AITA for refusing to send my daughter to public school or ask my BIL to pay for my step kids to go to private school?

Jonathan Hours
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Picture a bustling family dinner, where dreams of opportunity clash with demands for fairness. A young mother, who clawed her way through single parenthood with her sister’s support, now faces a marital standoff. Her daughter thrives in a top-tier private school, funded by her generous brother-in-law. But her new husband’s ultimatum—yank her daughter to public school or beg for his kids’ tuition—has ignited a firestorm of resentment and loyalty.

This Reddit tale simmers with the tension of blended families and unspoken expectations. Her refusal to budge, rooted in a fierce desire to secure her daughter’s future, has readers buzzing. With a dash of humor and a heap of heart, this story invites us to weigh fairness against ambition in a home where love and obligation collide.

‘AITA for refusing to send my daughter to public school or ask my BIL to pay for my step kids to go to private school?’

I (25F) have a daughter (8F). I had her when I was very young and her father was never in the picture. My older sister (34F) and her husband (39M) have helped me a lot. Raising my daughter alone and going to college would have been impossible without them. My sister is a SAHM and my BIL is quite wealthy due to his family business.

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They pay for my daughter to go to the same private school as their kids (11M, 8F, and 6F). It’s very expensive but my BIL can afford it and I’m very grateful to them for giving my daughter more opportunities. I recently got married and my husband (36M) has three daughters (12, 9, 7).

They go to our local public school, which is good but not as good as the private school my daughter goes to. Last night he told me that he thinks it isn’t fair that my daughter goes to a 40k/year private school while his daughters have to go to public school. He said that next year I need to either send my daughter to public school or ask my BIL to pay for his daughters to go to private school.

I told him that I’m not doing that because I want my daughter to have all the opportunities I didn’t have (I went to a s**tty inner city public school) and my BIL can’t afford to send seven kids to private school. He got mad at me and said that our kids are siblings now and everything needs to be equal between them. AITA?

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This family feud over school choices isn’t just about tuition—it’s a clash of values in a blended family. The mother’s stance protects her daughter’s opportunities, but her husband’s demand for “equality” reveals a deeper entitlement. Marriage therapist Dr. Susan Heitler explains, “Blended families thrive on clear boundaries and mutual respect, not ultimatums” (Psychology Today). His post-marriage demand suggests a lack of pre-wedding alignment, a common pitfall in new unions.

The husband’s push for equal treatment ignores the unique histories of each child. A 2022 study from the Journal of Family Issues found that 60% of blended family conflicts stem from perceived favoritism (Springer Link). Here, his daughters’ public school, while solid, doesn’t match the private school’s prestige, fueling his ego-driven demand. Yet, expecting a BIL to fund three more kids—$120,000 annually—is unrealistic and presumptuous.

This reflects a broader issue: navigating financial disparities in blended families. The mother’s gratitude for her BIL’s generosity is personal, tied to years of support, not an open wallet for new stepkids. Dr. Heitler advises open dialogue to align expectations, noting that fairness doesn’t mean identical outcomes but equitable consideration.

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Advice: The couple should discuss their values calmly, perhaps with a counselor, to align on family priorities. The husband could explore scholarships or side hustles to fund private school if it’s his goal.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s armchair experts dished out a buffet of spicy opinions, from red-flag warnings to outright gasps at the husband’s audacity. Here’s a taste of their unfiltered takes:

Cocoasneeze − NTA Did your new husband express any of these thoughts and entitlement before you married him? If not, it's a HUGE red flag that he's getting this attitude right after you married him. The thing is, legally he has no rights whatsoever. But it might be good idea for you to keep an eye on his changing attitude in general, because it's bound to happen with other things too.

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teresajs − NTA. This is really the kind of thing your husband should have mentioned before the two of you married. Something about the phrase 'the kids are siblings and everything needs to be equal between them' is throwing up red flags for me. Even between full siblings, things aren't equal. You can aim for fair, but you can't ever achieve equal.

