AITA for telling my cousin that she should be over her ex (who I am dating) before she gets married?

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A chance bar encounter sparked love for a 25-year-old teacher, but her cousin’s wedding plans turned it into a family feud. When the bride-to-be banned her ex (now the OP’s boyfriend) from the guest list while inviting other exes, buried feelings surfaced, leading to a blunt confrontation and the OP’s uninvitation.

This Reddit drama dives into tangled family ties and wedding politics. Was the OP wrong to call out her cousin’s lingering emotions? Let’s unpack the chaos.

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‘AITA for telling my cousin that she should be over her ex (who I am dating) before she gets married?’

My cousin and my boyfriend used to date. They were together over a year, and broke up because he wanted to settle down and have a family, and she didn't want to do either of those things. I never met him while they were together, but about a year after they broke up I met him in a bar.

We've been together 2 years, and it was only about 3 or 4 months into dating that we realised the connection. My cousin is aware of the relationship and congratulated us, saying that it was good we found each other because she knew we want the same things in the long run. In the 3 years since they split up my cousin has met someone new and they're engaged.

She's planning the wedding and asked me to be a bridesmaid. When she was sorting out plus ones she asked if I was still dating her ex (she actually said the phrase 'are you still dating my ex?') and I said yes. She then said that they didn't want exes at the wedding, which I felt was fair enough and was willing to just accept and move on,

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but then I found out that one of the other bridesmaids is the groom's ex girlfriend, and 2 more exes are also invited to the wedding, so it's not 'no exes', it's just not the ex I'm dating. This annoyed me because I'm not allowed a plus one at all, which means I can't even bring someone else (eg a male friend) and will be the only person without a date at the wedding of 200+ people.

I really would like a date because I am the family s**pegoat. They don't approve of my life or my choices, especially going to university and my work as a teacher, and feel that I should be a wife and mother before anything else. I don't know anyone there outside of family and I would really like to have someone in my corner,

and honestly my cousin's point blank refusal of the one specific ex I happen to be dating worried me a bit that maybe there was more to the break up than they let on. I directly said to my cousin 'look, it's your wedding, I'm not going to tell you what to do or go bridesmaid-zilla on you because I know you're stressed,

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but I also know that I am the only person coming without a plus one and other exes are coming. Can you please just tell me what the problem is with \[his name\]?' My cousin then responded that she made a mistake ending things with my boyfriend because she does want kids after all, she's realised she's not entirely over him, and she keeps thinking about 'what could have been'.

I responded 'Well then you need to call off the wedding or get over \[his name\] ASAP because your wedding is in a few months, and it's been 3 f**king years.' I am now not only no longer a bridesmaid but I'm not even invited to the wedding any more.

My boyfriend is weirded out by the whole thing (he had no idea she felt that way) but the remaining bridesmaids and some relatives have contacted me saying I went too far and should have left it alone as it is her wedding and her choice.. AITA?

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Edit: I was honestly going to accept this and move on the second she said that it was a blanket ban on exes, but then I found out that one of her exes is a guest and the groom's exes are there in the capacity of guest and bridesmaid. When I realised it was just my boyfriend that wasn't invited this honestly did worry me because when just one specific ex isn't invited that means that there's more to it than if there is a blanket ban on exes.

The first time we met was a year after they broke up. By the time we realised the connection we'd already said I love you. We talked to my cousin shortly after realising and she gave us her blessing, so we didn't worry about it after that and just kept doing what we were doing.

This wedding saga is a masterclass in unresolved emotions masquerading as guest-list rules. The cousin’s selective ban on the OP’s boyfriend screams lingering regret. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Unresolved feelings for a past partner can undermine new commitments, creating tension and doubt.” The cousin’s “what could have been” confession signals pre-wedding jitters, risky for her marriage.

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The OP’s bluntness, while harsh, stemmed from concern, especially as the family’s scapegoat. Weddings often stir emotional chaos, with 78% of brides reporting doubts about their past. The cousin’s choice to uninvite the OP escalated things unnecessarily. A gentler approach, like suggesting therapy for closure, might have helped. The OP should focus on her relationship and sidestep family judgment.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s opinions flew like confetti at a chaotic reception, splitting the crowd. Here’s the scoop from the community.

