AITA for saying my daughter’s friend can’t come back to our house until I’ve spoken to her parents?

A parent noticed their 12-year-old daughter’s new friend, a 13-year-old girl, showing up unannounced way too often, pushing boundaries, and raising some serious red flags about her home life. Things boiled over when the mom laid down the law: no more visits until she talks to the girl’s parents. This setup tugs at anyone who’s worried about kids blending friends into family life while spotting potential trouble.

Truly, it’s a tough spot – wanting to keep your home safe but wondering if a child needs help. Social media users weighed in heavily, sharing raw experiences that flipped the script on the situation. The worry built over months, leaving the family divided on how to handle a girl who seems desperate for a stable spot.

AITA for saying my daughter’s friend can’t come back to our house until I’ve spoken to her parents?

The friendship started innocently enough at a summer dance program.

My daughter “CC” (12) met this girl, I’ll call her Katie (13) at a summer intensive dance programme in August. Katie seemed like a nice enough kid, and for the...

Katie began appearing randomly, often at odd times, and overstaying without clear parental oversight.

Katie and CC don’t go to the same school, in fact Katie’s school is quite far from us and she lives near there, apparently. I say apparently because Katie just...

She says she takes the bus for about 45 minutes, but she’ll appear at weird hours, like 7.30 am on a Saturday. She also comes over after school some days,

which I don’t mind but we have a rule that no one stays past 6 on a school night, which is a boundary she routinely pushes. She’s getting very comfortable...

such as coming for a sleepover with a suitcase of clothes and asking our helper to do her laundry (some of which I’m pretty sure isn’t even hers), or inviting...

And the biggest thing is I’m pretty sure she’s stealing from our house. We have a store room full of stuff we buy in bulk and take to bathrooms and...

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Now, I’m not counting our things like a crazy person, but I know generally what we use and what’s going down quicker than usual.

The total lack of contact with Katie’s parents became the main issue.

And I guess the big red flag and the reason I’m making these posts is I’ve never seen or heard from this girl’s parents. She came to the dance classes...

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she comes and goes from our house by herself, never has invited CC over because she says she shares a room with her brother. If I ever ask to speak...

and they’re not home/at work/at a function and can’t talk. I’ve let it go for now because I’m trying to be sensitive to the fact that not all parents have...

and some parents are more free range. My husband, who spent his teenage years away from home for days at a time, says it can happen in some families and...

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The breaking point came after a weekend visit that dragged on.

But the final straw for me was last weekend. I went away for a few days, came back Sunday afternoon, and Katie had been there since Friday.

She asked to stay another night to which we said no because we don’t do sleepovers on school nights. She just didn’t leave and stayed for dinner.

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I asked if she was going to be okay taking the bus home or if she wanted a ride or to call her parents, to which she said her parents...

Apparently her brother was in charge at home. This was it for me. Now, I love my husband, and I know he’s a safe person, but here’s a teenage girl...

and age where most people aren’t even letting their kids have sleepovers, and the parents don’t even know. I just feel like this opened us up to crazy liabilities.

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I was kind of glad Katie didn’t call her parents because I’d have no idea who would be turning up on my doorstep or if they’re even okay that their...

It just put in perspective to me that I’m not okay with this complete lack of communication.

The mom set a firm boundary, sparking family tension.

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I told CC that next time Katie comes over I will need to speak to her mother before she comes or she’s not allowed. I just feel I need to...

Katie’s parents could be totally normal people who are just busy, that’s fine, I just need to know whose kid is in my house. By the same token, if there...

I have zero information about them to hand over to relevant agencies. I just need something to go off. And if god forbid their kid slips and falls in my...

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My daughter thinks I’m being unfair and overbearing. My husband is supporting me but privately said there’s a ton of reasons a kid would be embarrassed of their parents and...

He is all for stricter rules on Katie coming over but says I need to drop the parent condition. I’m not trying to be over the top and nosey, I’m...

I just want to be sure that the adults know where their kid is and that they’re okay with her being there. Is that too much to ask? Am I...

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This dilemma highlights the clash between protecting your family and recognizing when a child might need support from a tough home. On one hand, parents absolutely deserve to know who’s in their house and set rules for safety. On the other, behaviors like frequent unannounced visits, overstaying, and possible taking of essentials often point to deeper issues like neglect or instability.

These cases bring up key themes around child welfare, parental responsibility, and when adults should step in. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes emotion coaching in parenting: “When parents offer their children empathy and help them to cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection.”

Practical moves include talking gently with the child to build trust, contacting the school counselor for insight, or reaching out to child welfare pros anonymously first. Document worries calmly, offer stable support if safe, and prioritize the kids’ well-being through open family chats.

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Check out how the community responded:

Many folks urged seeing the signs of a struggling kid, sharing personal stories of similar “Katys.”

Charliefisk − A very independent 13 yr old who seemingly comes and goes as she pleases, plus was part of your daughter’s dance class in an outreach program via a...

Have you spoken to Katie about things, like built up some trust, so she feels you are a safe person to come to not only for physical safety but emotional...

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MaryEFriendly − My best friend was like Katie, in high school, because her family had zero food and zero money. She came from an intensely poor background

and there were times she'd go days without eating. So we fed her. This situation screams food insecure/poverty stricken little girl looking for a safe place to land.

BlondeAmbition93 − From the age of 13 - 17, I lived without adult supervision; I had nothing to eat and would often spend whole weekends at my bestfriends place.

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I was malnourished, neglected, regularly assaulted at home, and her house was home to me. The last time I visited, my mother travelled 1200km to find me as nobody had...

and my older sister called the police days prior. I was a missing person case for a good 4 days there. .. lol My mother found me and my friend...

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Mum got out of the car and started screaming at us. Then, I was moved up to live with her and raise my younger brothers (who she inexplicably won back...

My older sister apologised to me when we were in our twenties. She said she should have phoned CPS and had my twin sister and I taken into Foster care

(we were bastards and were left to fend for ourselves; our half-siblings had their dad's to rely on) Anyway, in 2022 (after a decade out of touch), my high school...

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She told me that her parents were going to invite me to move in with them, but it never happened. I never finished highshool. The life I had lived would...

This girl is a child, and if she is just coming and going at all hours, then it is entirely possible that she is suffering n__lect. Rather than complain about...

MinuteVegetable7271 − As a child of addicts, I relate to Katie. I would bounce around from friends house to friends house all throughout my childhood.

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My friends parents would send an extra lunch to school for me, they gave me a bed and a dresser, s__t they even bought me school clothes.

I’m not friends with these people anymore but their families hold a special place in my heart. My parents never cared where I was and my friends parents never asked.

In retrospect they should’ve contacted CPS, but instead they provided me stability that I didn’t have at home.

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As a parent myself, if I was faced with this situation I’d try to create a relationship with the child so they’d confide in me. You never know the backlash...

tabletopcats − I was 'Katie'. Home life was a mess and I eventually ended up in foster care. Before that, I regularly overstayed my welcome at my friends houses, sometimes...

There were times when I would go for a sleepover on Friday, and my friends parents would spend Saturday, Sunday and sometimes Monday trying to reach my parents without success.

CPS was involved a few times but my parents always had an imaginary crisis and a way with words. I didn't talk to my friends about it or their parents,...

Sometimes I would come over and my clothes, especially socks would smell so putrid that friends parents would make me change into friends clothes or pajamas

and wash my stuff while we hung out. Sometimes my friend's would sneak me back in if their parents said I had to go home. I'd wait HOURS outside until...

It was my 'normal'. When I hit 8th grade, I had one friend I was extremely close with. I started to trust her and her mom. Her mom never made...

and never got mad when my parents wouldn't show up or answer, she'd just say something like 'woohoo! looks like another sleepover kid'.

I eventually opened up to her mom about my life a little at a time. I trusted her and I felt that maternal love for the first time in my...

When 8th grade was done and summer started, she stopped trying to get a hold of my parents at all and before I knew it, about 3 weeks had passed

and I hadn't heard from ANYONE in my family. Without me knowing, my friend's mom went through the steps to have herself approved as a foster parent.

We had a 'big talk' one night which led to me admitting I wasn't safe at home. This is what she was waiting for. For me to come to her,...

We eventually met with CPS together at her house and for the first time, I told my story. All of it. I was temporarily placed in a group home while...

Not my parents house, but home. My friend's home, with her and her mother. My parents didn't bother to fight for me or meet with CPS again after the first...

With the kindness of my friend and her mom, my grades went up, I made friends, I felt safe enough to try sports and find hobbies. I was well rested...

I graduated HS without my biological parents present, I was accepted into my first choice university, graduated university and started my career.

I'm still working in my chosen field with a family of my own and guess where we go for holidays and Sunday dinners? With my friend and her mom.

Kindness and an open heart can change the entire trajectory of a kids life. Talk to her, she could be dealing with s__t you couldn't even fathom and having someone,...

Others suggested practical steps like involving professionals discreetly.

AsethDearnight − It sounds to me like Katie might be in a bad situation and is looking for a safe space in your home. Abusive parents is the first thing...

Document your concerns, and you could get in touch with local child welfare organisations to share your concerns.

meli-the-catlady − If you know what school Katie goes to call and speak to the school counselor about your concerns there is a good chance that she is on their...

I can think of a few scenarios that she is dealing with 1 abusive parents 2 her family is homeless 3 her parents don’t pay close attention to her maybe...

Minus the pushing boundaries about staying is she a good kid or are you concerned about her influence on CC ?

Sea-Operation-6123 − Not sure why you’re putting the responsibility on your 12 yr old to manage the situation. Why don’t you just drive her home & introduce yourself to the...

Or ask Katie for her parent’s phone numbers. Does the dance teacher or any of the other parents know anything about Katie’s parents?

WerewolfThink1070 − There are several red flags here. I don't thing YTA, but you maybe are a bit more focused on the details and not the big picture.

