AITA for telling my fiancé that his best friend can’t be his best man?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Wedding bells were supposed to ring with joy, but for one couple, a best friend’s bad choices are hitting a sour note. With a destination wedding and a house down payment on the horizon, a woman and her fiancé have meticulously saved, balancing their unequal incomes with shared goals. But when the fiancé’s best friend, Tom, crashed his motorcycle while drunk, racking up medical bills and unable to afford the wedding trip, the plan hit a wall.

The fiancé wants to dip into their house fund to cover Tom’s costs, but she’s drawing a hard line, fed up with Tom’s reckless lifestyle and snarky attitude. Her ultimatum—if Tom can’t pay, he can’t be best man—has left her fiancé sleeping on the couch and their future in question. This story dives into the clash of loyalty, money, and wedding dreams.

‘AITA for telling my fiancé that his best friend can’t be his best man?’

I know how it sounds. My fiancé (29M) is an amazing guy - sweet, funny, attractive, and hard-working. I (29F) was impressed with him from the moment I met him and we’ve been together 6 years. We are devoted to each other and working toward building our shared life.

We each put a percentage of our earnings into two funds: one for our wedding (which is a year away) and another for a down payment on a home. We each pay the same percentage, but I pay a much larger amount because I went into a higher income field.

We’ve budgeted it out pretty well. At this rate, we’ll have enough to buy a home around the same time as our wedding, as planned. As to the wedding, we both wanted a small one, and my fiancé and I decided to have a destination wedding. We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves.

My family’s pretty poor, so I’ve also been saving a portion of my remaining paycheck to be able to pay for all of them to come to the wedding for free. I’m also paying for one of my bridesmaids who went into teaching and doesn’t make much.

My fiancé wouldn’t really have the disposable cash to do that, but his family can afford to pay (somewhat wealthy) and is happy for the vacation. The problem arose last week. My fiancé’s best friend Tom (30M) who he asked to be his best man, got in an accident.

It was likely entirely his fault as he was riding his motorcycle drunk. He suffered significant injuries, is going to have some major medical bills, and admitted to my fiancé he doesn’t think he can afford to come. My fiancé wants to pay for him (several thousand dollars) and lend him money to help cover his medical bills.

But, especially with everything going on, my fiancé does not have and is unlikely to be able to get the money to do either. I could afford to do both, but I don’t want to. Truthfully, I can’t stand this friend.

He often rides or drives drunk, does not have a job, makes snarky comments about my fiancé that he insists are just jokes (but that I know actually affect my fiancé), and lives in his parents basement while ignoring their well-being. I was willing to have him up there as best man because my fiancé considers him a brother and it’s his choice.

I wasn’t happy about it, but I wasn’t about to throw a tantrum about it. But with everything going on, my fiancé has suggested taking a huge chunk of our savings for a house to help, and I said no. We got in a huge fight and he called me selfish and cruel, at which point I lost it, told him his loser friend did this to himself.

and that there was no way in hell I’d pay anything for his sorry ass. I ended by saying, “if he can’t afford to come, he can’t be your best man.” He hasn’t spoken to me since last night and slept in the couch. While I still think I’m on solid footing, I wonder if I went to far. AITA?.

*******EDIT******* Thank you to everyone that’s responded - I will try to work through all of those this evening. I just wanted to make an edit based on a question/issue a lot of people have brought up: our finances. To clarify, we have talked about everything, especially financial expectations, to make sure we’re on the same page.

My fiancé’s dad is a family law attorney, and as soon as it became clear we were in it for the long-term, he sat us down, discussed with us the common pitfalls he saw that ended relationships, and gave us his advice to avoid them. His advice revolves largely around open communication and setting expectations and boundaries early, especially around money.

So when we each graduated, we talked about the career paths we wanted. My fiancé decided he’d rather take a lower paying job, with normal hours, less stress, and more time outside of work. He wasn’t worried about helping his parents out later in life, because they are very well set up.

He also wasn’t worried that much about developing a big retirement account, because he’s very likely to inherit enough to survive on comfortably. I, on the other hand, likely will not have any inheritance and will want to provide for my parents medical expenses and retirement as they get older.

I also have a good amount of student loan debt (he doesn’t because his parents could afford to pay for it) and while we both really enjoy traveling, he’d be willing to cut back on it significantly to have an easier job year-round.

I wouldn’t want to burden him with those costs (the ones that I brought into the relationship), as I feel that would natural cause resentment, especially if it meant he had to work a job he enjoyed less to help share the costs with me.

