AITAH because I (32F) refused to put my BF (33M) on my life insurance and left my ex (33m) on it?

A quiet home office, papers neatly stacked, holds a secret that sparks chaos. A 32-year-old mom, devoted to her two kids—one recovering from leukemia, the other autistic—faces a storm when her boyfriend finds her life insurance policy still names her ex. The clash of trust and love grips us, revealing a mother’s fierce resolve to protect her family.

This raw tale captures a modern family’s delicate balance. The mom’s choice to prioritize her children’s future over her boyfriend’s demands fuels a drama that’s both personal and relatable. Her Reddit post pulls us into the heart of the conflict.

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‘AITAH because I (32F) refused to put my bF (33M) on my life insurance and left my ex (33m) on it?’

I 32(f) have an ex 33(m) and we have two children, 10(f) and 9(m). My ex and I had a difficult start in life. I fell pregnant pretty quickly after we started dating. Our daughter was born with Leukaemia and we spent the first few years of our relationship in hospital. She is now in remisssion thankfully. We also had another child during this time.

Also our son is Autistic. After being together for 6 years we split up indefinitely, when our children were 6 and 5, which was very hard for me and him. After healing for about 1.5 years I begin dating my now bf, lets call him Jake (not real name.) Jake was really lovely and kind and took it slow with me. After a year i Introduced him to my kids.

At first my daughter was not very happy with the situation but eventually she grew to tolerate him. Jake even has a civil relationship with my ex. Eventually Jake moved in with my children and I has been living with us for about 2 months now.

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When my daughter was born with Leukaemia my ex and I had decided to both get separate life insurance just incase anything happened to us. When we originally got them we decided that we would be each others trustee and also would recieve 30% of the insurance and the rest would go on our child/children.

After we had our son we updated our life insurances with his name also on it. We have both still honoured that. Our reasoning for this is that if one of us was to go while our children were still young then the other would be left as a single parent and may need some support and stability. I still feel very strongly about this.

Now onto the issue. Jake was cleaning up flies in my office, when I was at work, and had come across my life insurance agreement. While I was at work he had sent me a message saying 'we need to discuss something important when you get home.'

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Obviously I was freaking out and tried calling him but he would not answer me and said he was too angry to talk to me. I run my own business so I took off early and drove home. Before I left I messaged Jake to say I'm on my way home. When I arrived I seen Jake on the sofa glaring at me when I arrived.

He threw the life insurance papers at me and demanded to explain myself. I picked them up and asked what the problem was. He began to scream at me and said why is your ex on your insurance and I'm not. I explained to him my reasons above and he scoffed and said well you both make so much money now you don't need to support one another.

I was extremely angry at this and told him that it was not his business who I put on my life insurance. The money is mainly for my children and ex and it will stay that way. Jake replied 'well I put so much work into this relationship and I'm not going to get anything from it. No normal man would want a woman with two children who has issues.'

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I SAW RED. I kicked him out and told him we were done. My children will always come first and I will never let anyone get in the way of that. Jake packed his bags and left. While he was packing he shouted at me that I never really got over my ex and we still love each other blah blah blah. He knew it from the start and I'm such an ah for not putting him on my life insurance.. So reddit i Have to ask AITA?

Edit I should have added this also this did happen a few weeks ago. I haven't seen his since then but constantly recieving messages from him and calls.. So I did write a mini update in the comments but I guess i should have wrote it here...

MINI UPDATE So before I start with a little update I want to say thank you for all comments. I'm going to go through them all and try to reply even though it's a lot. I just want to address a few things this did happen a few weeks ago and I did post in another group but unfortunately got no advice on that subreddit.

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I had left it for a few weeks before my ex suggested this one because his words are 'maybe these internet strangers would make you see sense and stop you thinking your an a**hole, also could help you to see you shouldn't gwt back with Jake.' Just wanted to clear that bit up.

Firstly I should have probably added this in the post. My ex and I are definitely not getting back together. We are very good friends as I am with his HUSBAND. My ex always thought he was gay but he is not from the UK and his parents would disapprove (which they have done so and cut ties with him.)

I was upset to start with but love them both dearly. I was even best woman at their wedding. So yes I definitely am over my ex :) My ex, his husband and I are currently having a lovely glass of wine and discussing the issues around Jake.

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For the people saying its not right that I have my ex on my life insurance let me just explain my point of view. Our son is Autistic so has a lot of issues around his autism. Our daughter due to chemotherapy is deaf in one ear and is currently in a wheelchair and has multiple appointments.

I am very wealthy and my ex partner is not. We opted to do private care to get the best for our children. I am leaving him some money for our children and to help him and his husband financially if anything was to happen to me. I 10000% trust my ex with our kids money. My children will inherit all my properties and money.

I do have a will so everything in that sense is sorted. They have trust funds and never need to worry about their future. My life insurance is all my ex gets money from and a few thousand from my own personal money as does his husband.

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Now onto Jake. Currently my ex, his husband and I are packing up Jakes things and they are going to take it to his parents house. I informed his parents that Jake and I are no longer together and that we will drop off his stuff at their house. They were sad and wished me well as did I them.

Jake continually called me and texted me which I have ignored these past few weeks and I ignored him. He has been pleading to me about taking him back and how much he loves me and my kids. However just an hour ago he sent they most vile messages I've ever had in my life.

Calling my daughter a spolied dramatic little b!tch who uses her illness to get her way. He called my son some disgusting things which I won't even repeat. At this point I was done. I messaged him one final message saying that if he continued to try reaching out to me I will be filing for a protection order against him and blocked him on all platforms.

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Also I screenshotted the last message he sent and forwarded it to his ex and his family. I am very aware that it is petty but I do not care. No one gets away with saying that about my children. I really think I will take a break from dating for a while and concentrate on me and my little family which includes the father of my kids and his husband.

I so upset that there were red flags there that I just chose to ignore or was really oblivious too Little edit: I know I said I wouldn't post what he said but s**ew it he's a horrible human and I've had a few glasses of wine lol. He called my daughter a cripple ass and called my son a ret@rted freak. So he can so f**k himself.

I'm probably just gonna leave this post now. Time to heal and focus on my beautiful kids. Thank you so much for all the comments and advice. I hope you are all blessed and I appreciate everyone's opinions, advice and support. I will definitely be taking a lot of points into my heart..thank you

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Navigating life insurance beneficiaries can feel like tiptoeing through an emotional minefield. This mom’s choice to keep her ex on her policy, prioritizing her children’s stability, sparked a fiery clash with her boyfriend, Jake. Her decision, rooted in co-parenting trust, underscores her commitment to her daughter’s ongoing medical needs and her autistic son’s care, revealing a stark contrast with Jake’s self-centered reaction.

Jake’s outburst—snooping through her papers, demanding inclusion, and hurling insults at her kids—exposed a troubling sense of entitlement. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, emphasizes, “Trust is built in very small moments” . Jake’s actions shattered that trust, prioritizing financial gain over the children’s welfare, a red flag that justified the mom’s swift decision to end the relationship.

This story mirrors broader challenges in blended families, where financial and emotional boundaries often blur. A 2020 Pew Research Center study notes that 40% of U.S. adults have stepfamily ties, complicating decisions like inheritance and insurance . The mom’s commitment to her ex’s role as a co-parent reflects a pragmatic approach to ensuring her kids’ security, a choice grounded in their unique medical and financial needs.

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To avoid such conflicts, experts advocate for early, open discussions about finances in relationships. The mom’s firm boundaries protected her children, but future partners should align with her priorities. Setting clear expectations about financial roles can prevent misunderstandings, ensuring relationships honor family commitments while fostering mutual respect.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s response to this mom’s story was a vibrant chorus of support, with users rallying behind her fierce defense of her children. The consensus painted Jake as a walking red flag, his snooping and cruel remarks about her kids exposing a character unfit for her family. Commenters praised her for prioritizing her children’s future, seeing her life insurance choice as a testament to responsible parenting.

Many highlighted the strength of her co-parenting bond with her ex, viewing it as a model for putting kids first. Jake’s meltdown, they argued, revealed his true motives, with some humorously likening his exit to dodging a bullet in a romantic thriller. The community’s take was clear: her loyalty to her kids and swift action to end the relationship were unequivocally the right call.

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[Reddit User] − NTA and his ‘I put so much into the relationship and get nothing out of it’ when talking *life insurance* is ALARMING. I mean, we’ve seen enough Forensic Files to know what he meant. You dodged a heckin of a bullet with that guy.

The reality is, if you have primary custody after a divorce and pass away, most courts would grant a surviving parent custody. You did the right thing by ensuring your kids are still taken care of if that unfortunate event happens, esp since one child had health issues and the other is special needs.

All the better that it at least sounds like you and your ex are able to coparent. I can’t possibly imagine that if something happened to you, Jake would have the kids’ best interests at heart and especially after his very telling reaction about the life insurance policy

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burdavin − NTA. Jake is showing you his true colors. Believe him and don’t take him back.

[Reddit User] − RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU DON’T LIKE JAKE

rebelhedgehog2 − Why is he “cleaning up papers in your office?” He was looking. You own your own business, he moved in with you. He sees you as a meal ticket and finding out that if you die you have thoroughly ( and in my opinion correctly)

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provided for your children through the help to their remaining parent means he’s out on his broke ass.. Your children should always come first. You are SO NTA for standing your ground.

AdAccomplished6870 − I didn't get half way through this post before I was screaming, in my head, 'Red Flag! Run Away'. Snooping in your private papers. Red Flag. Demanding to be placed as your beneficiary. Red Flag.

Not Accepting that you are doing this to provide for your kids. Huge Red FLag. Being jealous and threatened by your ex. Big red flag. I think you dodge a bullet. Go ahead and make his move out official and call things off.

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-NachoFriend- − Absolutely NTA. He’s put so much work into the relationship, he deserves to get paid when you die?. Is that what he thinks life insurance is? A lottery win?. Good on you for moving along.

winterworld561 − NTA. Jake was clearly snooping in your papers while you were at work and your right telling him it's not his business. Your ex is your kids father so it makes sense for him to be on it

for their sake because he will be the one raising them if anything happens to you. Jake showed his true colours and his insecurities about your ex. He also showed how he really feels about your children. You were right to get rid of him.

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[Reddit User] − Gonna say NTA, but also have to ask. Has this situation came up before? Not the life insurance specifically, just him bringing up residual feelings for your ex or a fear of getting uprooted and losing not just a partner, but at this point an entire family?

Ksharonmcg − Jake was “cleaning files in your office”??? AKA snooping for all your financial information. Good for you dodging this bullet! NTA

Quiet-Hamster6509 − Ahhhh, now you know why Jake hung around.. for money. I always had my ex husband listed on my life insurance as 40% with 30% to each kid (2) because he would be the sole carer if anything happened to me.

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It's changed now as my older children are now adults and a young child with my 14yr long partner which now reflects this. Does my ex care? Absolutely not. We just want our children to be secure. This is what good parents do.. NTA

This mom’s journey is a powerful ode to parental love, standing firm against a partner’s betrayal to protect her children’s future. Her courage in choosing her kids over a toxic relationship resonates as both inspiring and humbling. It prompts reflection on trust, boundaries, and the complexities of blended families. Share your thoughts or experiences—how do you navigate family loyalties in relationships? Drop your insights in the comments; we’re eager to hear your perspective!

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