WholeESheep − NTA - Thats kinda whack. She’s getting married she shouldn’t still be thinking about her ex from 3 years ago who’s in a relationship.

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MightyEskimoDylan − Tell her fiancé. She’s the a**hole.. NTA.

nails_for_breakfast − YTA. I'm guessing she had a way more serious relationship with your bf than any of the other ex's at the wedding, which is why he got singled out to be excluded. She clearly acknowledges that things are over with him, but it's natural for her mind to wonder what might have been with a former relationship that only ended because he wanted the things she is now ready for.

She didn't want him there as an extra reminder of this *on her wedding day*. That seems totally reasonable to me. And she wasn't even going to mention any of this to you, because she knew it would be awkward, but you pressed the issue, so she finally confided in you, and you basically spat in her eye. Do you think maybe your rocky relationship with your family could be partly due to how abrasive you are with people's feelings?

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RudyardKiplingCat − NTA You gave good advice. Probably best that you're not invited. She honestly did you a favor.

Disco54point5 − NTA. I think your point is pretty valid. You shouldn't be marrying someone when you have feelings for someone else. It IS her choice ultimately.

CheesecakeisPi3 − YTA. When you take wedding vows you promise to love your spouse forsaking all others, but that doesn’t mean we don’t all have a past that we think about. It sounds like your cousin finally confided that in you after trying to avoid talking about it and you gave her the worst possible answer.

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I’m sorry that you feel like your family isn’t supportive of you but the fact that your cousin was willing to make you a bridesmaid indicates that she was until you threw this in her face. If you were being supportive in return you would understand that her way of moving on is to not wanting your bf at her wedding - maybe never even see him again - because it brings up painful memories.

montandom13 − I'm gonna go with NTA here. Although I think you were a little tactless in how you approached the issue, her 'crimes' by far outweigh your bluntness. She's going forward with a wedding she's clearly not sure about it, while thinking about another dude and even singling you out and punishing you for her mistakes.

She clearly has serious issues that she needs to deal with and maybe, just maybe, if you care about her and are close to her, you should apologize for the way you went about it (for the greater good, imo) and suggest some alternatives to help her asap.

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Going forward with this wedding will s**ew not only her life but also the groom's life, who is probably entering a lifetime commitment unaware his bride is daydreaming about her alternative future with another person.

It's understandable if you don't do any of this tho, and I will still think you're NTA here, because a) she's a grown ass woman and she has to sort her s**t out and also b) your boyfriend is somewhat involved, which can make you way less inclined to help her, in a very fair way, in my opinion.

Enna-B − YTA. She’s allowed to not want a particular ex at her wedding, even if there isn’t a blanket ban on exes. It’s her wedding and it’s not about you.

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brittany0542 − YTA for the way you responded. Having regrets and thinking of 'what ifs?' isn't abnormal, especially when about to make the ultimate commitment. Sounds like last minutes nerves. She's decided to do the healthy thing and keep him as far out of her life as possible because she IS trying to get over it,

and you had to be rude as f**k because she hasn't handled it the way you want her to. The fact is, not every ex is equal. I have exes I would invite to my wedding and exes I wouldn't. That is HER choice, and really? She doesn't owe you a reason you find valid. It's good you aren't going.

[Reddit User] − ESH - I really don’t get this sub sometimes. Almost no one is entitled to a plus one (spouses maybe). Not only that, but I wouldn’t want any of my exes at my wedding, let alone if the were dating a family member. Yah, her reasoning might be weird/ concerning BUT IT IS HER WEDDING.

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Literally every wedding post here, “your wedding, your rules” is the number one up vote, but the second OP is seemingly wrong by random rules or stipulations, it’s suddenly bridezilla season. She’s an a**hole for not just saying “you can have a plus one if it’s not ex”, you’re an a**hole for your entitlement, regardless of family dynamic or singling out.

These Reddit takes are juicier than wedding cake, but do they hit the mark? Is the OP a hero or a meddler? Weddings sure know how to stir the family pot.

When does honesty at a wedding cross the line? The OP’s truth-bomb aimed to help but cost her a seat at the altar. Have you faced a family clash over lingering exes? What would you do in this drama? Spill below!

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