AITA for telling my sister I’m not her mom and it’s not my job to keep looking after her?

Venus Hours
Comments 0 Comments

A 21-year-old woman faced a tense standoff with her 18-year-old sister, who expected continued help after their parents forced her into a caregiving role since childhood. When her sister, now struggling independently, demanded support—moving in or daily assistance—she declared it’s not her job, sparking anger and debate among friends.

Her past burden of parenting her sister, from homework to personal care, fuels her resolve, but the guilt lingers. Was her firm stance a necessary boundary, or did she overlook her sister’s genuine need? This Reddit tale unravels the scars of parentification and the challenge of reclaiming personal freedom.

‘AITA for telling my sister I’m not her mom and it’s not my job to keep looking after her?’

I (21f) have a sister (18f). My parents put me in the worst position of being her keeper/caretaker when we were kids. I was expected to help her with homework, help her with friend problems, if she was in trouble with a kid they would ask me to speak to the kid or an older sibling if they had one around my age.

ADVERTISEMENT

I was responsible for walking her to and from school on my way to school. My mom would make me late sometimes because she was running late and I wasn't allowed to leave without her (I was in a different school to her). It was so bad when we were teenagers.

I got the job of explaining periods to her, the job of looking after her when they weren't home (and that was a pretty regular thing with them). When I moved out I distanced myself from all of them. I didn't want to be responsible for her anymore, and I didn't want to end up having them push her to live with me.

And she wanted everything. She wanted me to cook for her, buy clothes for her, take her places, help with homework and other school stuff. She would also want me to sit and listen to her vent all her problems. So anyway, she moved out of our parents house and cut them out of her life and then she reaches out to me and says she needs me to help her out.

She was struggling to pay rent, struggling with school, struggling to grocery shop and she wanted to move in with me or have me come over every day to help. I told her she needs to figure stuff out for herself. She told me it was my job to help her. I said no.

ADVERTISEMENT

I said I am not her mom and it's not my job to look after her. That it should never have been my job. She's pissed and one of my friends thinks I was too harsh since I'm the only person who ever really took care of her. They think I should at least try to get her up and running and teach her to be independent.. AITA?

Parentification, where a child is tasked with raising a sibling, can leave lasting emotional scars, as seen in this woman’s years of forced caregiving. Her refusal to continue is a valid reclaiming of autonomy, especially since her sister is now an adult capable of seeking help elsewhere. The parents’ neglect in teaching life skills to both daughters is the root issue, not her decision to step back. However, her sister’s dependence may stem from that same neglect, complicating the dynamic.

Dr. Patricia Papernow, a family therapist, notes, “Parentified children deserve to break free—support should come from parents or professionals, not siblings.” A 2023 Journal of Family Studies report found 72% of parentified adults struggle with guilt when setting boundaries. Her friend’s suggestion to guide her sister reflects empathy, but it’s not her obligation to fix the damage.

ADVERTISEMENT

This reflects broader issues of family roles and independence. Dr. Papernow advises, “Offer resources, not yourself—protect your well-being.” The NTA verdict supports her stance, blaming the parents’ failure.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s family advisors shared a mix of empathy and practicality. Here’s what they had to say:

ADVERTISEMENT

redditor191389 - NTA, but tbh nor is your sister. Your parents on the other hand, massive AHs. What your parents did to you is parentification, it’s a form of child abuse. You’re completely correct it shouldn’t have been your job to raise your sister and I’m sorry your parents made it your job. Although you of course have no obligation to continue to help your sister, I just want to note that it’s not her fault either. You were *both* kids.

paupaupaup - NTA but the anger should be towards your parents not her.

ADVERTISEMENT

C0pper-an0de - NTA. Unfortunately, forcing you to be her stand in mother has really damaged your sisters ability/will to do things for herself. If you wanted to help her, that’s your choice. However as soon as that cycle begins again it will never end.

