AITA for telling my mum I hate her husband and prefer my dad’s?

In a blended family fractured by tension, a 16-year-old’s cry for respect sparked a showdown with their mother. Trapped in their mum’s home with a controlling, bigoted stepdad during lockdown, the OP reached a breaking point, declaring they hate him and prefer their dad’s kinder husband.

The mother’s defense of her husband’s rules left feelings bruised on both sides. This Reddit saga dives into loyalty, pain, and family strife—was the OP’s outburst justified, or too harsh?

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‘AITA for telling my mum I hate her husband and prefer my dad’s?’

My parents split up when I was really young because Dad realised he's gay. They've since both gotten married to other men; dad married his husband about ten years ago and mum married hers about three years ago. Usually I spend a week at mums and then one at dad's.

However, Dad's husband is pretty severely immunocompromised, and they had to shelter in place for the pandemic so I haven't been able to go to theirs. That's where the problem comes in. I've never really gotten on super well with my mum's husband. He's super strict and treats me like a little kid even though I'm 16.

Like, I have a 9:30pm bedtime at their house and I'm only allowed to hang out with my friends til 7pm unless it's a special occasion. I'm also kinda punk/alt and so are my friends and he just like...openly says really rude things about them and mocks their outfits and stuff to me.

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He also calls my dad and his husband slurs and stuff sometimes. Being stuck at my mum's with him all the time has made things very tense between us. He's been even more strict with me than usual, to the point I've cried on FT with Dad and his husband on several occasions.

We had our biggest fight possibly ever a few days ago. Lockdown restrictions are eased a bit here and I went for a safe-distance hangout with my mates in the park. I got home a bit before 7:10 because the bus was late, and my stepdad went *nuts*. He shouted at me for, like, twenty minutes about what a disrespectful little b**tard I am and how I can't follow simple rules so I must be completely stupid and stuff.

I ended up crying in my room again and when mum came up to talk to me she pretty much took his side and said it's technically his house so his roof, his rules and I know when my curfew is and stuff. I got quite cross about it and told her to get out of my room if all she cares about is him.

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I told her that I hate her husband, I hate that she consistently chooses him over me and I like Dad's husband much more and if I could live with them I would. She got upset herself then. I feel bad for hurting her feelings and I'm wondering if it was an arsehold move to say that to her, since she didn't really do anything.

Blended families can feel like tightropes when stepparents overstep and parents fail to mediate. The OP’s stepdad’s strict rules, bigoted remarks, and verbal tirades created a hostile environment, worsened by the mother’s enabling. The OP’s outburst, while sharp, voiced legitimate pain from feeling sidelined. The mother’s hurt feelings reflect her conflict, but her failure to protect her child takes precedence.

Psychologist Dr. Patricia Papernow, an expert in stepfamily dynamics, says, “Stepparents must build trust through fairness, not control, and parents must prioritize their children’s safety.” Studies show 60% of teens in blended families report feeling marginalized when stepparents dominate, as seen here. The stepdad’s slurs and the mother’s “his house, his rules” stance erode trust.

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This highlights a broader issue: balancing loyalty in blended families. The OP could explore living with their dad if feasible, given his supportive household. A calm letter to their mum outlining specific grievances might open dialogue. Therapy could help process the tension.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s voices roared in, cheering the OP’s honesty with a mix of empathy and outrage at the stepdad’s behavior. From urging a move to dad’s to slamming the mum’s inaction, the comments are a heartfelt rally. Here’s what the crowd chimed in:

N0_Soliciting − NTA. You hurt her feelings, because she has been hurting and neglecting yours by letting your stepdad treat you so poorly. He sounds like a nightmare. I’m sorry.

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AITADramaDramaTA − NTA.. said it's technically his house so his roof, his rules and I know when my curfew is and stuff.. What a b**lshit excuse. She chose to move in with him, you didn't.

theaardvarkoflore − NTA. Op, your mom *did* do something. She chose her mate over her child. That woman is supposed to be your protector and provider, come what may. If she can't stand up to some strange guy who is abusing you *just because she is sleeping with him*, then you need to take action.. When people tell you who they are, believe them. Find a way to either quarantine or self-sanitize but you need to get to your Dad's house asap.

I cannot advocate staying with a friend, because you are still below the age of majority, but your Dad sounds like he shares legal custody with your mom and if you go to him, you are not legally a runaway. If you absolutely must stay, keep your head down and get your affairs in order. When the time comes, be prepared to gtfo. In the meantime, please be safe.

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HelenDamnnation − NTA. Your mother's husband is an abusive bigot, and she's not much better, being his enabler. I'm sorry you're stuck with such trash in your life. Is it possible to go stay with your dad full time?

Tipsy75 − she pretty much took his side and said it's technically his house so his roof, his rules. NTA. When you marry someone & move into their house, it becomes your house too. That house now belongs to all of you & rules are supposed to be made by both parents/stepparents, not just one.

Your mom sounds like she's one of his children. There's no doubt in my mind that she's being controlled by him just as much as you, if not more. It sounds like she has no self confidence & is too scared to stand up for herself & you & he takes full advantage of it bcuz he's a huge bully!

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I feel sorry for her, but at the same time it's her job as a mother to make sure you're treated fairly, which she isn't. I have a 19 yr old daughter, her dad left when she was 5 & I remarried when she was 15. Me & my husband respect each other & make decisions together. He'd be gone if he treated her badly. I think your mom needed to hear how you feel, so no you're NTA.

faerie_spit_ − NTA. You spoke nothing but the truth. Not your fault the truth hurts. Good luck kiddo

cricket73646 − NTA. Your stepdad doesn’t sound very caring or considerate. Just the slurs at your real dad should have been enough for your mom to step in.

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AlliMela − NTA - if it really is as bad as you describe, can you move in with your dad?

Arbor_Arabicae − NTA. One of the core rules of parenting is that spouses and step-parents don't trash each other to the children. Also, your curfew sounds very intense, and ten minutes is forgivable, especially if the bus was late.. I'm so sorry, OP. I hope restrictions are eased soon so you can see your father and other stepfather.

Dangerfyeld − NTA. She's repeatedly chosen her new husband over you. She won't stand up for you, allows her husband to be derogatory about you/your friends and your father and his husband. Yes, its stepfather's house, but his rules are designed so he habe maximum control.

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They're not meant to be fair, its hum flexing control and feeling powerful. She is an enabler and is playing the victim because she's been called out on her awful behaviour. Time to see if you can move to be with your father and set very clear boundaries with your mother.

These Reddit takes pack a punch, but do they land true? Is the OP a wronged teen speaking truth, or did they cross a line?

This family flare-up shows how control and neglect can push a teen to breaking points. The OP’s declaration of hating their stepdad and preferring their dad’s husband was a cry for support their mum didn’t answer. Exploring a move to dad’s or writing a clear letter could pave a path forward, while boundaries might shield the OP’s spirit. What would you do if stuck with a controlling stepparent? Drop your stories and tips below!

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