AITA for telling my birth mom & brother no to living with me?

Growing up, I was removed from my birth mother’s care due to severe abuse, and I was eventually adopted. As an adult now, my relationship with my birth mom and my 18-year-old autistic brother is minimal—they rarely call or spend time with me, and I’ve built my own family away from that painful past. Recently, when my birth mom mentioned she might face eviction, she suggested she come live with me.

Things escalated when she also hinted that if something happened to her, my brother could come live with us. With a small home and young children to protect, I firmly said no. Although I feel guilty for setting these boundaries, I have to prioritize my children’s safety and my family’s well-being over reconnecting with people who have never truly been there for me.

‘AITA for telling my birth mom & brother no to living with me?’

Family therapist Dr. Eleanor Marks explains that setting boundaries is a crucial part of healing from past trauma. “When you’ve experienced neglect and abuse, it’s essential to establish clear limits on who enters your personal space,” she notes. In my situation, my birth mom’s sporadic contact and unresolved issues mean that her re-entry into my life could disrupt the stability I’ve worked hard to build.

Dr. Jason Reed, a specialist in blended family dynamics, adds, “When you choose to keep certain family members at a distance for the sake of your children’s well-being, you’re not being ungrateful—you’re being responsible.” He emphasizes that while it can be painful to deny someone the opportunity to reconnect, protecting young minds from a history of instability is paramount.

Sociologist Dr. Anita Carter also points out that healthy boundaries in adult relationships—especially with family members who have a history of neglect—are necessary for long-term emotional wellness. “You have every right to decide who becomes part of your home, especially when past interactions have shown a lack of support,” she states.

Finally, counselor Vanessa Moore reminds us that while our innate desire to reach out to our birth parents can be strong, it’s equally important to acknowledge when that outreach might cause more harm than good. “Your decision reflects a mature understanding of your own needs and those of your children,” she concludes.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit community has overwhelmingly supported my stance. Comments like, “She’s still an addict—no way is she coming to live with you or affecting your kids’ lives,” and “NTA—you’re protecting your family. Your birth mom and brother have been absent for years,” have resonated with many.

Users emphasized that my boundaries are not about rejecting my birth family out of spite, but rather about preserving a safe, stable environment for my children. Some also advised that if I continue to engage, I might only invite more drama into our lives. The consensus is clear: my decision to say no is both reasonable and necessary.

Ultimately, I stand by my decision to keep my birth mom and brother out of my home. While it’s painful to deny a part of my past the opportunity to re-enter my life, protecting my children and maintaining a stable environment is non-negotiable. I have every right to establish boundaries that keep my family safe and my home a place of healing. How would you handle a situation where past family trauma clashes with present-day responsibilities? Share your thoughts below.