AITA for refusing to reschedule a funeral?

The weight of loss hangs heavy as a family gathers to plan a father’s funeral, a moment meant for closure and remembrance. But for one mourner, the process has become a tug-of-war, with a relative demanding the funeral date shift—again—to suit distant cousins and a nephew’s holiday. After three reschedules, a frustrated “no” and a hung-up phone have left them wrestling with guilt, wondering if they’ve dishonored their dad’s memory.

This Reddit tale dives into the raw chaos of grief tangled with family politics. The mourner’s stand to keep the funeral on track, despite pushback from a sister prioritizing absent in-laws, strikes a chord for anyone who’s navigated loss under pressure. It’s a story of boundaries, love, and the messy reality of saying goodbye that’ll tug at your heartstrings.

ADVERTISEMENT

‘AITA for refusing to reschedule a funeral?’

Will try to be brief. My dad passed away and we are organising his funeral. A relative (his sister) has made numerous requests of us, amounting to changing the date of the funeral 3 times for them. The funeral director is getting increasingly annoyed and made this clear.

They have now come to me today requesting _another_ date change because two in-laws (spouses of their son and daughter, my two separate cousins) and a nephew cannot attend due to two cases of work training and a holiday respectively.

A distant relative in Australia has also mentioned they would not be able to log onto the funeral’s web livestream at that time due to having to attend a meeting. If we were to accommodate this, this would push the funeral back to late June/early July meaning we would lose out on a wake (the venue owner is a friend and has offered to cover it, within limits of course)

ADVERTISEMENT

and mean friends who’ve really stepped up for us wouldn’t be able to attend. When this was mentioned, she started saying how family are more important and it would upset my dad more if his family couldn’t be there.

One of the “family members” who can’t attend only met my dad twice. This is also the same family that have requested various add-ons (the livestream, finger printing of the deceased, extra limousines etc.) without our prior knowledge or approval.

Finally at the end of my tether I simply said I’d be inclined to move the date back to the original (early May) to save money on embalming, so it would purposefully clash with her holiday. I promptly hung up and have ignored all phone calls.. Naturally…I feel pretty f**king guilty. Am I the a**hole here?

ADVERTISEMENT

Planning a funeral is like walking a tightrope through a storm—every decision carries emotional weight. The mourner’s refusal to reschedule their father’s funeral a fourth time, after bending over backward thrice, is a stand for sanity. Their sister’s push to accommodate in-laws and a distant relative’s livestream clashed with the core purpose: honoring the deceased. Her guilt-trip about “family first” ignores that one absent relative barely knew the father.

This reflects a broader issue: managing family expectations during grief. A 2019 study by the National Funeral Directors Association found that 65% of funeral planners face pressure from relatives over logistics, often delaying closure. Grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt notes, “Funerals are for the living to process loss, not to appease every relative’s schedule” . Here, the sister’s demands for add-ons like limousines, without consent, show a focus on optics over mourning.

The mourner’s snappy retort about reverting to the original date was a heat-of-the-moment jab, but their core decision to prioritize close loved ones and a timely farewell aligns with their father’s legacy. The sister’s appeal to “family” rings hollow when vacations trump attendance. Delaying further risks losing the wake and alienating supportive friends, which would dishonor the father more.

ADVERTISEMENT

For others in this bind, experts suggest setting clear boundaries early—designate one decision-maker and communicate plans firmly. Offering a recorded livestream or a later memorial can include absent relatives without derailing the funeral. The mourner should lean on supportive friends and stick to their plan.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit gang brought their A-game, serving up a mix of empathy and righteous indignation. Here’s the unfiltered pulse from the crowd:

Arorua_Mendes − NTA. Your dad's funeral is about honoring him not juggling everyone's schedules. Stand your ground. you've been more than f**king accommodating with three changes already. Your father deserves to be laid to rest with dignity surrounded by people who genuinely cared for him.

ADVERTISEMENT

The people who stepped up deserve to be there more than those who barely knew him. Funeral arrangements aren't democratic. Your father's actual loved ones matter more. Your guilt is understandable but unnecessary. That's exactly what she's counting on. You deserve peace during this process too.

Salt-Leek-5529 − NTA.. First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Grieving is already brutal without people piling on extra drama. You’ve been incredibly patient already, three date changes to accommodate everyone else? That’s above and beyond.

