Aita for not babysitting my nephew because he’s autistic even after he was already dropped off?

A routine visit from her nephews and niece turned traumatic when a woman’s autistic nephew lashed out, injuring her toddler. Shaken, she refused to babysit him, even when her sister dropped all three kids at her doorstep, igniting a family firestorm. Accused of hating her nephew’s autism, she stands firm on protecting her child, leaving relatives divided over safety versus inclusion.

This raw saga of family loyalty and child safety pulses with emotional weight. When does a caregiver’s limit outweigh a family’s plea for unity?

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‘Aita for not babysitting my nephew because he’s autistic even after he was already dropped off?’

AITA? I'm being torn apart by my family and being called evil. I (28F) have an older sister (32F) who has three kids, a twelve year old son with autism, a ten year old son, and a four year old daughter. I love all my nieces and nephews equally but my oldest nephew is a challenge.

He is non verbal and uses a communication device to let us know his needs. He's also prone to violent outbursts where he'll either hit himself and sometimes hit other people. My sister is an amazing mother but I think she fails to see how hard it is. She can deal with him in her sleep but for everyone else it's a huge adjustment.

I have a three year old daughter who's very close with her four year old cousin and my stepson is in the same grade and school as my ten year old nephew and they've become fast friends and play video games and sports together all the time. I married my husband last year so they're still new family members.

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Because of their friendships my niece and nephews have been coming over all the time within the past year and things have been great and my oldest nephew tags along sometimes. While the kids go off and play together me and him usually just chill and watch TV.

For the past few months however he's been having some violent outbursts while being over here. At first it was just yelling tantrums when he was frustrated with his iPad. It scared me and the kids but it was just yelling and he would eventually stop and calm down and even sign 'sorry'.

And the kids play in other rooms so it wasn't an issue. But lately it's been getting bad. About two months ago it was just my nephews over and younger nephew was playing outside with my step son. Me and my older nephew and my daughter were lounging on the patio chairs. Out of nowhere he threw his iPad on the ground and started yelling like crazy.

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I could see his iPad had died and was surprised since my sister usually keeps it fully charged and they had only been dropped off an hour before. I went to pick it up and to redirect him inside to charge it when he pushed me onto the chair and spit on me and the iPad fell.

My daughter picked it up to hand to him and he pushed her hard on the ground and KICKED her. My three year old! I was terrified, I had no idea how strong he's getting. My son and nephew came running over and my nephew was able to calm down his brother but me and my daughter were traumatized.

She sprained her wrist because of the fall. My sister was very apologetic, took my daughter out to ice cream and shopping and we were able to move past it but I'm still shaken up from it. My sister was also two weeks post partum when this happened so I have her grace.

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Being spit on was so degrading but watching my daughter be pushed and kicked on the ground by someone three times larger than her still has me holding resentment towards him even though I knew he didn't mean harm. Ever since then, I've turned down two invites since they both included all three kids and told her I don't feel comfortable with her oldest, but the younger two are free to come over.

She said her kids are a package deal and was upset. On Easter my sister confronted me in front of our whole family for being 'bigoted' towards her son just because of one outburst. She said he didn't even do any 'real' damage and her kids miss coming over and spending time with mine.

Everyone was on her side and said that in all of his years this is the worst thing he's done and to stop alienating him from my kids. And I know he usually is a sweet boy but I just don't want to take any chances. Yesterday my sister had to take her newborn to an appointment and our brother canceled on her last minute as a sitter so she begged me to watch her kids for her.

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I told her I only felt comfortable with her youngest two over here so she would have to find alternative caretaking for her oldest son like our mom. She scoffed and said why would she take him to our mom who's thirty minutes away and be late to their appointment when she could just drop them all off here and told me to stop being an a**hole and hung up.

I don't know if she thought I was bluffing but when she pulled up and I saw all of them I walked to her window and told her to leave. She started crying saying I'm being such a b**ch, that this affects all her kids, and that if I alienate her oldest why would she trust me with her other kids? 

told her to not waste her time (her appointment was at 3:30 and it was 2:30) and that she has thirty minutes to go to our moms house since I won't be watching them. She asked me if I'm seriously forcing her to go out of her way thirty minutes just because of one small incident she already 'made up to me for' and make her late to her appointment?

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I said yes. She left very angrily and about an hour later my phone is being blown up by my siblings and parents asking me what the f**k is my issue and calling me all sorts of names. They're making it seem like I'm the most hateful person and I don't have actual reasons why I don't feel comfortable around him anymore.

They're saying my daughters sprained wrist and him spitting on pushing us both is 'nothing' and that I'm being an evil a**hole. My husband is on my side 100% and says that with him getting older his violent outbursts can actually cause physical harm now and they need to stop acting like he's still a child throwing a tantrum and not a preteen going through puberty. AITA?