A bit clueless maybe. This girl is coming over, likely, because she has nowhere to go, or home isn't safe. I know it certainly feels like she's imposing herself on...

but her reality may be more based in survival mode than delinquency. Speaking to her parents about these things may be dangerous to her health and safety,

and she may not confess if you confront her directly-- your track record, after all, has thus far been one of annoyance.

I recommend talking to your daughter about your concerns, and frame it like you're worried that she may not have a safe place to go home to (which you should...

Your daughter likely wants to help her friend too. Be on her side. If nothing further comes of that, or you do learn something troubling, call CPS.

There may be blow back, but this is a potentially neglectful situation at bare minimum. Best of luck.

Awkward_Profile_7410 − I think she’s homeless and using your house as a safe place. You need to do more investigating.

A couple shared how helping changed lives, without direct confrontation.

DontKnowAnythiing − As a former homeless teen, this screams homeless or at least horrible home life to me.

I wouldn't be where I am if a friend's family hadn't taken me in on and off when I needed it. Not saying you need to, that was just my...

Fast_Question4794 − Whilst I understand every concern you have, this is seriously messed up. A 12 year old doesn't turn up at your door, and not want to go home...

Her parents may not be around and she is being card for by her brother, he may be abusing her, anything could be happening. Does your daughter know anything?

She may know but have been sworn to secrecy. Does she know where she lives? Have you asked Katie any questions?

Ask her questions framed as getting to know her, if she is reluctant or evasive then I think at that point you either tell Katie that you worried

and scared she's in a bad situation and want to help her or get the authorities involved. I'd rather be wrong and cause an argument than be right and do...

This is a difficult dilemma for you, I don't envy the situation you've been put in, but if you have any inkling that this young girl is at risk, then...

victims of any abuse will cover it up and deny it because any family is better than none at all, or she may not want to cause further problems at...

But I do think your daughter has some idea of what's going on, she won't say as she thinks it will be a betrayal of her friend.

You need to impress on your daughter that keeping quiet in these situations is not betraying a friend, it's helping a kid who can't help herself.

Let's hope we are all wrong, but this behaviour is not normal and I feel something is happening that a young girl doesn't want to go home.

Reemixt − When I was growing up my family acquired two kids at different points, one was my friend, the other my brother’s. They outstayed their welcome most of the...

They were staying with us, eating with us, and going where we go. Essentials they were without were purchased, their clothes and school uniforms were washed at our house.

I didn’t know what was going on at the time, but both had really difficult home lives, one guy’s parents were alcoholics, severely neglected.

The other had a step dad who was just horrible to him and his mum was, I presume, unable to stand up to him or just didn’t care. My parents...

I don’t know if my parents ever discussed it, but they did this for them without ever complaining to us, interacting with their parents, or ever making them feel unwelcome.

This *did* put a great deal of strain on my already very busy parents. But I’m so proud of them now that I’m old enough to rationalise things.

I’m not saying you should, but if you *can* help this girl it would be an awesome thing to do.

I would avoid the parents, they’re very clearly unfit parents to not even care where their little girl is and I bet that if they knew how close they are...

and your family they would resent it and try to shut it down. Closing the only lifeline she has. If you know what school she goes to, I would discreetly...

tarnishau14 − My son had a friend like this. His mother was on drugs. He was being neglected and occasionally abused at home. Please think carefully before you ban this...

Chance_Tax_6238 − Yes, YTA. Because you refuse to see the forest for the trees. Katie is in trouble. Instead of worrying about your stolen toiletries,

you should be worrying about this other human life which is likely hanging by a thread. Don't try to contact her parents. Nothing good will come of that. In fact,...

For our immediate purposes, Katie's parents do not exist. She is just a child. A hungry child who is alone in the world trying to adult at 13.

What happens to her in the next 12 months will have an enormous effect on her trajectory in life, and likely on her lifespan. Open your eyes. She doesn't go...

She doesn't *go* to school. Her home isn't "near there". She doesn't have a home. Her parents aren't busy. They are high or just gone. Her brother isn't in charge,...

There is no house. There is no car. There is no refrigerator. There is no cupboard. There is no pantry. There is no couch. There is no bed.

There is no roof over her head. There is no parents phone number to give you. Her parents do not care that she is there. They likely don't care what...

She feels safe at your place because *her parents don't know who you are or where your house is*.

Your insistence on meeting her parents is a threat to her security. You need a new approach. Drop the parents thing. You will probably never meet them.

Instead of thinking of sending her away as sending her "back to her house" think of it as sending her to walk the streets endlessly until its 7am and she...

Think of it as sending her out to be hungry and alone and unsafe and then ask yourself if she really needs to leave or if maybe just maybe she...

nd wash her clothes and help with the chores and have a plate at dinner and crash on the couch. And maybe she finds herself back in school. And maybe...

This story underscores how good intentions can clash when red flags point to a child in need versus household boundaries. Everyone agrees safety matters, but many feel empathy and quiet help could make a real difference without cutting off support. Have you ever dealt with a friend’s kid who seemed off? Would you reach out to pros or handle it privately?

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