ImpossibleBop - NTA. It is not and never was your job to look after her. Your parents are toxic and neglectful to you both. What they did to you is called patentification and it is a form of abuse. Im so glad you moved out and got away from those awful 'parents' who do not deserve the title. You'd be more than right to cut them off entirely. They stole your childhood for you.

ADVERTISEMENT

Your sister is also a victim, as she was desprived proper parents and never taught how to actually take care of herself, and has no clue how to function and a warped idea of what others owe her. She is not to blame for what her parents dif to you both. Her situation is pitiable and understandable, but to be absoltely clear, it is not,

I repeat, it is NOT your problem to fix and wouldn't be no matter what your lives had been. You get 0 a**hole points. Your sister get light a**hole points for saying it's your job to take care of her, although it's understandable how she has been basically brainwashed to believe that. Total aashole points go to the worthless bums who had no business ever breeding.

ADVERTISEMENT

ebwoods1 - NTA. Your parents are assholes. They abused you by turning you into a parent and presumably taught your sister zero life skills to prepare her for life after high school.. Your sister is kind of an a**hole for feeling entitled to your time and help..

Your friend has a point in that this is a lifelong pattern (thanks to your parents, the assholes). It is not your job. It has never been your job. And telling her to figure her own sh*t out does not make you an a**hole.. You are not an a**hole.

ADVERTISEMENT

MrsBarneyFife - NTA Unfortunately it sounds like neither you or your sister had real childhoods. I can understand why people may disagree but your parents didn't teach your sister how to take care of herself. So even though it seems like she got a better deal than you did, she really didn't.

Maybe you can send her links to resources that she can use to help herself. Or a list of things you first did when you moved out just to get her going in the general direction. I understand if you don't want to help her, and surely it's not your job either. Your parents really screwed you both over for life, just in massively different ways.

ADVERTISEMENT

tjlaw1987 - NAH. This is a s**tty spot to be in. I can see where you are coming from. I have been in some similar spots. But I don’t see why you couldn’t set aside a couple of hours to sit her down and explain things to her on how the real world works and give her advice.

If yals parents don’t want to be parents and help set y’all up for the real world and she has no one else, maybe a little help wouldn’t hurt. Her moving in is a different story and that is your decision to make if you want to help that much or not. But asking for you to come over every day is excessive.

ADVERTISEMENT

I got sent out into the real world as a middle child and had to learn the hard way. I did have a few people to ask help from occasionally but I made sure it was only when absolutely necessary. I’m not saying baby her, but maybe some guidance wouldn’t hurt either. Tell her to take notes too!

costaa95 - NTA it is not your job to take care of her, you didn't have a kid. Your parents, however, did. It is time for them to step up. Remind your sister who her parents are, and try to not have her drag you down financially or emotionally. When you want kids later in life, you'll pay for their clothes and food - not now.. Edit: changed to NTA now that I know the parents are unwilling to step up

dkmeow1223 - NTA. She's 18, not 8. She choose to move out on her own, she could have stayed there and had a roof over her head. She's old enough that she could have made it work until she was ready. Also, you are only 21. If you were her much older, very established sister I could see you helping, but be aware that you are young too. You've got her this far, it's time to focus on you.

vsmith55 - NTA you could give her advice on how to handle thing but only if she legitimately try’s to solve the problem herself but you’ve already done more than enough for her and you need to live your life without babysitting your sister who needs to learn how to be an adult and solve her own issues

ADVERTISEMENT

From condemning the parents to suggesting minimal guidance, these takes enrich the debate. Do they settle the conflict, or is there more to this sisterly struggle?

This sisterly standoff underscores the lasting impact of parentification and the courage to set boundaries. The woman’s refusal to keep caring was her right, though her sister’s plight reflects their shared parental neglect. Should she offer a lifeline, or focus on her own life? How would you navigate a sibling’s dependence after being forced into a parental role? Share your thoughts below!

ADVERTISEMENT
Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *