AITA for refusing to lower my BD’s child support?

In a quiet suburban home, a mother sips coffee, her brow furrowed as her phone buzzes with a familiar name—her ex-husband, pleading again to lower child support. The weight of their shared past hangs heavy, tangled in court orders and broken promises. She’s built a stable life for their 3-year-old daughter, but his call stirs old frustrations. Why should she ease his burden when he barely shows up for their child? Her heart races, torn between principle and pity.

This story unfolds a messy slice of modern parenting, where money and morality collide. Readers might feel her simmering anger or wonder if compassion could shift her stance. It’s a tale of standing firm in a storm of guilt trips, with a little girl’s future at stake. What happens when one parent carries the load while the other dodges it? Let’s dive into her world.

‘AITA for refusing to lower my BD’s child support?’

So, my BD is ordered to pay close to a grand in CS a month for our one child (3.5). Now, long story short, that amount was agreed upon during our divorce because he had a job at the time that could easily afford that and since he left our child home alone at 17 months, I got awarded sole legal and physical custody and he gets visitation.

This all happened around the 18 month mark of our daughter’s life. Fast forward two years, and this man has left job after job and keeps taking jobs making much less to avoid paying child support. It’s been put into the system. He’s even been to court and threatened with jail.

Now fast forward to a couple weeks ago and he called me asking me about lowering the CS. He said that they would be taking $281 from him weekly and that he would be left with basically nothing. **Side note** He owes over $15K in back pay and over $3000 in medical expenses and still hasn’t filed taxes for two years. He also hasn’t seen our daughter in over two months nor calls to check on her etc.

I’ve told him to just give away his rights but he refuses. So, I got frustrated with him and told him how I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my cool with him but him calling me and asking me this is making me mad. I’ve told him I could care less if he gets it lowered, I have a masters degree and am a gov contractor so I make good money, but that I would not be the one to request it be lowered, he would have to.

He claims the CS office never responds to him etc. we go back to court in May to make sure he’s paying and I know he’s worried about jail. He also does struggle a lot and had to move back in with his sister because he makes basically nothing.

I do feel bad that he can’t get ahead because of this when I can take care of my daughter without him but for me it’s the principle of it too. I’d be more than fine for him to relinquish his rights and remove himself from mine and her life but he’s said he would a couple times then changes his mind.. TLDR; ex husband wants me to lower CS and I refuse due to his lack of effort aita?

Navigating child support disputes can feel like tiptoeing through a legal minefield. Here, the mother’s refusal to lower payments reflects deeper issues of accountability. Her ex’s job-hopping to dodge support isn’t just a personal slight—it’s a calculated move that courts often frown upon. She’s standing up for her daughter’s rights, but his financial strain adds a layer of complexity. Is it fair to push him to the brink?

This situation mirrors a broader issue: parental responsibility in fractured families. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, over 50% of custodial parents receive less than the full child support owed. The mother’s stance highlights a common tension—balancing a child’s needs against an ex’s struggles. Her frustration is valid, but so is the question of whether punishment fits the crime.

Dr. Joshua Coleman, a family psychologist, notes, “When parents feel abandoned, they often dig in, prioritizing principle over pragmatism” (https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/). His insight fits here: the mother’s resolve stems from betrayal, not greed. Her ex’s refusal to relinquish rights while neglecting their child fuels her anger. Coleman’s work suggests she’s protecting her daughter’s stability, but rigidity risks escalating conflict.

For solutions, communication is key. She could propose mediation to address visitation and support, ensuring her daughter’s needs stay central. Courts may adjust payments if his income truly plummeted, but she’s right not to initiate it—that’s his burden.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s got some spicy takes on this drama—let’s just say the pitchforks are out! Here’s what the community had to say:

Juniperniuspeppa − NTA. He purposely took jobs that pay less to avoid paying child support? It’s not your responsibility to ask to pay for less, it’s his. This is so cut and dry, it is not your problem.

PsychologicalSalad10 − No. Not event the slightest. NTA. He did this to himself by having a baby and then changing jobs to get it lowered and not realizing it failed and continuing on with his approach.

Beautiful_Pain_7287 − IMO you put it in pretty simple terms. He relinquishes his rights and doesn’t have to pay, or he stays her dad and has to act like a responsible father would and pay his child support. Good luck to you and your daughter!

United-Manner20 − NTA he’s choosing to try to manipulate and guilt you. Do not give in. If they give him jail time then let him go to jail. He hasn’t filed taxes because he knows you would get money that way. He’s working low paying jobs even though he has the potential to work higher paying one purpose.

He is choosing to be nothing in life. He’s choosing to child support his child. It is absolutely the principal. Do not lower it. Do not agree to have it lowered. Actions have consequences. That money is owed to your daughter. Let the courts do whatever they wanna do but absolutely not lower it.

Jocelyn-1973 − NTA. Also, you should realize that IF he gets the CS down, he will magically start earning his old salary and more the year after and he will not volunteer that information until he is forced to share the information in an expensive lawsuit on your dime. So if he does go to court and he does get it down, demand that he shows annual proof of income in the exact month that he is supposed to have done the tax return.

Dittoheadforever − You're NTA and you are nicer than I am. I do feel bad that he can’t get ahead because of this when I can take care of my daughter without him. The child support isn't why he can't get ahead.. this man has left job after job and keeps taking jobs making much less to avoid paying child support. His vindictive, petulant, cut off the nose the spite the face attitude is the problem. 

Ok-Tadpole-9859 − NTA. Anyone who deliberately takes pay cuts just to pay less child support AKA SO THEIR CHILD THAT THEY CREATED GETS LESS is a complete AH imo.

RowEnvironmental6114 − NTA - He is well within his rights to attempt to have the payment amount lowered due to significant change in circumstances and he should if things are as bad as you say, but that’s for him to do, it is not your responsibility. Additionally, as an FYI voluntary relinquishment of parental rights does not automatically mean you will not pay child support.

Child support and parental rights are separate issues and the majority of the time your financial obligations to your child do not end because you have relinquished your rights to custody and decision making. People often don’t realize that the right to child support is not yours to waive; it is a right of the child to be supported (also why blaming the other party for having to pay child support is silly, it’s the court’s calculation for your child, not the other party’s).

This is especially true if you have outstanding financial obligations. Termination of parental rights does end child support obligations but is usually only granted for things like adoption, when the court essentially transfers that parental obligation to another party. Courts do not look favorably on individuals seeking to terminate their parental rights to avoid child support payments.

SmallHeath555 − NTA - judges decide not you. Your child deserves support, let the judge decide how much.

bluetable321 − NTA. It’s not your responsibility to get this figured out for him. The “CS officer never responds to him” sounds like an excuse, to be honest. He’s in the situation he’s in because of his own choices (not giving up rights, quitting a job and intentionally seeking out a lower paying one, etc). If I were you I wouldn’t take his call next time and leave any talk of support for court, if he wants to discuss visitation he can do that over text.

These Redditors aren’t holding back, but do their cheers for tough love oversimplify things? Maybe the real world’s a bit messier.

This mother’s battle is more than dollars—it’s about trust, duty, and a little girl caught in the crossfire. She’s holding the line for her daughter’s future, but the tug-of-war with her ex leaves no easy answers. Should she bend to ease his hardship, or stand firm on principle? What would you do if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts—let’s unpack this together.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *