AITA for not wanting to sign a postnup after 20 years of marriage?

Jonathan Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a quiet suburban home, a 39-year-old woman sifts through memories of two decades spent building a life with her high school sweetheart. She’s carried the financial load, from mortgage payments to pet food, while supporting his dreams, including a rental property empire. But now, her husband’s push for a postnup to shield his inherited properties feels like a slap in the face, casting doubt on their shared journey. Is this love, or a ledger gone cold?

This Reddit story grabs us with its raw blend of loyalty and betrayal. Readers feel her sting of being undervalued after years of sacrifice, wondering if trust can survive such a blow. With heartfelt stakes and a universal tug at fairness, it’s a tale that begs us to explore the balance of love, money, and mutual respect.

‘AITA for not wanting to sign a postnup after 20 years of marriage?’

My (39F) husband (40M) and I have been together for 25 years and married for 20 years. We don’t have any children. We got together in high school and married soon after high school. I went to college and graduated with a business degree. Got a corporate job while he attended college and figured out what he wanted to do professionally.

A few years after I started my corporate job, I had saved enough for a down payment on a house. I was able to save enough thanks to living with my in-laws rent free for 3 years. I purchased a property and since my husband didn’t have any income he was left out of the loan and the bank asked him to sign a quitclaim deed.

After 6 years in community college, my husband finally decided to quit college to focus on his freelance art career which brought him some income. He also got a part-time job to help with his expenses. When I say his expenses it is mainly his gas, spending, and eating out.

I’ve been the main provider for our home paying the mortgage, utilities, majority of entertainment/traveling expenses, all pet (2 dogs and a cat) expenses and groceries. He lost his part-time job during COVID and during that time also had a back injury that pretty much disabled him from going back to work, so now he solely relies on his freelance art which is not always a reliable source of income.

A few years ago he inherited two properties from relatives. He wanted to build rental units in one of the properties but when he didn’t qualify for a loan, I stepped in and co-signed for the loan to take out equity and use the money to build the property. He agreed to put me on title since the loan would be under both of our names.

I helped him deal with the architect and city hall to pull permits. I was heavily involved pre-construction but we agreed that he would deal with the contractor. Even then he asked me to help deal with the contractor once in a while and go with him to the inspections. When the money from the loan ran out, I put in some of my own funds to finish the project.

My husband said he would pay me back but 2 years later and I haven’t gotten it all back yet. Prior to getting the loan, he asked if I would be willing to sign a document stating that I had no claim to the property. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but I hadn’t realized how much involvement I would actually have in the property.

After construction was completed, I was in charge of finding a property management company, and before that I was the main contact for the rental posting while looking for tenants since he said he didn’t have the patience to deal with people. A couple of years after the construction, he brought up the postnup again.

After giving it some thought, while I agree that I don’t have any claim to the property solely on his name, I do have a claim to at-least the addition we made to the second property. He says that I should have to benefit from his family’s inheritance. It makes me feel like trash that everything I did to help him build the units meant nothing.

He says that me not signing the postnup makes him not trust me. But a postnup was never an issue when he didn’t have any property and all we had was our residence that is under my name. He said that since he signed a quit claim deed, he doesn’t have claim to our residence, but that’s not how it works in a community property state.

I know a postnup would also benefit me in that I would protect my residence, my 401K, and any future alimony payments. But the distrust is so hurtful that I think at this point I would rather divorce. I wouldn’t touch his properties but would demand to have him refinance to remove me from the loan on the rental property.

I just don’t think I can get over the distrust and loss of self-respect if I were to sign a postnup after 20 years of marriage. It just makes me feel like such a doormat. What would you do in this situation? Am I thinking about this wrong and not seeing his side?

Am I being inconsiderate since the rental income would be his lifeline if we were to get divorced? Just a side note. There is no suspicions about infidelity or anything like that. The thing is, I still love him very much and I know he loves me too. I just don’t know where all this mistrust is coming from.

Talk about a plot twist in a 20-year love story! This woman’s been the financial backbone, propping up her husband’s dreams while keeping their home afloat. Yet his push for a postnup—downplaying her sweat and dollars in his rental property—feels like he’s rewriting their vows to “what’s mine is mine.” His distrust stings, especially since he leaned on her generosity when his wallet was thin. It’s less about the properties and more about valuing her role.

Money disputes like this are marriage kryptonite. A 2023 study by the Institute for Family Studies found 35% of couples cite financial disagreements as a top stressor, often when contributions feel unequal (soucre). Her heavy lifting in their finances and his project, only to face a postnup, screams imbalance. His claim that she shouldn’t touch his inheritance ignores her tangible investments.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says, “Trust is built when partners honor each other’s contributions, not just their assets” (soucre). Gottman’s wisdom suggests her husband’s postnup push erodes their foundation by dismissing her role. His distrust could signal insecurity or a shift in priorities, risking deeper cracks if unaddressed. She’s right to feel like a “doormat”—her self-respect is on the line.

She should consult a lawyer to clarify her rights, especially regarding the loan and her investments, before signing anything. A candid talk, laying out how his demand undermines their partnership, might reveal his fears. Marriage counseling could rebuild trust if he’s open. If he digs in, she may need to weigh divorce to protect her dignity.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s posse rode in with pitchforks and tough love, dishing out advice like a spicy family potluck. Here’s what they had to say about this marital money mess:

Aromatic_Recipe1749 − Do not sign anything that doesn’t recognize and reward your contributions to the property you are invested in.  You’ve been supporting this man for 20 years, he owes you! The thought that he’s now so concerned with protecting his assets is sketchy.. Honesty, I would have to wonder if he isn’t getting his affairs in order to divorce you. 

Professional_War5693 − One word: LAWYER.. NTA.

Present-Duck4273 − NTA- it sounds like he was fine mooching off you for 20 years, but now that he has money coming in he doesn’t want to share. After 20 years, I would not be thinking what happens if we split up. OP, that is what he is thinking. He has splitting up as a possibility. It makes me go back to was he just using you and now that he has his own thing he doesn’t need you anymore? That’s not love.

K_A_irony − I would hire a PI to make SURE there is no infidelity. Checking never hurts. If that comes back clean, marriage counseling to find out WTF is causing this... One solid chance to fix this sounds reasonable. Other wise find a lawyer to help review the post nup and put in anything you actually want to protect, sign it.. then hand him the divorce papers. Might as well protect yourself in a SERIOUS way before you divorce.

SparkleLifeLola − Get legal advice from an attorney before you do anything. Do not sign anything, agree to anything, or make any decisions until you have good legal representation. This is very, very important.. FYI, your husband is a POS.

InevitableSwordfish6 − I wouldn’t sign a g**damn thing .. play deaf and dumb like he did while not working for all these years.

WhatTheActualFck1 − NTA And lawyer. But have a blunt discussion with him. “After decades together, me supporting you through everything financially and emotionally, putting in my time, money and direction when it came to YOUR properties, suddenly I’m untrusted and you want me to sign a post nup?

The fact that you’re suddenly deciding you can’t trust me is the dealbreaker. Sure I’ll sign a postnup. Actually no, I’ll do you one better, and sign divorce papers, specifically stating you are to refinance your properties under your name only so I have nothing to do with you.”

Greatestz1 − You're not being inconsiderate you’re finally protecting yourself after decades of emotional, financial, and practical investment in a marriage that’s been heavily weighted on your shoulders.

Beneficial_Test_5917 − NTA. That is one insecure hubby you got there. Keep doin' what you're doin'.

grayblue_grrl − Your husband is a TAKER and now that he has something that you COULD take, he's resource guarding like a starving dog. If you have all the evidence of your investments in his place - and your time and effort

go to your own lawyer and have him draw up the prenup that gives you all yours and that bit of his as well..  Make sure he knows that you will be walking away with everything you built.. Tell him to take it to his lawyer..... Then do the divorce. You know what he is.

These Redditors swing hard, but do their fiery takes oversimplify a 20-year bond? Online advice is like hot sauce—zesty, but sometimes you need a cooler perspective to taste the nuance.

This woman’s saga is a wake-up call that love shouldn’t leave you feeling like a ledger footnote. Her husband’s postnup demand, after years of her financial and emotional heavy lifting, tests the heart of their marriage. Whether they mend trust or part ways, her story urges us to demand respect for our contributions. Have you faced a partner pulling the rug out over money? Drop your story below—let’s untangle this knot together!

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *