AITA for telling my wife I feel unwanted and undesirable?

A 34-year-old husband has been feeling increasingly undesired in his 10-year relationship with his wife. After 3 years of marriage and the birth of their 2-year-old, he’s noticed that she never initiates intimacy — it’s always him starting things, either spontaneously or during planned dates.

He finally opened up about how this makes him feel unwanted and unattractive. She flirts playfully throughout the day, but only when sex isn’t possible (while he’s working or caring for their child). When he asked if there’s a reason or something he’s doing wrong, she stayed silent. Now he’s wondering if he’s wrong for wanting her to initiate sometimes too.

‘AITA for telling my wife I feel unwanted and undesirable?’

The couple has been together for 10 years and married for 3, with a 2-year-old child:

He told her how hurtful this was for him:

She flirts a lot, but never when it can lead anywhere:

This husband’s feelings are completely valid — intimacy is a two-way street, and always being the one to initiate can feel lonely and rejecting over time. The fact that she flirts playfully but never follows through when it’s possible suggests she enjoys the flirtation but may not feel the same spontaneous desire to act on it.

Experts distinguish between spontaneous desire (feeling aroused out of nowhere and wanting to initiate) and responsive desire (needing stimulation or emotional connection first to feel aroused). Many women, especially after having children, experience more responsive desire. The constant caregiving and mental load of parenting a toddler can also leave women feeling “touched out” or exhausted, making initiation feel overwhelming.

Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, explains: “Responsive desire is normal and healthy — it doesn’t mean less attraction or love. But partners need to understand each other’s desire styles so no one feels rejected. Open, non-judgmental conversation is key.”

Practical advice: Schedule a calm, non-sexual time to talk (not right before bed or during an argument). Frame it as “I feel” statements: “I feel undesired when I’m always the one initiating — I’d love to feel wanted by you too.” Ask open questions: “What makes you feel sexy and connected?” Try non-sexual intimacy (hugs, massages, date nights without pressure) to rebuild closeness. If she still won’t communicate, couples therapy could help uncover any underlying issues (stress, body image, resentment, hormones). He’s not wrong for wanting reciprocity — healthy intimacy involves both partners feeling desired.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

The responses were mostly supportive of the husband’s feelings, with many offering insights into women’s desire styles and parenting exhaustion.

Most readers said he’s not the asshole — his feelings are valid and communication is needed:

Many pointed out parenting exhaustion and suggested practical steps:

This husband isn’t wrong for wanting to feel desired and pursued sometimes — it’s a normal, healthy need in a long-term relationship. Her silence when he asks for reasons is the real problem; communication is essential. The toddler phase is exhausting, and many women experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous initiation. With patience, non-sexual intimacy, and honest conversation, they can find a balance that makes both feel wanted.

What do you think — is he overreacting, or is her lack of initiation a legitimate issue? How would you handle this in a 10-year relationship? Share your thoughts below!