Honestly, the fact that MIL went full puppet-master mode from another country is next-level dramatic. Reddit’s “MaeQueenofFae” said it best: MIL and BIL were testing OP “in the Boundary Waters,” hoping she’d crack under pressure. Instead, they accidentally handed her the ultimate pre-marriage stress test—and she passed. Now that’s one for the honeymoon toast.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit users dove headfirst into this MIL mayhem with wisdom, wit, and a whole lot of side-eyes.

SectorFlat1218 − You've got the proposal out of the way. Now set boundaries. Limit interactions with his family, and don't engage with their drama. Your SO's got your back, so focus on your relationship. Grey rocking works, but also be prepared to cut ties if needed.

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Spare_Tutor_8057 − Firstly look into enmeshment and parentification. It is not normal for a mother to try and high jack her son’s holidays. It’s also not normal for her to use her son (BIL) as her soundboard either.

I know you love SO but I would put the wedding off ( and for the love of god children) for a few years at least, just so you can confidently see how marrying into this will work out. It does sound like SO will have to cut out his family for this to work with you or at least have his family feign niceness, which gets very tiring.

MaeQueenofFae − My Dear OP, you have just experienced advanced tag-team limit testing by your future in-laws. MIL and flying monkey BIL figured that they needed to jump into the Boundary Waters before your SO had a chance to propose, because they NEEDED to see how their particular stream of venom would be handled.

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Best case scenario, for them that is, you would have gone wailing into the night while SO twiddled his thumbs in despair, muttering “What to do?? What to DO??” That n**ty little scene thankfully did not go as planned, and the two of you survived the onslaught.

Now would be the perfect occasion for you both to settle down and discuss, calmly, openly and above all with absolute honesty how you plan on moving forward as a couple. Under no circumstance can this be ‘swept under the rug’ and ignored as a one off, as there isn’t a rug large enough in all of Christendom large enough to cover this reeking pile.

SO will have to understand that there can be no prevarication when it comes to Dear Old Mum, and how she deals with you. She is toxic and her intent is to be toxic, irregardless of how sweet she may present. The same can be said for BIL. Give him a wide berth at all times, and allow him to pay for his own dinner, at another table preferably.

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My dear, I am so very sorry that such a lovely proposal was marred, even a bit, by these horrid people. I hope that the two of you are able to create a strong enough bond to weather the future, and keep his family firmly on a back burner.

rosestrawberryboba − why did your fiance bring his brother on this trip?😭

The_lunar_witch − If I were your SO, I would sit my brother and mother down, show the texts, and ask who’s lying. BIL claims MIL said a bunch of s**t, MIL claims BIL is lying, so let’s get to the bottom of it while they’re all in the same room (excluding you, you’ve dealt with enough of that nonsense). Let MIL and BIL deal with each other. Does she love BIL more than she hates you?

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If she does, she’ll come clean and admit that she said it. Or is she going to throw him under the bus by claiming she has no idea why he said those things, and why is he such a lying liar? It’s not like what he said could be misconstrued, he said it plain as day. She’s going to blow up her relationships with both of her sons, and she’ll have nobody to blame but herself.

Top_Sweet_6742 − Grey rocking might be your best bet. Don't engage with their drama. You've got the ring, and that's all that matters. Keep interactions with them superficial and minimal. Your SO's on your side, so focus on building your life together.

Bacon_Bitz − Your FH needs to tell BIL he's on this own the rest of the trip. It doesn't matter if MIL pushed him, he chose to send the text. He chose to do it in the middle of a vacation all 3 of you are trapped in. He chose to ruin his own trip. That is completely unacceptable.

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Vegetable-Cod-2340 − Op you start with couples counseling for you and your SO and you be honest about everything MIL has done. Then the three of you work through it. Your mil sees you as the enemy and will be working to get rid of your of so you and so discus hope to combat her attempts , boundaries , communication rules etc. Take the time to discuss everything kids, money , religion, elder care, relocation, going no contact.

kimber512_ − Frankly, as an older women with a wealth of life experience, there is no way i would ever (again) marry into a family like that. The SO you have could never be good enough to overcome the absolute hell of having in-laws like that.

DazzlingPotion − Your SO needs to take care of this swiftly and sternly. Watch carefully to see what happens because this is the life you are signing up for. IMO MIL and BIL need to be put in a VERY LONG TIME OUT with your SO after he gives them a stern talking to.

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Because he is marrying YOU and he needs to make sure they know that you are always going to come first. Last, I suggest you stay VVLC with MIL and BIL for the future and YES grey rock and information diet from here on out. Congratulations on your engagement.

Reddit’s verdict? MIL is a manipulative stormcloud, BIL needs to pay for his own meals, and OP should invest in solid emotional boundaries. Are they spot-on, or is there more to this family feud?

Lessons Learned

  1. Boundaries are key to managing toxic MILs.

  2. Protect your peace, even in the face of family drama.

  3. Emotional manipulation doesn’t deserve your energy—choose your battles wisely.

This MIL didn’t need a passport to stir up chaos—she weaponized family ties from afar and nearly derailed a beautiful moment. Thankfully, love held strong. But if this is the prelude to marriage, OP and her SO will need a united front going forward. Have you ever had a family member try to hijack your happy moment? Let us know your MIL war stories in the comments below!

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