AITA for not letting my stepfather be father of the bride in my wedding?

Jonathan Hours
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A wedding’s joy turns tense when a bride picks her dad over her stepfather for the Father of the Bride role. Close to her biological dad despite his past accident, she faces pushback from her stepfather, Adam, who claims he earned the spot by stepping up during tough years. Family tempers flare as old wounds resurface.

This Reddit AITA post dives into a heartfelt clash of loyalty and roles. Readers are hooked, debating if the bride’s choice is fair or ungrateful to a stepparent’s efforts.

‘AITA for not letting my stepfather be father of the bride in my wedding?’

I am my dad's only child and we are close. He and my mom divorced when I was 4 and when I was 6 she married Adam. My parents had equal custody of me. So I spent a week with my mom and then another week with my dad. My mom and Adam have my five half siblings together (3 sisters and 2 brothers).

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Adam was never dad in my eyes but when I was little we had a goodish relationship. Until I was 11. My dad was in an accident and for three years he was unable to take care of me. He was months in the hospital, months longer in rehab, had a setback that put him back in the hospital and he needed to rehab all over again.

Adam stepped up a lot during those three years but those three years also showed a resentment he had that I didn't treat him the same as my mom and dad. He was never the person I wanted at a Father's Day event or the man I would make a card for. That bothered him more than ever when I spent the three years where he was the only father figure longing for my dad.

He's been very, very short with my dad since and downright rude at times. Even after he just got home. My siblings and mom also took issue with it. Mom at the time. My siblings some years later. It led to some trouble because

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I never chose to spend Father's Day with them celebrating Adam and even checked out that day when my dad was sick (I saw him at the rehab place but not the year he was in the hospital). Now I'm getting married and I just want my dad to be Father of the Bride, but that is controversial because my stepfather wanted to be it too.

He told me as much when I told him and my mom that I was just having my dad. He told me he deserved it because he is just as much my dad. I told him I only wanted my dad and I never considered him my dad. He and mom were mad.

They told my siblings and then they were mad. They all say I should at least have both but given those three years he would even be deserving of him being the only father of the bride. Adam said I was an ingrate and he deserved better.. AITA?

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Stepfamily dynamics can strain under big moments like weddings, where roles carry deep meaning. The OP’s choice of her dad reflects a lifelong bond, while Adam’s demand for the Father of the Bride role reveals unmet expectations.

Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, notes in a Psychology Today article, “Stepparents often feel entitled to parental roles, but forcing them can alienate stepchildren” (source). Adam’s resentment, evident since the OP’s childhood, likely fuels his push, while her rejection underscores her clear boundary: her dad is her father.

This ties to a broader issue: navigating stepparent roles in blended families. A 2022 Journal of Marriage and Family study found 57% of stepchildren resist stepparents assuming parental titles when biological parents remain active (source). The OP’s stance aligns with this, prioritizing her dad’s unique role.

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For solutions, experts suggest open dialogue. The OP could acknowledge Adam’s past support while firmly restating her choice, perhaps offering him another wedding role, like a toast.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit dished out fiery support and sharp takes on this wedding drama. Here’s the community’s unfiltered voice:

BaltimoreBadger23 − NTA: you have a father, you have maintained a positive relationship with him, and through the years you've clearly maintained that he is your father, not Adam. Adam is acting very entitled here, but your real problem is your mother not stepping in and making it clear to Adam that you have a father who has been an important part of your life.

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tinysydneh − NTA. Not only do you not consider him your dad, which is, by the way, perfectly valid, _he will have three of his own daughters to be the father of the bride with_, exclusively. Your dad has _just_ you. If you have Adam walk you down the aisle, he gets _three_ daughters he doesn't have to 'share it' with, and you, and your dad gets you, a daughter he'd be forced to share it with.

His reaction is just proving exactly why you shouldn't. It's fine for him to be hurt, I could even understand that -- but for him to mistreat you because he's not getting his way is just showing why he isn't, and hasn't, taken the role. And to say he deserves to be the _only_ father of the bride? No, s**ew that, that's a 100% 'you are lucky if you get an invite' offense.

YeeHawMiMaw − NTA The fact that they think he would be deserving of being the “only” one shows their logic and arguments are not to be trusted. His actions as a step-father for 3 years do not erase your dad’s contributions as a father for your whole life.

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I am curious though - you do no give your age, but I have to assume you no longer live with mom and Adam. What has your relationship with Adam been like since you moved out of their house?

[Reddit User] − NTA. Another step-parent on this sub that doesn't understand that you can't force your stepchild to consider you as a parent and that you will have a better relationship if you just let the child decide what kind of relationship they want.. If he thinks he is owed something for taking care of you, it means his actions were transactional.

PetitPied21 − NTA. Your have a biological dad that your consider your dad. Nothing will change that. He has 3 daughters he can walk down the aisle…. It’s not a competition. He can’t erase your dad from your memory just because he married your mother.

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He was nice to you because he liked you or because you will owe him something. Saying you’re « ingrate » sounds weird. He shouldn’t have been there for you if it wasn’t what he really wanted.. Do what you want. It’s your wedding. Walk with your dad. Enjoy your special day

HunterDangerous1366 − Im reading this as when your dad had his accident, Adam and your mum seen this as their golden opportunity to make you see Adam as your dad in every way, not just your stepdad/mums husband. If that's the case, they are wrong. You have your dad.

Regardless if he stepped up during the 3yrs your dad couldn't have you with him for reasons beyond his control, he still isn't your dad. Your mum, him and siblings can't dictate who has what role in YOUR wedding. The FOB role isn't up for grabs or negotiation. Your dad is fulfilling that role because *he is your dad, Adam is not.*

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If they keep on, tell them your mum chose Adam, you did not and you'd have rather your dad not had his accident at all in the first place. Instead of accepting the place in your life you was willing to create for him, he is acting like you are indebted to him, which you are not.

He either stays in his lane or doesn't come to the wedding as he isn't the most important person to you. He had three daughters to fill the FOB role for and you are not and never will be one of them.. NTA

ccl-now − What he wants is irrelevant. You have a dad who you love. He is your father, you are the bride. Adam is being very weird. NTA

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[Reddit User] − NTA, do you really want someone who called you an ingrate to walk you down the aisle? This seems like a no brainer to me. Also your stepdad is not as much your dad as your dad, what are they even talking about.

Alekusandoria − Adam calling you an ingrate would be an immediate no from me. There’s something to be said for how he feels and there’s a lot here we don’t know about why you dislike him so much. That would hurt anyone. However, he’s not entitled to your wedding wishes. Conditional NTA. Chat with him and your mom and give them a chance to hear you out, but hold your ground.

DogsReadingBooks − NTA. You decide who’s most important to you. He’s trying to take over as your only/most important father figure. That’s not who he is to you. Not his decision.

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These bold opinions rally for the OP, but do they miss Adam’s perspective?

This tale of a bride’s stand for her dad over her stepfather stirs up questions of loyalty, gratitude, and family roles. The OP’s choice feels like a love letter to her dad, yet Adam’s hurt and family backlash complicate the joy. Have you navigated stepfamily tensions at a big event? What would you do in this wedding clash? Share your thoughts below and let’s keep the convo alive!

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