How do I (30M) tell my best friend (31M) that I’m going on a trip with his friends and he’s not invited? How do I attempt to address the reason why?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The scent of pine and the crackle of a campfire beckon, but for one man, a dream camping trip comes with a heavy dose of guilt. At 30, he’s caught in a tangled web of loyalty, facing the tough task of telling his best friend he’s not welcome on a Memorial Day adventure with their mutual pals. Picture him, pacing his apartment, heart sinking as he rehearses words that might sting less but still carry the weight of truth.

This isn’t just about a weekend getaway; it’s a story of friendship tested by addiction. His best friend’s drinking has burned bridges, leaving him on the outside of a tight-knit group. As the man grapples with how to break the news without breaking their bond, he’s torn between honesty and compassion, knowing the real issue—alcoholism—can’t be ignored.

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‘How do I (30M) tell my best friend (31M) that I’m going on a trip with his friends and he’s not invited? How do I attempt to address the reason why?’

So I’m in an awkward position, my best friend has admittedly a drinking problem. He’s aware of it and so is everyone else in our orbit. Unfortunately, he’s made no moves to fix it and that has caused a few problems that I wasn’t even aware of until this past holiday season.

Over time, I’ve become friends with his friends and I can tell he isn’t thrilled that we get along so well. It’s only natural to feel that way. His friends and I are outdoorsy and so it was natural that we vibed. With Memorial Day coming up, they invited me to go camping and specifically told me not to invite my best friend.

They have already spoken to him about his drinking last Christmas when he got kicked out of their holiday party. I’m conflicted because I’m going regardless of how he feels about it. The diplomat in me wants to soften the blow so he doesn’t feel like I’m replacing him in their group.

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That’s not the case, we’ve established our own relationship over the years. How can I address that the reason he’s not going is because he can’t control his drinking and they don’t want to deal with the drama like last time they went on a trip with him? I love him and would very much like him to be there, but it’s not my trip and I cant extend an invitation.

Friendship can fray when addiction enters the picture, and this man’s dilemma shows how delicate that balance is. His best friend’s drinking, unaddressed despite warnings, has pushed their mutual friends to draw a hard line, excluding him from the camping trip after past disruptions.

The man’s instinct to soften the blow reflects care, but shielding his friend from consequences might delay the wake-up call he needs. The group’s frustration is valid—nobody wants a repeat of a ruined holiday party.

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Dr. William R. Miller, a pioneer in addiction psychology, notes, “Consequences are often the catalyst for change in addictive behaviors” . Studies show 1 in 10 adults struggle with alcohol use disorder, often straining relationships.

The friend’s exclusion is a natural outcome of his choices, not a personal attack. Honesty, delivered kindly, could push him toward help. The man might say he’s going but can’t invite him due to the group’s concerns about drinking, then offer to plan a sober outing together later. This balances loyalty with accountability.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit’s take is a blend of tough love and practical advice. The community largely agrees that the friend’s drinking is the core issue, and hiding the trip’s exclusion could enable his behavior.

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Many urge the man to be upfront, noting that real consequences—like missing out—might jolt his friend into addressing his alcoholism. Others suggest offering support, like a separate sober trip, but stress that the group’s boundaries are fair. Their collective voice champions honesty, hoping it sparks change.

AmberrFemme − Handle it gently but truthfully, real friends call out harmful behavior, even when it’s uncomfortable.

No-Professional3800 − I get that he’s your best friend but why are you taking the responsibility of telling him he’s not invited even though it’s your not trip? They are as much friends with him as you are and could reference to his drinking problem just as much to being the reason why he’s not going.

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wigglebutt1721 − Recovering addict/a**oholic here. I know you said in another comment that it would feel bad to realize that all your friends went away without you, and you don't want your friend to feel like that. But here's the thing: he NEEDS to feel that. He won't hit rock bottom and stop drinking for real until drinking feels worse than not drinking.

He won't stop until he faces some kind of real consequence. If you try to tell him ahead of time, that gives him (his addiction) a place to turn you and the other guys into a bunch of big meanies who just want to cramp his style and won't even give him a chance. I don't know you guys, but i struggle to imagine any scenario where that conversation ends well.

If you just quietly take a trip without mentioning it, maybe he'll find out and realize 'Oh dang, they're really not gonna deal with my b**lshit anymore.' Maybe he won't. But managing his feelings about it is truly none of your business.

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Hot-Dress-3369 − so he doesn’t feel like I’m replacing him in their group. You did replace him in their group, and now the group is dropping him because he’s an a**oholic. That’s not necessarily the wrong call, but don’t pretend that isn’t what’s happening.

Zealousideal-Clue-84 − If he’s really your friend and he’s important to you, you should come clean and tell him that they invited you but they aren’t comfortable with him going because of how his excessive drinking and subsequent behaviour affects them. Then offer him support.

Ask him how he feels about it and if he would be open to spending a sober weekend camping with you instead. I know you want to have fun with your new friends, but you could change his life if you can show him that you care. Sometimes all we need is to know that we are loved.

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_ohgnome_ − Was married to an addict. What you're doing (and what I did for years) is actually controlling. Enabling is too soft of a term in my opinion, though I recognize there is a distinction. Addictions are used to avoid suffering. Suffering is a necessary part of life.

We need to feel pain, process what it's trying to tell us, then come out on the other side. We grow in wisdom and learn in time that suffering has an end. What we're dealing with is hard but it will not kill us. The sun will come up tomorrow.

Addicts don't have that kind of reassurance because they've avoided the process for years. That's why any kind of discomfort can set them off. It's like parents who pick their babies up out of the crib every single time they cry. We all need to know how to self-soothe when it's appropriate.

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His friends already sat him down and said listen, we are done dealing with your a**oholism. That's it. There's no more discussion to be had. If you go in there and try and soften the blow you'll reset the process all over again.

There is no combination of words you can use to control his response. And honestly his friends may uninvite you or at least be hesitant to invite you in the future if you whack this hornet's nest. Whenever you do have the conversation, whether it's before or after, it's best to keep it short and matter of fact.

Also do not say his friends are the ones who aren't inviting or didn't invite them. Be a united front. All of you are going or went on a trip without him because his drinking is out of hand. If he tries to argue do not engage. It's simple.

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You love him and his choice is to either stop drinking and get invited to things or don't and be left out. And by 'stop drinking' I mean you've seen noticable signs that he has learned other, healthy ways of dealing with his pain over a sustained period of time. People can become dry alcoholics - it's the mindset you want to see a difference in..

Edit: grammar ETA I saw in a comment that you had your come to Jesus moment with him already. Even more reason why you shouldn't play the game. By bringing this to him beforehand you're suggesting he has the right to be upset when he doesn't. That'll only confirm to him he's a victim of a cruel world instead of a man choosing destruction.

akiraspam74 − I mean, if you are really his friends, you ALL need to have a talk and be honest about it. Beating around the bush and trying to protect his feelings isn't gonna solve anything

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brittxxoxxox − Tough spot, but honesty with compassion’s key, he needs to hear why to ever change.

JustAsICanBeSoCruel − You tell him the truth.. He burned his friends. The others don't want his drinking to ruin another gathering, and until he shows he isn't drinking for a while, he's not likely to be invited to more gatherings.

MOGicantbewitty − The last couple lines of your post are perfect. Tell him that you were invited on this camping trip by the group of friends, and that while you'd love to have him there, you can't invite someone as a guest. Tell him that you love him, but he knows his drinking is a problem.

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And that is why the group of friends didn't invite him themselves. Let him know that you wanted to up front about the trip because you wanted to treat him with the honesty and respect that he deserves. You hope he will be able to get sober soon so he will be invited to future trips.

But until then, you hope he can understand why you will still be going and enjoying your own life. Hopefully he'll understand that since your behavior isn't the problem, you really shouldn't have to curtail your life.

This man’s story is a raw look at how addiction can ripple through friendships, forcing tough choices. His friend’s drinking has cost him a spot on the trip, and while the truth may hurt, it’s a chance for growth.

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By choosing honesty over avoidance, the man might not only save their bond but also nudge his friend toward help. Have you ever had to confront a loved one about a harmful habit? Share your story—what worked, and what didn’t?

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One Comment

  1. How about dont tell him there is a trip at all. Or dont say you were invited and if/when he finds out later, you all need to be blunt and honest – “we did not invite you because of your drinking. If you sober up you will be invited to things” do not coddle the alcoholic, you will just be enabling their victim mentality.

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