A funeral is meant to honor your father’s life, not be a never-ending negotiation session to fit everyone’s vacation schedules and work trainings. Life doesn’t stop for every distant relative who wants convenience. You’re not responsible for making sure every second cousin and their in-laws can attend.

ADVERTISEMENT

You're responsible for organizing a respectful farewell for your dad, in a way that feels right to you and the people who actually supported him (and you) in life. Also, the fact that they’re trying to guilt-trip you while making expensive demands without your consent (livestreams, limos, etc.) just shows they’re more focused on appearances than on actual grief.

You didn’t 'refuse to reschedule' out of spite, you did it because enough is enough. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you an a**hole; it makes you someone who is trying to survive a painful moment without losing your sanity.

Don't feel guilty! You honored your dad by trying to include people, but ultimately, this funeral is not about accommodating every single person’s personal calendar. It's about love, memory, and respect, and you’re doing that beautifully.

ADVERTISEMENT

PotOfEarlGreyPlease − Oh my goodness, I am sorry you are having to go through this. I remember when my mum died (I was only child) how various relatively distant relatives felt that their needs were more important and that everything should revolve around them.

One second cousin I met once 40 years ago had a real sulk when the date wasn't right. Best to just pick the date that suits you and go for it - they can livestream as needed - am sure it can be recorded for those in meetings. PS don't let the FD take instructions from anyone else other than you and don't try to explain to these relatives about anything, just say 'sorry, only date we can do '

Worth-Season3645 − NTA….This is your parent’s funeral. I assume you are next of kin. Plan the funeral when it accommodates your schedule. You will not be able to please everyone and you will not be able to accommodate everyone else. What you can do, if you choose to do so, is have a memorial service a few months after the funeral.. Again, pick a date that works for you.. I very sorry for your loss.

ADVERTISEMENT

nijmeegse79 − NTA.. Sorry for your loss.. We had a ton of funerals/cremations, never did we consider others in the time/date. Direct family, like spouse and kids are important.The rest can come or stay away, their pick.

No hard feelings either if a person can't make it. Especially with livestream, you can pull back in a office or outside and follow any where.. It is about the core family, not the rest.. Wish you and the relatives lots of strength and love in the upcoming time.

k23_k23 − NTA. If her being there were important to her, she would make it a priority. YOu were crazy to reshedule THREE (!) times, don't make it any more of a habit. ONCE MIGHT have been reasonable

ADVERTISEMENT

HollyStone − NTA - This is getting unreasonable. Plan the funeral when you want it, if it matters to them they'll make their best effort to get there. (Also the finger printing seems odd. I have a paw print from my dead cat, but fingerprints of a human just seem to crime-adjacent to be a fond memory)

My-2-Sense_ − If family is supposedly so important and should take priority then why is a family member’s funeral taking second place to vacations and work???? Riddle me that. NTA

zooj7809 − Muslims bury their dead immediately. My father died at 10.16 pm. He was buried by 12pm the next day. No one waits for anyone. The message is given immediately that this pwrson has died, people try and get there on time, and if they can't they go and say a prayer at the graveyard. I am feeling so bad for youm your father deserves to be in his final resting place. Stop listening to the people who don't matter.

ADVERTISEMENT

Strange_Commercial97 − You are NTA. It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to fit everyone in, but we can't. My brother's funeral was planned on a he might make it he might not basis after we waited over a month for his body to be released - we needed something to stop the l**bo.

My gran told me not to come to hers whenever it might happen if it meant missing a holiday. She was, unusually, at a loss for words when I pointed out that she'd be dead so wouldn't have a say and we would all do what was right for us at the time!. Take a breath, remember your dad and those wonderful memories that he has left you with.

These Redditors rallied behind the mourner, blasting the sister’s entitled demands and cheering the boundary-setting. From practical tips like memorial services to quips about prioritizing holidays, the comments are a lively mix. But do their fiery takes capture the full grief-fueled mess, or are they just fueling the family feud? One thing’s clear: this funeral fiasco has sparked a heated chat.

ADVERTISEMENT

This story is a gut-wrenching reminder that grief doesn’t pause for family drama. The mourner’s stand to honor their father’s memory, even at the cost of ruffling feathers, is a testament to love and resilience. Have you ever had to draw a hard line during a tough time to protect what matters? What would you do in their place? Share your thoughts below—let’s keep this heartfelt conversation going!

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *