Girlfriend (24f) accused me (25m) of leading her on when I said I don’t want to get married?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Three years ago, a 25-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend kicked off their romance with a candid chat about the future—no kids, no wedding, just love on their terms. Fast-forward to a casual conversation about a friend’s engagement, and the mood shifts.

She hints at expecting a ring, stunned when he holds firm to his anti-marriage stance. Her accusation of leading her on leaves him reeling, as shared on Reddit, pulling us into a tangled tale of mismatched dreams and unspoken hopes.

‘Girlfriend (24f) accused me (25m) of leading her on when I said I don’t want to get married?’

When my girlfriend and I first got together we had a discussion about how we see things further down the line to make sure we were on the same page about children, marriage etc. Neither of us wanted children and she asked me about my views on marriage. I was honest and told her I didn't really want to get married.

I didn't see the point of it and through weddings were a waste of money. I reiterated that this meant that we wouldn't be getting married in the future. She said she agreed with me and we left the conversation there. We've now been together for over 3 years and she recently mentioned one of her best friends is engaged.

She then asked how long before I start looking for a ring. I asked what she meant since she knew m views on marriage. She said since we've been together a few years she thought I'd have started thinking about proposing. I asked why she thought that when I made my feelings about marriage perfectly clear and she even said she agreed.

She just said it's what people do when they've been together for a while but I just repeated that I have no intention of getting married. She said I've been leading her on then but I pointed out I've been honest from the start and she's the one who chose to just ignore what I'd told her.

She just repeated that I've clearly been leading her on and that I'm obviously not serious about her or the relationship. How would you handle this? tl;dr I was upfront from the start with my girlfriend about not wanting to get married and she agreed with me.

Now we've been together over 3 years she assumed I would change my mind and accused me of leading her on when I still had the same views. How would you handle this?

Love thrives on alignment, but this couple’s story reveals how unspoken assumptions can fracture trust. The man’s clear stance against marriage, agreed upon early, set a foundation his girlfriend later ignored, expecting him to shift with time. Her accusation of being led on suggests she may have hoped to change his mind, a common misstep in relationships.

Differing views on marriage often signal deeper incompatibilities. A 2022 study in Journal of Marriage and Family found that 40% of couples with mismatched marital goals face significant conflict within five years. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Unresolved differences in core values can erode even the strongest bonds if not addressed openly”. Her shift in expectations reflects this challenge.

The girlfriend’s change of heart isn’t unusual—people evolve, especially in their 20s. However, her failure to communicate this shift and her blame toward him highlight a breakdown in honest dialogue. His consistency, while honest, may have overlooked opportunities to revisit their agreement as their relationship deepened.

A candid conversation is essential, exploring whether her desire for marriage is a dealbreaker or negotiable. Couples therapy could help them navigate this rift, clarifying values and goals. If their paths diverge irreconcilably, parting ways may prevent future resentment. Openness and mutual respect are key to finding clarity.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit community sided with the man, affirming his transparency about not wanting marriage. Most viewed the girlfriend’s accusations as unfair, suggesting she either misrepresented her initial agreement or banked on changing his mind.

Commenters highlighted the incompatibility of their goals, with many urging a breakup to avoid future resentment. The consensus emphasized that evolving views are natural but blaming him for her unspoken expectations was misplaced, encouraging both to seek partners aligned with their values.

RandoBoomer − I'd start preparing for the breakup. She is not wrong in wanting to get married. You are not wrong in not wanting to get married. This is an irreconcilable incompatibility.

While peoples' views change over time, her putting the blame on you implies that she may have been dishonest in her view of marriage and expected that she could get you to change your mind.

DivinitySousVide − I think you need to let her go and move on. She's clearly looking for something different now, and while she might have thought she didn't want a permanent commitment like marriage, she's obviously changed her mind.

Ofwa − People change. She did. You did not. Good-bye.

creole_bae − The thing is ppl change their minds. So at 21 going into a relationship saying you are ok within no marriage is cool. Ppl get older and change their views on things & some don’t. It’s just time to part ways bc you want different things

MatataKakiba − This seems to be a recurring issue people post about here. A few days ago I read a story about a female OP who was very transparent about not wanting children from day one, and her boyfriend agreed - then a few years down the line was absolutely furious when he learned his girlfriend not just didn't want to, but was unable to have kids.

Your girlfriend is the same, she pretended to agree with you, and intended to pressure you into changing your mind later. If anyone wasted their partner's time, it was her. About what you should do:

She clearly wants marriage, maybe even kids (she might have lied or changed her mind about that too). You need to have an honest conversation with her about each of your plans. If you find them to be fundamentally incompatible, you should break up.

Braedonm2077 − not compatible, next

just4thename − Pretty big topic to disagree on and if she doesn't break up with you then you should with her because both of you will be miserable. Also you should talk about this more often than once at the beginning of a relationship. At that point everyone is doe eyed and thinking that 'oh he'll come around'.

tuna_fart − You’ve done nothing wrong. But this sounds like a dealbreaker.

vaderssaber2024 − She’s wrong in saying you were deceitful or leading her on. In her mind I’m guessing she thought she could change you over time and now is shocked (pikachu face here) that you are still of the same mindset. Thats on her not you (if you’ve consistently said marriage is not something you wanted)

mariposacolorida92 − You both clearly want different things, I think the two of you should prepare yourselves. Disagreeing on something as big as marriage will only lead to eventual resentment on one or both sides.

Maybe she wanted to wait to see if she could change your mind overtime (never recommended) but obviously she has not and if you don’t intend to change that opinion then you need to end it so the both of you don’t waste anymore time on the wrong person.

This story of a couple divided by marriage dreams lays bare the cost of unspoken expectations. His unwavering honesty met her shifting hopes, leaving love at a crossroads.

As they face tough choices, the Reddit chorus champions clarity over compromise. Have you navigated a clash of core values in a relationship? Share your experiences below and let’s explore how love adapts or lets go!

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