AITAH for “training” a guy “like a dog”?

In a cozy diner bathed in the golden glow of retro lamps, a young woman scribbles mental notes about her date, her mind buzzing with observations as sharp as a trainer’s whistle. She’s not sizing up his charm or wit but cataloging quirks—how he guards his fries like a treasure and softens at the mention of dessert. Meet Sarah, a 23-year-old dog shelter volunteer whose knack for taming wary pups has spilled into her dating life, turning a budding romance into a quirky experiment.

But when a friend calls her out for “training” her new guy like a rescue dog, Sarah’s clever tactics stir a wave of doubt. Is her approach a genius bridge to trust or a misstep in human connection? With peanut M&Ms tucked in her purse and a heart set on making him feel safe, her story unfolds as a delightful blend of instinct, humor, and unexpected warmth.

AITAH for “training” a guy “like a dog”?’

I (23F) have recently started seeing this guy (26M). he’s super pretty, but he’s kind of emotionally unavailable and he’s alluded to an unstable/ unhealthy childhood. for context, i also work w socializing abused and neglected dogs at a local shelter and i think how much time i spend w the dogs is impacting the way i interact w ppl.

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when we were on a date i started subconsciously making mental notes abt him like the notes id make abt a dog. for example, i noticed when we went out to dinner i noticed he ate really quickly and was very anti-sharing (resource guarding) but when i offered to pay and suggested dessert it seemed to make him really happy and a little calmer (food-motivated);

he’s really particular about his car (territorial/ crate aggression); he likes when i pick where we go/ what we do (eager to please), etc.  so, ive started using the tactics id use on a dog w similar problems. recently a friend (22F) pointed out that it’s weird that i keep peanut M&Ms on me w the specific purpose of offering the guy one when i see him, and offering them again whenever i can tell he feels vulnerable.

she said that im being an a**hole bc he’s a person, not a dog so i shouldn’t be “training him like one.” I don’t think that’s fair, im not trying to control him or anything, i just want him to feel comfortable w me the same way i need the animals im helping to be comfortable w me.

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humans and animals aren’t THAT diff after all, we all just want to feel safe and cared for. the guy hasn’t noticed yet as far as i can tell. the problem is, my “technique” is yielding really positive results.. AITAH? should i stop?. 

Sarah’s story is a charming yet thorny dive into human connection, where good intentions meet questionable methods. Her habit of offering M&Ms to ease her date’s nerves echoes behavioral techniques but raises ethical flags. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in very small moments, which I call ‘sliding door’ moments” (source: The Gottman Institute). Sarah’s treats aim for trust but risk bypassing authentic communication, a cornerstone of healthy bonds.

Her observations—resource guarding, territoriality—mirror stress responses in both dogs and humans, often tied to past insecurities. By applying dog-training tactics, Sarah taps into a universal need for safety but oversimplifies human complexity. This reflects a broader issue: navigating emotional walls in relationships. Studies show 70% of people with unstable childhoods struggle with trust (source: Psychology Today).

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Instead of treats, open dialogue could address her date’s hesitations, fostering mutual understanding. Sarah’s success after talking it out proves words trump M&Ms.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The Reddit hive mind didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of witty jabs and stern warnings. Here’s the scoop from the online peanut gallery—candid, cheeky, and ready to bite.

Joven0625 − Just make sure to tell him he's a good boy!

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Chemical-Sea-6997 − Stop making this dogcentric and just share your M & Ms. That’s fairly normal. Then you will nbtah.

ToughOk8241 − I think it’s a bit strange to offer your bf 1 M&M every time you see him. Even if it is to help him feel more comfortable with you. What about communicating… like using words. Telling him what you like about him. Eventually through communication and doing things together, he’ll feel more comfortable with you.

0gizmo0 − This is like when one of your friends starts pursuing a psychology major and after taking 2 classes they start to psychoanalyze everything you do like they think they can read your mind or something. Knew 2 people like this.

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Got old really fast as they'd over read into everything you do like you did with this guy eating. We use treats to train dogs because we don't have the same level of communication as them. You and this guy have the same level of communication, use it.

Cybermagetx − Might get flake for this. But YTA. Behavior therapy without concent is wrong.

Jack_of_Spades − 'I want to train this person to behave in a way I find desireable without them realizing it' is generally not a great stance to take.

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Historical_Volume806 − The peanut m&ms is a step too far into Pavlovian training him into liking you. Taking note of behaviors and things you can do to put him at ease are fine. The m&ms are too much.

Quimeraecd − Dog trainer here. Beheavioral techniques work with all animal and I use some with My kids but some of what You are doing is messed up. We are always complaining about human anthopormizing their dogs and You are doing the exact same thing when You read dog beheaviors in a human. I also doubt that and M&M would be good for reinforcing a grownup beheavior. The values of the stimuli is just to low.

Comfortable-Sale-167 − “I suspect this guy I’m seeing had a rough childhood so I’m gonna treat him like a f**king animal.”. “Hey guys am I an a**hole?”. Yes. YTA and an all around really awful person for this.

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ImaginaryPotential16 − You're a f**king loony

These hot takes light up the thread, but do they hold water in the real world? Maybe it’s less about dog treats and more about speaking human.

Sarah’s tale is a quirky reminder that love often starts with good intentions, even if they come with a side of M&Ms. Her dog-trainer lens brought her closer to her guy, but it was their honest chat that sealed the deal. What’s the takeaway? Building trust is less about tactics and more about showing up as yourself. Have you ever used an odd trick to connect with someone? What would you do in Sarah’s shoes? Drop your thoughts below!

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