Like... Think about trying to spend equal amounts of money on two different children for Christmas gifts; it's impossible. So, I think my feeling is that the 'convince your BIL to pay for my kids' school' could be part of a bigger issue with money and entitlement.

For instance, if you've joined finances, is your income being spent on your husband and his kids? Are you being expected to take on the majority of childcare? Basically, is he taking advantage of you.

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anitarielleliphe − **No,** you are not the a-hole. Your new husband is. The fact that you think you refusing to ask your BIL to pay for your new husband's three children to attend an expensive private school could mean you are an a-hole is a huge, giant red waving flag that should be visible by the astronauts on the space station.

I am quite taken aback that your new husband sees nothing wrong with asking his new BIL to pay 120K a year to send his kids to a private school. It makes me wonder if the 'either / or' option your new husband gave you was actually a red herring because he knows that no sane, reasonable person would actually do something so unrealistic, outrageous and ridiculous.

In other words, is your new husband's goal merely for you to put your daughter in public school so that he will not have his ego bruised or feel badly that he cannot do the same for his own children? But here's the deal. That is his problem. And quite frankly, something he should have thought of and broached with you long before you two got married, though I would have said he was out of line then, too, if he had.

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It is neither fair nor kind to suggest that your child's opportunities should be diminished for any reason, even for the sake of other children. It may have been different if you married your husband when all of your children were preschool-aged and the precedent had not already been established of your daughter attending private school, but that is not what happened.

If there are other situations in which your husband behaves this way, please re-evaluate the relationship since it is so new, as it would be easier to unwind now than later. If he is selfish, inconsiderate of your daughter, has a very fragile ego that manifests in bizarre, self-centered ways, this will just be the beginning of problems with him.

rationalboundaries − NTA. Please make your sister & BIL aware that you have explicitly explained to your husband that BIL not obligated to pay tuition for 3 add'l children. Guarantee your entitled husband's next move is contacting sister and/or BIL directly. DO NOT allow this man to undermine you and your daughter's family relationships.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. He is responsible for his children's education, not you o your BIL. Your BIL kindly pays for your daughter and id in no way obligated to extend that to your husbands kids. There is no reason why you should take your kid out of her school to make your husband feel better about his own kids.

If he wants his kids to go to private school then it is up to him to pay for it, just because he can't there is no reason to wreck your daughters education. On that final point his kids and your daughter are not siblings. I have 2 step brothers and a step sister I never saw them as siblings, just friends.

KittKatt7179 − NTA. If that is what he wants for his children, then apparently, he needs to get a better job so he can provide better schooling opportunities for them.

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Guilty_Flower_8769 − NTA That's a lot of nerve. If he wants his kids to go to private school, then he or their mom can pay for it. DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT let your daughter miss a better education because he is butthurt.

ReviewOk929 − He said that next year I need to either send my daughter to public school or ask my BIL to pay for his daughters to go to private school Someone needs to tell hubbie that he doesn't get to make unilateral demands when it's not his daughter and not his money. Sheesh NTA

[Reddit User] − This kind of s**tty entitlement would make me reevaluate the whole relationship. I don't think I could look at him the same way after something like this. NTA.

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Mindless-Locksmith76 − NTA Your sister and BIL have been vested in your daughter since she was born. His children are not part of that equation. His sudden demands now that the ring is on your finger is highly suspicious. If this bothered him, shouldn't this have been discussed prior to now? Or were you just an indirect meal/school ticket for his kids?

These Reddit roasts are sizzling, but do they uncover the recipe for resolving this family drama? Is it entitlement, or a misguided plea for fairness?

This school saga boils down to a clash of gratitude and gall. The mother’s fierce commitment to her daughter’s future collides with her husband’s sudden push for parity, exposing cracks in their new marriage. Reddit’s chorus calls it entitlement, but the path forward lies in dialogue, not demands. What would you do if your spouse issued an ultimatum over your child’s opportunities? Drop your thoughts—let’s unpack this family stew!

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