Balancing inclusion with safety is a tightrope, and this woman’s refusal to babysit her nephew reflects a valid boundary after trauma. Her nephew’s autism-related outbursts, escalating to physical harm, pose a real risk, especially as he grows stronger. Her sister’s dismissal of the incident as minor and insistence on a “package deal” ignores the woman’s duty to protect her toddler, while the family’s ableism accusations misframe her fear as prejudice.

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Autism specialist Dr. Stephen Shore notes, “Safety must guide accommodations for autism.” Studies show 30% of autistic children exhibit aggressive behaviors, often requiring specialized management beyond untrained caregivers. The sister’s failure to address her son’s escalating outbursts or secure alternative care, like their mother’s, shifts an unfair burden onto the woman.

This reflects broader challenges of autism caregiving and family expectations. Dr. Shore advises, “Caregivers must set safe boundaries.” The woman should maintain her stance, urge her sister to seek behavioral support for her nephew, and limit contact if the family persists.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit tackled this family clash like it’s a courtroom drama. Here’s the community’s unfiltered take:

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aadilsud − You didn't stop babysitting him because he was autistic, you stopped because he was being an active danger to your kids. NTA 

dalealace − NTA. He kicked a toddler. Your family complains you tell them that. Wash rinse and repeat. There is no overreacting to this. Even if he has autism your first responsibility is to your child, not your sister’s.

RevolutionaryDiet686 − NTA Your nephew is growing and going through some changes in his body that he has no control over. He may not mean harm but right now he has the capability to do it. Sister needs to address this with his doctors to see how to handle him right now.

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I_wanna_be_anemone − I’m an autistic adult, you’re not being ableist. You’re accepting your limits. Your nephew is unable to self-regulate or de-escalate when distressed, either it’s because he’s in a different place (your house) or with a different person (you’re not his mom). Regardless of how well *she* can help him regulate when physically present, that does nothing to make you, the other kids or nephew safe.

Also, she didn’t ’make it up’ to you, she threw money at the problem aka bribery via ice cream. Making it up includes acknowledging the pain (physical and emotional) caused, accepting that the victims have every right to still have anxiety about being in a similar situation, and most importantly, *working on ensuring it will never happen again*.

Managing autism as a carer is not the same as parenting someone with autism. People who manage (aka most ‘autism moms’) want all the credit for being self sacrificing and working within the autistic persons strict mental, emotional and physical constraints established by how their autism affects them.

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Parenting an autistic person is about helping them learn and expand their boundaries as safely as possible, for both them and others. Tell your family you refuse to teach your daughter to let a man who harms her have access to her safe place. That you are not setting the precedent that she will have to accept being beaten, spat on and degraded by any male older than her regardless of any disability.

If your sister wants that to change, it’s on her to re-establish trust and show she’s been making progress with helping nephew to self regulate. He could have left. He could have run in circles screaming and flailing. He could have used a sensory toy to stim (and if he doesn’t have one then his mom should get one).

What is not acceptable is that he laid hands on other people.  Your sister is being ableist by claiming nothing about nephew needs to change. She is the one putting him at serious risk, not only from hurting himself/others, but from retaliation. Or worse, police intervention.

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Cops don’t hesitate to beat, crush or taser autistic teens/adults they perceive to be a threat. Spitting is a**ault. A sprained wrist is a**ault. Nephew does that or worse to a stranger in public, what does your sister expect to happen?  Protect your kids, and protect your nephew by refusing to put him in a situation where he’s endangering himself. NTA

Santeeoldman − NTA. He could be a danger to your kids. Tough situation for everyone, but you have to do what’s best for your kids.

MrsCrumbly − NTA he's going to get more dangerous as he hits puberty. This is just the beginning.

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VeronicaDaydream − NTA Why did she have another kid if she's constantly pawning off the ones she has already?

sewswell1955 − I am an autism mom, myself. You are right to refuse to watch him. It is too many kids all at once, too. Overstimulating.

mamaB89 − NTA: Unfortunately the only way your family will understand is when your nephew gets aggressive with them.

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double_sundae265 − In all the years this is the worst he’s done! Yeah, but he’s getting older, stronger and obviously less able to control his emotions. You are NOT over reacting and the family is being ridiculous. You can’t have him over especially if you still feel some type of way after that incident.

It was a**ault, on you and your daughter. If anyone else would have done that, they would have been taken to jail if the cops were called. It’s serious, regardless of his age. It’s awesome to be inclusive, but not when it comes to the safety of you and your children. Especially a 3yr old.

These passionate takes hit hard, but do they miss nuances? Is the sister neglectful, or the family in denial?

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This babysitting standoff lays bare the tension between inclusion and safety in family ties. The woman’s refusal to watch her nephew after his violent outburst, despite family backlash, sparks a debate about boundaries, autism, and child protection. What would you do if a relative’s child endangered yours? Share your stories in the comments—let’s unpack this heart-wrenching family rift!

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