So I took a high stress job that I don’t enjoy and that requires me to work longer hours, but that pays significantly more. We agreed we each should be able to make that choice and decided a fair way to handle finances would be to:

(1) create a joint account for common expenses: rent, bills, food, entertainment, work clothes. At his father’s suggestion, we put in writing specifically what the fund could be used for, agreed that anything outside that list would need to be approved by both of us, and that if the account is dissolved, we each get back what we put in and we split any interest evenly.

We each pay in 35% of our incomes. Because of the difference in our incomes, about 80% of the fund ultimately come from my income, which I think is reasonable because we’re a team, we’re building a life together, and the difficulties of my job invariably affect him too.

(2) We create other joint savings accounts as needed for new projects, each the same way - with a written agreement as to what they can be used for. We have one for the house (each pay 20% of our incomes) and one for the wedding (each pay 10%).

(3) We each get to keep the remaining 35% for our personal spending. My fiancé does not have that much left over - he has some taken out pre-taxes for a 401k and he uses the rest for his car and a few hobbies.

Right now he voluntarily went part-time because his work place was going to need to fire people if they didn’t get volunteers due to the current situation, and we’re in a good position otherwise, so he has pretty much no disposable income.

I have a ton, but it goes mostly toward yearly vacations for us, my student loans (I’m paying twice what is owed each month to pay them down), my retirement account, an account set up for my parents future expenses, and my car payments. Right now it is also going toward helping with his car payments and hobbies.

So yes, I could cut back on certain things and be able to pay for his friend, but it would affect those other things that I’ve worked hard for. I realize this system would not work for everyone, but it works for us, and I am definitely not financially abusing my fiancé.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Talking about a wedding planning gone wrong, this work is not just about witchcraft but also a test of values ​​and companionship in the relationship. The woman who refuses to spend money on Tom is not being stingy, but is protecting her priorities and acting in this area. Tom says Perfect driving and not having a job, in stark contrast to her hard work and financial discipline, she creates not only worries about money but also doubts her ability to evaluate the position of her fiancé.

Financial disagreements often hide a deeper independence in values. When the fiancé wants to use the money to buy a house to help Tom, without agreeing to it in advance, he is putting your situation above their common goals. This makes her believe in the consensus in the relationship shake, especially when Tom is not just a one-time troublemaker but has a bad habit of continuing.

This conflict is not uncommon in couples about to get married. Many couples face financial stress when loyalty to one side jeopardizes the common good. Her statement that Tom cannot be best man despite being unable to support himself, despite the heat, is a way to emphasize the need for unity in the biggest decisions. It’s not just about Tom, but about whether they both have the same vision for the future.

To solve this, experts recommend that the couple needs to come up with a brand based on both of their values. She might suggest that the marriage partner use personal funds to support Tom’s travel, but stay home. Premarital counseling will help them clarify their priorities and avoid recurring conflicts.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Redditors mostly applauded the fiancée’s firm stance on protecting their house fund, noting that drawing clear financial boundaries—especially when a friend’s own reckless choices are to blame—is both reasonable and responsible.

Many agreed that covering medical bills for someone who repeatedly drives drunk crosses into “too far,” and suggested emotional support rather than a cash bailout. A smaller contingent felt that helping Tom afford travel to the wedding (but not his medical bills) could have been a fair compromise. A few warned that barring him from best‑man duties might signal deeper trust issues. Overall, the consensus: honest communication and balanced give‑and‑take are key.

JackNotName − NTA You need to sit your fiancé down and tell him point blank that he is asking his fiancee to sacrifice her values and risk the down payment for your future house for a man who frequently drives drunk and is currently in a situation of his own making.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to remain friends with someone who drives drunk. Putting your own life in danger, I don't really care, but risking other people's lives? That makes you among the lowest of the low in my mind.. Your fiancé needs a serious reevaluation of his morals.

jayelwhitedear − My question is why is this all falling on YOUR shoulders? If Drunk Tom wants to attend your wedding and stand by your fiance that badly, surely Drunk Tom can find some other means of making that happen besides the Bank of Red 2 Blue?

JMLKO − NTA this is more than him just being the best man at your wedding. It's you financing his bad decision to drive a motorcycle drunk. No way your married life should start off with a loan to him that impacts your ability to get a house, which you both saved for. It's not your responsibility to carry him financially.

OshetDeadagain − I have to go with NTA. I would do the same in your shoes. You're justified in your stance and it's unreasonable to take from your shared wedding and house fund to pay for medical expenses AND travel. If your husband doesn't want to/can't use his own money for it, then I'm with you - his friend made his own bed, he can lay in it.

Samanthuh-maybe − NAH. You need to sit him down and explain how joint finances work. Sometimes the two of you will decide to invest in someone - situations like this - knowing it’ll be at a loss. Like helping your parents get into nursing homes down the line.

