AITA for not apologizing to my mom about things I did as a teen?
In this post, a 26-year-old woman details an ongoing conflict with her mom regarding past behaviors during her teenage years. Despite her efforts to maintain a positive relationship by regularly meeting for meals and coffee, her mom persistently brings up the way she behaved as a teen—complaining that she never treated her right or wanted to be around her.
While the poster acknowledges that she was a bit wild and rebellious during her adolescence, she feels that this is normal teenage behavior. The tipping point came during a recent dinner conversation about her attendance at a Renaissance festival, when her mom accused her of avoiding her out of spite.
In response, the poster snapped that she is done apologizing for things she did as a 14-year-old in the heat of puberty. Now, with a mediator (her grandpa) trying to smooth things over, she questions whether she’s in the wrong for refusing to apologize repeatedly for what she considers normal teenage behavior.
‘AITA for not apologizing to my mom about things I did as a teen?’
Family therapist Dr. Karen Liu explains, “Adolescence is a time of exploration and growth, and the behaviors exhibited during that period are often a normal part of learning to navigate relationships and personal boundaries.”
Dr. Liu notes that while parental reflections on a child’s past behavior can sometimes serve as a way to express ongoing disappointment, it is crucial for both parties to move forward. “If a parent continuously brings up adolescent behavior without acknowledging the growth that has occurred, it can hinder the development of a healthy adult relationship,” she adds.
Dr. Liu advises that instead of repeatedly apologizing for natural teenage rebellion, the focus should shift to understanding how those experiences have shaped the individual’s current identity. She recommends family counseling as a way for both mother and daughter to address these lingering issues, establish healthier communication patterns, and set boundaries around discussing the past. Ultimately, Dr. Liu believes that while accountability is important, it should be balanced with forgiveness and mutual respect.
See what others had to share with OP:
Reddit users have largely sided with the poster, condemning her mom’s tendency to dwell on the past. Many commenters feel that her teenage years were just that—teenage years—and that it is unfair for her to be perpetually held accountable for normal adolescent behavior. Some users highlight that the daughter’s rebellion was typical and even healthy in her developmental stage, and that her continued apologies are unnecessary when she has clearly matured.
Several commenters also pointed out that the mom’s actions might be indicative of her own unresolved issues or unmet expectations, suggesting that she may be projecting her regrets onto her daughter.
Others caution that while it’s important to acknowledge past mistakes, forcing an apology every time can create a toxic dynamic and undermine the progress made over the years. The overall sentiment is that the poster is not the asshole for refusing to apologize for her teenage behavior, and that her mom should learn to appreciate the person she is now rather than focus on the past.
This situation brings up critical questions about the balance between accountability and personal growth. Is it fair to continuously hold someone accountable for the rebellious phase of their adolescence, or should we recognize and accept that teenage behavior is part of growing up? Have you ever found yourself caught in a cycle of guilt over past actions that no longer define who you are today?
How do you approach difficult conversations with family members who seem stuck in the past? We invite you to share your experiences, insights, and advice on setting healthy boundaries while nurturing relationships. Let’s discuss ways to move forward and appreciate the progress made over time, without getting mired in old conflicts.
