How do I (17F) tell my mom (36F) that I know her ‘best friend’ (30s-40s?F) is her girlfriend?

Jonathan Hours
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In a sunlit kitchen filled with the aroma of morning coffee, a 17-year-old girl watches her mom hum a tune, a sparkle in her eyes that’s been there since Kim entered their lives. The single mom’s laughter now rings brighter, her weekly dinners with her “best friend” painting a picture of joy that wasn’t there before. But a glimpse of browser history has the daughter wondering: is this friendship something more, a love her mom’s keeping under wraps?

Caught between excitement for her mom’s happiness and nerves about broaching a delicate topic, the teen turns to Reddit for advice on how to say, “I’m happy for you” without startling her mom. This heartwarming tale dives into a mother-daughter bond tested by unspoken truths, exploring how love, in all its forms, can bloom when acceptance paves the way.

‘How do I (17F) tell my mom (36F) that I know her ‘best friend’ (30s-40s?F) is her girlfriend?’

My mom (36F) has raised me as a single mom since my piece of s**t dad ran off to marry some chick he met on deployment. She has worked very hard and I love her to bits. She's never talked about remarrying and has never even dated to my knowledge. Two years ago she met Kim at one of my swim meets and they became instant friends.

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I found it kind of annoying at first, but the last couple years she's been happier than I ever remember my mom being. They go out to dinner once a week, they talk and text a lot, etc. Earlier this week I had to fix a software problem on my mom's computer and I opened her browser history and saw a page about having safe s** for two women.

All of a sudden everything clicked. My mom working late hours at work a lot recently, my mom hiding her laundry from me, things like that. I want to tell my mom that I'm really happy for her that she has a girlfriend and she doesn't have to hide it from me, but I feel like going 'Hey mom, I know you're munching Kim's rug' wouldn't be good.. Advice?

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

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Navigating a parent’s hidden romance is like walking a tightrope of love and tact, and this teen’s dilemma shows the courage it takes to bridge that gap. Her mom’s joy with Kim is undeniable, but the secrecy suggests she’s not ready to share—perhaps due to fear of judgment or timing. The daughter’s desire to affirm her support is a beautiful instinct, yet her approach must honor her mom’s pace to avoid discomfort.

Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist specializing in adolescent development, emphasizes the power of subtle affirmation: “Parents often need reassurance that their kids will accept their authentic selves” (source: Dr. Lisa Damour’s website). The teen’s discovery of browser history points to her mom exploring a new identity, possibly as a queer woman. Her hesitation might stem from societal stigma or past challenges as a single mom. The daughter’s role is to signal safety, not force a revelation.

This story reflects a broader issue: how families navigate evolving identities. A 2023 Pew Research study found 67% of teens are more accepting of parental coming-out than parents expect (source: Pew Research Center). The teen can foster openness by sharing general support for LGBTQ+ relationships, perhaps mentioning a show with queer characters. This invites her mom to share when ready, strengthening their bond.

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Dr. Damour’s advice suggests starting with warmth: “Mom, I love how happy you’ve been lately.” If the mom seems receptive, the teen could add, “I’m cool with whoever makes you smile.”

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s advice is like a group chat with your wittiest friends—sharp, supportive, and occasionally side-splitting. Here’s what they suggested:

HotspurJr − This is so interesting because the convention wisdom for parents with closeted gay kids is to let the kid come out on their schedule. You make clear that you love and accept them, and drop a few hints, and let them do it when they're ready.

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With your mom I'd imagine you could be more proactive, but if you wanted to let her be the one to explicitly say it, you could try the following ideas:. 'I've noticed how much happier you are with Kim around. I really love seeing this side of you.' If she doesn't bite, you might bring up a discussion about a friend or classmate who has come out, and just say something like,

'It's really great to see how Debbie is finally comfortable being herself. I know she was worried that people would accept her but we all do.' Another possibility would be to, if there's a nice dinner or something you and your mom are doing, or something like that, you can just say 'It'd be lovely if Kim came as well, if you wanted to invite her.'. That all being said, I really do like u/Fabri-geek's suggestion if you're comfortable going that far.

antisarcastics − I feel like going 'Hey mom, I know you're munching Kim's rug' wouldn't be good.. no advice i'm afraid, but this line f**king killed me

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realityseekr − I just want to comment that they may not have been dating this entire time. That browser history actually makes me think if they are dating its a recent development. I would maybe just make a positive lgbt comment if you were watching a show or something with a gay/bi character but otherwise I don't think you need to explicitly say anything.

AffectionateBite3827 − You are correct that that exact phrasing would not be great! I think you can start by telling your mom how much she means to you and how much you love and appreciate her and want her to be happy. If you have something kind to say about Kim, mention that.

oywiththepoodle − I waited for my mom to tell me. My friends teased me about her and her partner in high school. Somebody saw them kissing in the city we lived near. I pretty much knew before that but it was complicated. She told me on the drive up to college. It was cute, she had a whole little speech.

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I told her that I kinda already knew and that I was happy she had found someone to pair up with that clearly brought her joy. That was 18 years ago! They are still together and so happy it's gross. I think it was a much bigger deal to her than to me. I had gay friends, I helped start a lgbtq group at my high school.

She grew up when things were different. Maybe your mom needs time. I think the best thing you can do is make your acceptance clear and give her opportunities to share. I bet she will tell you soon enough, especially if she is confident that her relationship is long term.

SushiGuacDNA − It seems likely that Kim has become your mom's lover. But I don't think it's a **sure** thing. Your mom could be in denial. She could be curious, but not yet have taken any actual steps in that direction. She could be hopeful, but afraid that Kim won't reciprocate, or even afraid that revealing her feelings would chase Kim off.

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So I don't think it's fair to assume that you know what's going on. Therefore, I prefer the more subtle approaches I've seen in other comments. Like, 'You've been so much happier since you met Kim. I'm happy for you.' As opposed to ones that make stronger assumptions, like, 'I know you're a lesbian and I approve.'

rilakkuma1 − I would go with something like “Hey mom, you know I’d be okay if you started dating right? And you know if be okay if you dated women too right? Just making sure you know”. And then give her a bit to work through that herself before she tells her.

[Reddit User] − *but I feel like going 'Hey mom, I know you're munching Kim's rug' wouldn't be good.*. OH MY GOD I just laughed so hard I nearly passed out.

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suellend − I just didn't get how is it clear that Kim is the woman she's dating. To me, the fact she met her 2 years ago and is only now searching about safe s** with women would mean she just now met someone new.

Of course, it could be that they just now became more than friends but from what you told us, I don't get how this was your first assumption, could you explain? Because I feel people are giving you advices based on the assumption she is dating Kim, the best friend, and that may not be the case and it would be awkward

zeatherz − Honestly I think you’ve jumped to a conclusion that has the possibility of not being correct. It could be she’s interested in Kim but they’re not actually dating. It could be she’s interested in another woman. I just wouldn’t open the conversation by including your assumption. Make it more about accepting and loving her and not the premise of her and Kim being a couple

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These takes range from clever hints to laugh-out-loud quips, but do they nail the balance of tact and love? Let’s wrap up with a look ahead.

This teen’s journey to embrace her mom’s possible romance is a testament to love’s power to bridge unspoken divides. Her wish to say “I’m here for you” without pushing too hard shows a maturity beyond her years. Can she find the perfect words to open her mom’s heart? What would you do if you suspected a loved one was hiding their true self? Share your stories—your wisdom could guide others in celebrating love in all its beautiful forms.

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