That’s an altruistic investment that won’t be returned, but you do it anyway because it’s the right thing to do. There’s nothing wrong with that, or with helping out a friend who won’t be able to return the favor, etc. That’s what your fiancé thinks is happening, you’re investing in someone because it’s the right thing to do.

But that’s not what’s happening, and there *is* something wrong with both parties not consenting to the investment. This dude is just a bad investment. Drunk drivers that repeat their mistake over and over are displaying a complete lack of regard for their own lives and the lives of others, their own finances, freedom, and future as well as that of others.

This isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice being made and that choice can reliably tell you that this won’t be the last time you’ll go out of pocket for this dude. You’re not a bank or his parents, you’re his friends. Your job is to be there for him emotionally, encourage him to improve, and wish him well - not fund his f**k ups.

It sounds cold and harsh but this is your life together. You need to prioritize what’s most important, and a guy that doesn’t even value his own life over a good time is not more important than your own future.

Buy your house and enjoy your wedding, if he wants to come that badly then he will take complete responsibility for himself and make that happen. If he can’t, that’s not your fault or your problem. Fiancé needs to prioritize you and accept that.

--nEgativezEro-- − ESH. First and foremost, obviously, is Tom. Repeatedly driving drunk on a motorcycle is just immensely stupid. Secondly your husband. Impacting your savings so heavily is a foolish move, and it's not selfish or cruel to put your entire future on hold so you can pay for his friend's mistakes.

Lastly on you. You're obviously mostly in the right here, but I don't necessarily agree with refusing to let him come to the wedding at all. Paying for your whole family to come, as well as a friend too, is pretty unfair to your fiance.

While at face value it's fair that you're both contributing an equal percentage of your paychecks, your higher earnings allows you more freedom to do things you want that he's unable to do.

You paying for multiple people while he's not allowed to pay for his expected best man is really unfair, and brings an unfortunate power dynamic with the finances that could be tricky once married.

I feel the best compromise is to agree to paying for his travel and lodging arrangements as you're doing for your family. Paying for any of his medical bills should come solely from any of your fiance's

pinap45454 − ESH/NTA. You don't get to choose his best man, I feel like these issues come up a lot and I think folks tend to gloss over the significant underlying issues often present in these situations and instead focus on the objective merits of their grievances with the individual at issue.

The real issue is that your fiancé is devoted to an individual you don't like or respect for what seem to be some pretty valid reasons (e.g. drunk driving, treats your fiancé poorly). We don't need to love or understand the all of our partner's friends and relationships, but a disagreement of this caliber, especially over a non family member, is a red flag.

Ultimately, this is an issue of values and I would really encourage you to work through this with your partner before getting married. You of course are not obligated to pay this person's medical bills or for him to travel to your wedding.

You also have the right to be clear with your fiancé that you take issue with him using his own money for this purpose to the extent it has any impact on you, for instance increasing your own financial burden with regards to the wedding.

[Reddit User] − NTA - it's not your responsibility to use your hard earned savings to pay for a drunk driver's mistake. However, I think it would be fair that if you guys are paying for your teacher friend, then you can pay for his best man to attend. I just don't think he deserves the extra money for the hospital bills.

TrashyMF − NTA, his friend is irresponsible. Your fiance should use his personal savings, not your shared savings.

BexW858 − YTA Think I’m bucking the trend with this opinion, and whilst I understand your stance and if your future husband wanted to help his friend financially for virtually any other reason than attend your wedding and be his best man, I’d be completely on your side.

This guy is your fiancés best friend; yes he needs to grow up and yes he’s in hospital with mounting medical bills because he was a d**che and deserves no sympathy. But your fiancé is not asking you to use your house deposit savings to cover medical bills or pay for mates frivolous lifestyle.

If hed of been sober and came of the bike would you still have the same opinion about the money? You have a clear dislike for this guy, I doubt you want him at the wedding let alone best man and he’s given you the perfect out. You haven’t said how long they’ve known each other and been best mates?

Don’t make your fiancé chose between you and him as you might not like the answer! If he does chose you, I give your marriage 5 years before the resentment really takes a hold and destroys it

This wedding fund fight has turned a best man choice into a battle over trust and priorities. The woman’s refusal to bankroll Tom’s trip protects their future but risks her fiancé’s lifelong friendship.

Was she wrong to shut down the plan and question Tom’s role, or is she right to guard their savings? Should they compromise or stand firm? Share your thoughts—how would you handle a partner’s loyalty to a reckless friend? Let’s unpack this prenuptial drama.

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