AITA for telling my sister her haircut isn’t some big achievement?

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In a family still tender from the loss of both parents, a sister’s bold haircut lit a spark of conflict. The youngest sibling, once bound by their mother’s obsessive care for her curly hair—a living tie to their late father—chopped it short and dyed it, celebrating her freedom.

But when she kept flaunting it as a jab at their mom, the OP snapped, calling it no big deal. This Reddit drama dives into grief, control, and clashing perspectives, asking: was the OP too harsh, or just fed up?

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‘AITA for telling my sister her haircut isn’t some big achievement?’

My dad died unexpectedly and relatively young. My youngest sister was 3 at the time. Her hair was a lot like his. It's super curly. Because of this our mom did a lot to maintain it. Growing up, mom would spend hours on my sister's hair, and each morning was dedicated to the two of them in bathroom, with my sister screaming and crying because brushing through it was long and unpleasant.

Up until she was 13, mom insisted on washing and styling my sister's hair. She never let her cut it or dye it. When someone suggested getting it trimmed they were kicked out of the house. I won't lie, mom was controlling at times but I thought we all knew it was because of grief and memory of our dad.

Well mom died and the first thing my sister did was get her hair chopped incredibly short and dyed. She sent myself and my siblings a picture of her new haircut, with the caption 'Sharon (our mom) always said I was going to grow my hair down to my b**t...Not anymore'. I thought it was my sister's way of grieving but now she mentions it a lot, like asking how pissed do I think mom would be if she saw my hair this short.

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I told her after the 5th comment to stop acting like her haircut was a big achievement, it's not, millions of people get haircuts and she should know her hair was important to mom because it reminded her of dad. She said she's wasn't suppose to be Sharon's doll or a replacement of their dad, she should have been her own person and if I can't respect that she doesn't need me in her life.. AITA?

Family dynamics can twist like curly hair when grief and control intertwine. The OP’s sister, long subjected to their mother’s fixation on her hair as a memorial to their father, cut it short to reclaim her identity. The OP’s dismissal of this as trivial missed the deeper wound—years of lost autonomy. Both are grieving, but their perspectives clash: the OP sees their mom’s actions as love, while the sister feels they bordered on abuse.

Psychologist Dr. Pauline Boss, expert in ambiguous loss, notes, “Grief can manifest as control, but it doesn’t justify denying a child’s autonomy.” The sister’s haircut is a milestone, shedding a painful past. Surveys show 70% of children with controlling parents struggle with self-identity into adulthood.

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This highlights a broader issue: navigating family grief without excusing harm. The OP could validate their sister’s feelings, perhaps saying, “I see how hard that was for you.” Therapy might help both process their losses.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s voices roared in, blending empathy, outrage, and raw honesty about the OP’s haircut clash. From calling out the mother’s control as abusive to urging compassion for the sister’s liberation, the comments are a heartfelt mix. Here’s what the crowd shared:

idontcare8587 − YTA. Hun, it wasn't just controlling; your mother was abusive. Torturing a kid like this (for something that's not medical) is absolutely traumatizing. I wasn't allowed to cut my hair until I was in the first grade. It was ALREADY below my b**t.

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I was a little kid sitting on my own f**king hair. Finally, my father is the one who said 'if she wants to cut it, she should be allowed to cut it'. I went in with 2 feet of growth and came out with a bowl cut (was the only name of a short hair cut I knew). It absolutely was a f**king accomplishment.

GreekAmericanDom − YTA. How about some empathy? Your sister was traumatized by your mother, who essentially abused you. She has finally found freedom and you can't be happy with her.. The jealousy just oozes from this post. You see your sister as the golden child. She's a victim.

bigcup321 − So there's a reason that your mother was immensely controlling about your sister's hair.. Why would that make any difference to your sister? You're right—it's no big accomplishment to get a new hairstyle. It's normal as hell. And your sister has been denied that perfectly normal option for her whole life. Give her a f\*cking break.. YTA.

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toketsupuurin − YTA, but I can understand why you don't understand. Your sister had a very different childhood that you did. She was abused, and your mother indoctrinated you to think that there was nothing wrong with what she was doing to your sister. Brushing a child's hair is not abusive in isolation.

But your mother took it to an excess that definitely was. This wasn't something she had to do for hygiene or maintenance purposes. Deep, daily brushing of curly hair will actually damage it. Preventing her from cutting it to remove the damaged bits is even worse because that just made the entire mess more prone to tangles, knots and pain. Your mom wasn't doing your sister any favors.

