AITA for not sharing the story behind why I grew up in foster care with my wife’s family?
In this post, a 28-year-old man explains his decision not to share the full details of his foster care history with his wife’s family. He was placed in foster care at the age of 5 and remained in the system until he turned 18, a period marked by deep-rooted trauma that he has been working through for the past eight years.
While he shares the “public version” of his past—that he was in foster care and has had no contact with his biological family—with acquaintances, he chooses to keep the more personal, painful details private.
His wife, who understands his need for discretion, supports his decision; however, some members of her close-knit family are unhappy that they’re being kept in the dark about his full story. Now, he wonders if he’s the asshole for not revealing more, even though he feels his personal history is his own business.
‘AITA for not sharing the story behind why I grew up in foster care with my wife’s family?’
Dr. Samantha Brooks, a family psychologist specializing in trauma and identity, explains, “Deciding what personal information to share, especially about one’s upbringing in foster care, is a deeply personal choice. For many individuals who have experienced significant trauma, their early life is not simply a story to be told—it’s a core part of their healing process.”
Dr. Brooks notes that while it’s natural for extended family members to be curious, they are not entitled to the full details of someone’s painful past. “The decision to share or withhold certain parts of your history should be based entirely on your comfort level and your readiness to process that information,” she adds.
“In cases like this, where the information is both deeply personal and potentially triggering, it is not only acceptable but advisable to maintain boundaries.This allows you to protect your mental and emotional health while still engaging with your family on topics that you’re comfortable discussing.”
Dr. Brooks further emphasizes that family members who persistently press for information may be projecting their own needs for connection or closure, and that it is important for the individual to assert their right to privacy. “Healthy relationships require mutual respect, and if someone is not willing to respect your boundaries, that is a significant issue. Ultimately, it’s your story, and you have every right to decide when—and if—you share it with others.”
See what others had to share with OP:
Reddit users have largely supported the OP’s decision. Many commenters emphasize that his childhood trauma is his own business and that he should only share what he feels comfortable with. Several users argue that the extended family has no right to pry into details that are deeply personal and tied to painful experiences.
Some suggest that his wife should be the one to reinforce these boundaries by making it clear to her family that certain aspects of his past are off limits. The prevailing sentiment is that he is not the asshole; his privacy is paramount, and his choice to only share the public version of his story is entirely justified.
This situation raises important questions about personal privacy versus family curiosity. Is it fair for extended family members to pressure someone into sharing deeply personal trauma, even if it could foster a closer connection? How do you balance the need for emotional healing with the desire to maintain transparency with loved ones?
Have any of you faced similar situations where you had to set boundaries about what personal history to disclose? We invite you to share your experiences and insights on maintaining your privacy while navigating family expectations. What strategies have helped you assert your right to keep certain parts of your past to yourself?
