AITA For telling my wife that if she wants to bedshare she needs to sleep in the kids beds?

The bedroom should be a sanctuary, but for one man, it’s become a battleground. After a work injury left him reliant on a memory foam mattress, a 30-something Redditor found himself squeezed out of his own bed by his wife’s two children, ages 13 and 9, who still co-sleep with her. What started as a manageable arrangement when he worked nights has turned into a nightly struggle, with his stepson’s ninja-like kicks and his own aching back pushing him to the couch.

His plea for his wife to take the kids to their own beds ignited a firestorm, with tears, in-law accusations, and a wife torn between her kids’ needs and her husband’s comfort. This Reddit tale, buzzing with opinions, dives into the messy clash of family dynamics, medical necessity, and the emotional weight of co-sleeping. As he fights for a good night’s sleep, readers are left wondering: where’s the line between compassion and fairness?

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‘AITA For telling my wife that if she wants to bedshare she needs to sleep in the kids beds?’

My wife and I have been together for six years, she has a thirteen year old and a nine year old. When we first got together they were both still in her bed, they were both relatively small and I worked nights. It was never an issue. Last year I suffered a work injury and now have to sleep on a memory foam mattress.

I assumed by now both kids would of grown out of cosleeping, but obviously havent. I cant comfortably sleep in a bed with two kids, especially because my stepson (nine) is a little ninja. He is constantly kicking during the night. They will occasionally sleep in their own beds, but very rarely.

My stepdaughter is a little better, but stepson will have meltdowns if we try and send him to his own bed. My wife doesnt believe we should force them out, which I understand, but I cant keep sleeping on the couch when they're in the bed.. A couple days ago I blew up over it. My backs killing, I'm tired.

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I essentially told her to take the kids and sleep in one of their beds, I need the comfortable mattress for my back. We never really got to discuss it because stepson got upset and started crying. That night she took the kids to her parents for the night, and back at home she explained that they wouldnt all fit in one of the kids beds.

She agreed that I could have the big bed, but is ordering a memory foam mattress for our sons bed so I can sleep there comfortably. I dont want to sleep in a kids bed; I want my bed, and I'd like to actually spend a night with my wife.

Her parents are on her and the kids side, obviously, but I still dont think I should have to give my bed up for them, in the nicest way possible. I paid for it. The issue is getting worse, and my in laws are now calling me abusive for trying to take their comforts.. So, am I the a**hole?. Important info; both kids and my wife are asd diagnosed, stepson also has adhd.

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Navigating a blended family’s sleeping arrangements is like walking a tightrope, and this man’s story shows just how wobbly it can get. His need for a memory foam mattress due to a work injury clashes with his wife’s commitment to co-sleeping with her children, both diagnosed with ASD. The tension isn’t just about space—it’s about balancing personal health with family harmony.

The husband’s frustration is valid; chronic pain demands proper rest. A 2023 study from the National Institute of Health (source) notes that 60% of adults with chronic back pain report sleep disturbances, amplifying health risks. Meanwhile, his wife’s reluctance to transition the kids reflects a common challenge in ASD families, where routine changes can trigger distress. Her approach, though, risks fostering dependency, as the kids, at 13 and 9, are developmentally ready for independence.

Parenting expert Dr. Laura Markham, in her book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids (source), advises, “Helping children feel secure enough to sleep alone requires gradual steps, not force.” For this family, therapy could address the stepson’s meltdowns and explore why co-sleeping persists. The husband should calmly assert his need for the marital bed while supporting a transition plan, perhaps with larger beds for the kids.

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Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The Reddit squad dove into this bedtime drama with gusto, dishing out support, shade, and a few reality checks. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

PaigeTurner2 − NTA - I also think it’s problematic for your wife to expect you to sleep, night after night, with a teenage stepdaughter. That aside, kicking you out of your own bed so she can sleep with a teen and a tween is a strange dependency on her part. Is she planning on moving into their dorm rooms or going on their honeymoons in the future. Just no. Time to grow the kids up and have an adult relationship with her husband.

4thxtofollowtherules − NTA yikes. I watched my mom force my dad to sleep on the couch their entire marriage bc she'd rather have a kid in her bed. I was the oldest and slept with her until I was 10. I'm an adult now and still have a hard time sleeping if I'm home alone.

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It made things worse for me. Eventually my dad got fed up and divorced her. Rule number one for my husband and I when we had kids was no kids in the bed ( w the exception of nightmare or sick kid or something).

stallion8426 − NTA it's really unhealthy for the kids to still be co-sleeping with their mother and you clearly aren't getting any adult time with your wife because of it.. Think long and hard if this is the future you want though, because I doubt it's going to change.

Deep_Ad_9889 − NTA - their diagnosis does not mean they cannot understand the need for their own beds and privacy. You need to explain to your wife that you will not sleep in your sons bed and she should return the mattress, if she wants to co-sleep then she can order a new bed and mattress and sleep somewhere else but the marital bed is for you and her only..

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And if your in laws get really pissy remind them it’s illegal to have s** in front of minors… EDIT: the last line about secs was meant as a joke to get the in laws of his back, because I know mine would shut up if I mentioned it. It was not mean to be a discussion into OPs s** life and what is and is not acceptable to them. This isn’t about s**!!

NefariousnessGlum424 − NTA - why would she order another small child bed instead of ordering an adult bed that she can sleep in with the kids. Two big beds that are separate seem like the better answer to this problem. I can’t imagine a grownup happily sleeping in a twin bed every night.

khall20 − Nta the kids are old enough to sleep in there old bed end of story. You have a legitimate reason to need to sleep in your bed and your wife needs to cut the cord with the kids about sharing a bed every night.

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plo84 − NTA.. Considering you have an injury, priority is for you to sleep comfortably. Now...sounds to me like the kids (the son at least) has some form of attachment to his mom. It's not within the norm for a kid that big to still want to sleep in bed with the parents. Is he scared of something? I suggest looking into therapy or some form of diagnosis.

Novel_Ad_7318 − Edit: NAH, see reasoning below OP's answer. ('Yeah, I think you got the reason why they are sleeping with you still. They don't feel safe without you and your wife, which I guess could even be taken as a compliment.

Honestly, I struggle to call anyone an a**hole here, because those are most likely just terrified kids. I am autistic and struggled for a long time, especially at night, as well as having had some trauma that periodically had me sleep with my mom (though her bed was large enough) because I was so sensitive.

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Has a therapist been involved? Obviously, this is putting a strain on you and your family life. Dating someone with kids will need compromise, though your own comfort shouldn't be affected majorly like this. I feel like family counseling might be appropriate.

The kids need to know you aren't rejecting them, but that you are looking out for their best though at that age, it might not have been easily understood. I really think there could be a conflict-free resolution here, though a professional likely will have to be involved to find it.')

INFO: Are the kids okay? I am honestly not entirely sure about kids ages, but at that age, most of them sleep in their own beds regularly. Trauma, however, might change that, and considering you are their stepdad, was there something going on?

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camillari − NTA- they are 9&13 years old, there is no reason they can’t stay in their own bed. Plus you have medical reasons as to why you want to stay in YOUR OWN bed. Sleeping together (as in: literally sleeping hahah) is such an important aspect of a relationship in my opinion, I could not imagine handeling a situation like this.

BogBabe − Mild ESH, mild NAH. Based on your comments about your wife being asexual and everything else in your marriage being fine, I would say you need to designate the master BR as the 'wife & kids room,' and you take over one of the kids rooms. As in, it's yours, completely. No kid furniture in there.

A big comfortable bed picked out by you, for you. Your dresser. Your clothes in the closet. It becomes *your* room. They want to share, they get to share. You don't want to share, you don't have to. If your wife ever actually wants to spend a night with *you*, she can leave the kids in the other room and come sleep with *you* in *your* room.

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These Redditors didn’t mince words, cheering the husband’s stand and questioning the wife’s priorities. But do their hot takes nail the full story, or are they missing the nuances of ASD and family bonds? One thing’s certain: this mattress melee has everyone talking.

This man’s fight for his bed is more than a quest for comfort—it’s a snapshot of the sacrifices and tensions in blended families. Caught between a aching back and a wife tethered to her kids’ needs, he’s pushing for fairness while facing accusations of cruelty. His story reminds us that love often means tough conversations and creative compromises. As he navigates this, the path forward lies in empathy and teamwork. What would you do if you were stuck between your health and your family’s habits? Drop your thoughts below!

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