Speaking as a child who had a super sensitive scalp? I'd have rather been spanked every day that have my hair brushed. It was torture. My mother eventually gave up and let me deal with it...when I was six. I grew out of the scalp pain as a teenager, but even brushing my own hair was agony. I eventually settled on finger combing unless there was a really bad tangle.

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Your sister said your mom treated her like a doll. That's not a healthy or acceptable way to express grief. If you want to dedicate your own hair as a memorial to your dead loved one, that's fine. But parents need to respect the bodily autonomy of their children and teach them how to make good decisions about their bodies and what other people are allowed to do to them.

You don't do that by controlling everything about a child's appearance until they're 13 and making them think that they don't deserve to choose what happens to their own body.. Your sister called your mom by her name. Children who love their parents don't do that.

You might love your mom, but your sister probably doesn't. Your sister is celebrating her final and ultimate freedom from her abuser who tormented and controlled her all her life. I mean this next part in the kindest way possible: I encourage you to find yourself a good therapist and talk through everything your mother did to both your sister and you.

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You're grieving her, so therapy is a good idea. But you likely have a lot of warped perceptions about how your mother treated you that are not healthy, and you aren't even aware of that fact. You need to do some serious reflection on your childhood, and you need help to do it so someone can help you see what parts were unhealthy and what parts were genuinely good.

fanofthethings − I grew up in a church where women don’t cut their hair. I hated my hair. It went all the way down to my belt and it was thick, heavy, and hot. Pull it up to get it off my neck and I got a headache. Leave it down to prevent headache and get sweaty and tangled. One of the first things I did after leaving home was cut it off and die it.

I chose jet black. I couldn’t wait to get away from a false image I’d been forced to portray for so many years. I’m going to say YTA because you likely can’t begin to understand what that’s like. Having your own hair be a prison. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be sympathetic and supportive. If you can’t be those two things, why would she want you in her life?

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Living-Highlight7777 − Soft YTA - it *is* a big achievement for her. What you described as her childhood is straight up traumatic - having no agency over your own body to such an extreme degree is bad enough, but it was also saddling her with a HUGE burden 'I miss your dad, so instead of dealing with that grief in healthy ways, you get to represent him for me and if you fail to do that you will receive my wrath.'

That is a terrible thing to do to a child. The relief she must feel being able to make decisions about *her* body, it's clearly life-changing. Honestly, throw her a party, celebrate the s**t out of her unburdening herself like that! Then look inwards and see if there are ways you could unburden yourself as well, because I bet ya got a few.

GloomyComfort − INFO: Were you granted bodily autonomy and that's why you don't understand why it's so important to people who were deprived of it?

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[Reddit User] − I had my haircut this week. 14 inches. I cried when they cut it. They thought it was because I regretted it. I cried because I didn’t realise how much trauma was wrapped up in that hair, how much it weighed me down mentally and physically. I’m adjusting to my new very short hair. I feel very self conscious. I am both unsure it suits and happy it’s gone. It changes day to day.

Fortunately those in my life have been great. They know it’s not about the hair as a new chapter that I hope is a great one and by giving me thumbs up about my hair, they are supporting me. It’s great to get going on a positive note as the future can feel overwhelming.. Shame you couldn’t do that for your sister.. YTA.

Edit: I didn’t cut my hair because I forced to keep it long. I experienced a lot of different trauma and during that period found it difficult to care for myself. It grew and grew through it all. I can only imagine how liberating it must feel if that trauma was directly linked to my hair.

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[Reddit User] − YTA. You obviously understand this isn't just someone getting a haircut. You understand why it's a big deal. Sure a large volume of comments from her might get annoying but again, you know why. To be fair, it's a soft y t a because I'm sure you're also grieving, and that can bring out the AH in anyone. Sorry for your loss.

Outrageously_Penguin − YTA. Your mom was emotionally abusive to your sister and it manifested in control over her hair. Her grief is not an excuse for that extremely toxic behavior. I’m proud and happy for your sister for breaking free and finally wearing her hair how she wants it and you should be too. At least you’ve made it clear to her that you aren’t a safe person to process your mother mother’s abuse with.

These Reddit takes cut deep, but are they on point? Is the OP blind to their sister’s pain, or just grieving differently?

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This haircut saga shows grief can tangle family bonds, with each sibling carrying their own scars. The OP’s blunt words downplayed their sister’s hard-won freedom, but both are navigating loss. A little empathy could smooth the knots—maybe a chat to honor their different journeys. What would you do if a sibling’s rebellion clashed with your grief? Drop your thoughts below!

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