Aitah for not understanding and shutting my mom out after we were told the reason for their divorce?
This post revolves around a deeply personal family conflict triggered by the revelation of the reason behind the divorce of the poster’s parents. The poster, who is struggling to process her parents’ separation, has shut her mom out after learning that her mom’s decision to leave was largely based on her unwillingness to take on caregiving responsibilities for her mother-in-law.
The poster is upset because she feels her mom is abandoning her dad during a time when he needs support, and she now finds it hard to trust her mom’s judgment. This has led to a rift where she refuses to understand or accept her mom’s perspective, which has further complicated family relationships.
‘Aitah for not understanding and shutting my mom out after we were told the reason for their divorce?’
Family therapist Dr. Karen Ellis explains, “Divorce is rarely black and white, especially when it involves complex caregiving dynamics in an extended family. It’s not uncommon for children to feel abandoned when a parent makes a decision that appears self-centered, even if that decision is rooted in personal boundaries or burnout.”
Dr. Ellis emphasizes that while every individual has the right to set personal limits, it’s important for children—especially adult children—to understand the broader context. “In cases like these, open dialogue and family counseling can help all parties understand each other’s perspectives. While the parent’s decision may hurt, it often reflects deeper issues such as fear of being overwhelmed or the need to preserve one’s own well-being.” She advises that exploring these feelings in a safe, mediated environment may lead to healing and better mutual understanding over time.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Reddit users are divided on this issue, but many sympathize with the poster’s feelings of betrayal and confusion. Several commenters argue that while it’s understandable to be hurt by a parent’s decision to withdraw from family obligations, it is also important to consider that caregiving can be an incredibly taxing responsibility that one might not be prepared for.
Some users point out that the poster’s reaction—shutting her mom out—may be more reflective of her own unresolved feelings about the divorce rather than the actual merits of her mom’s decision. Others insist that her mom’s choice to prioritize her own needs over taking on additional caregiving roles is ultimately selfish, and the poster’s reaction is justified. Overall, many in the community urge the poster to consider family counseling to bridge the gap between hurt and understanding.
This situation poses a challenging question: when a parent makes a decision that seems to prioritize personal freedom over family duty, is it fair for their adult child to permanently shut them out? Can we truly understand the difficult choices parents face, or should we hold them to an ideal of selflessness that may no longer be realistic? Have you ever experienced a situation where a loved one’s decision left you feeling betrayed and confused?
How did you work through your emotions, and what strategies did you find effective in rebuilding trust? Share your experiences and insights—let’s discuss how to balance our own expectations with the complex realities of family dynamics.
