AITA for making my kid’s teacher “collateral damage”?

Jonathan Hours
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A bitter divorce spills into a second-grade classroom when a dad discovers his ex-wife’s emails to his son’s teacher, filled with personal gripes. Excluded from the chats, he confronts the teacher and escalates to the principal, only to hear her lament that her classroom became “collateral damage.”

This Reddit AITA post dives into a messy tangle of co-parenting and professional boundaries. Readers are hooked, debating if the dad’s actions were justified or unfairly targeted an overworked teacher.

‘AITA for making my kid’s teacher “collateral damage”?’

Getting a divorce is easy but dealing with it afterwards is harder. My son's mother and I have been divorced since January. There is a lot of bad blood on her end because she didn't get what she wanted. What she wanted was insane and what I got was fair. I just want to move on and co-parent our 7yo son. He's been largely unaffected by it.

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Long story short, I found out that his teacher had been going back and forth with my ex regarding our son. I was not copied. I went straight to the teacher and reminded her that there was no excuse to exclude me on matters regarding my son. She tried correcting me that the emails were not about my son per se, but classroom matters. So I corrected her back and asked is my son not in her classroom?

She admitted that she was wrong and it wasn't on purpose. It was just that my ex is always emailing her but that's better and more comfortable than having her do it in person. I asked her what stuff was my ex talking about and she said 'your divorce and the drama.'

I was angry that my ex would discuss personal matters with someone that I have to deal with so I went to the principal. The principal agreed that my ex shouldn't be discussing stuff like money and trashing me to the teacher. It has zero relevance to our son's education and a waste of time.

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Apparently the principal told my kid's teacher she's to limit the scope of conversations with my ex and to copy me on every email. There were probably some things omitted by the teacher because the next time I saw her, she said that all she did was try to support my ex and now her classroom is collateral damage.

Divorce can blur lines, especially when personal grievances invade neutral spaces like schools. The OP’s frustration at being excluded from emails is valid, but his escalation to the principal may have shifted blame onto a teacher caught in an awkward spot.

Dr. Rosalind Wiseman, an educator and author, notes in a Education Week article, “Teachers often become unintended mediators in parental conflicts, but they’re not equipped to handle personal disputes” (source). The teacher’s error was engaging in divorce talk, but the ex initiated it, and the OP’s demand for inclusion wasn’t clearly communicated beforehand.

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This ties to a broader issue: co-parenting communication protocols. A 2023 Journal of Family Psychology study found 64% of divorced parents struggle with inconsistent school communication, often leaving teachers confused (source). The principal’s directive to limit talks and copy the OP is a step toward clarity.

For solutions, experts suggest direct requests. The OP could have asked the teacher to copy him on all school-related emails and addressed his ex’s oversteps separately. A co-parenting agreement specifying school communication could prevent future issues.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit split hard, with some cheering the OP’s stand and others slamming his approach. Here’s the community’s unfiltered take:

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DarkAthena − NTA. *You* didn’t make the classroom collateral damage - your ex did. She dragged the teacher into it and caused the problem. Not you.

Total-Being-4278 − It's hard to put into words how unprofessional the teacher was. WTF? Good for you for getting the principal involved. Your phrase 'collateral damage' is right on. I can't believe people sometimes.. You were right to put a hard, immediate stop to this.. NTA

Lildragonfly27 − Something sounds weird here, so your ex emails the teacher asking about your son, the classroom etc and you expect the teacher to randomly send the same information to you? Why dont YOU ask the teacher questions if you care so much?

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Prechrchet − Info: can you be a bit more specific about what was actually said/written? Your ex should not have put your teacher in the middle of this, and your teacher (probably) should have refused to discuss the topic. I say 'probably,' because it really kind of depends on what was actually said.

Was it about your son, directly? Or was it about the divorce settlement in general? I will agree that if it was about your son, you have every right to be informed, but if it was not, you don't.. Any chance you can shed some light on this?

Winter_Performer_392 − YTA As a teacher, I hate it when my student's parents bring the fight to school. It's not like that teacher was helping your ex over you. It's not like you were being left out of important discussions or info about your kid. It sounds like your ex reached out to that teacher first. If this is an issue, then take it up WITH YOUR EX.

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And if you wanted to reach out to the teacher about it, by all means but it seems like from what you wrote that you were rude. I hope you weren't and that I am wrong about that. Just because you ex was dumping your personal drama on this person does not mean that you get to complicate that person's life and job.

I can tell you right now, we don't care about your stupid personal issues, we're there to teach your kid. It's also all the actions of your ex, not the teacher, and you went to the principle. Our job is to teach your kid, stop trying to extend your battles to places they don't belong.

ThatGuyFromThisPlace − I'm leaning towards YTA here. You are absolutely right in that the teacher should include you in emails regarding your son. However, it seems to me you're offloading issues you should figure out with your ex onto the teacher. Shouldn't you discuss with her that she forwards you any email regarding your son at school?

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Shouldn't you have reached out to the school and inform anybody involved that you wish to be included in any conversation? I don't think it's fair to expect them to figure out everything correctly on their own and then get mad at them later.

While I agree that it looks bad and might be unprofessional of the teacher to discuss your divorce with your ex, ultimately, your ex likely started this discussion. First of all, you can't stop your ex from discussing this with anybody, and second of all, you should, again, reach out to your ex and ask her to stop that first.. Edit: Spelling

Bizzy1717 − YTA. No 7-year-old is unaffected by divorce, so I immediately question your interpretation of events. I'm a teacher and parents sometimes contact me about issues going on in their personal lives when those issues are affecting their kids. Divorce, death of a grandparent, that sort of thing.

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It's also not uncommon to communicate with one parent at a time, whether they're divorced or not, especially if the parent initiates contact. I'd email birth of you about something like grades, but I definitely wouldn't copy you on every communication.

4cougs − Also leaning towards YTA. Teachers have a very tough job already. They are not conversation moderators. Teacher received an email and responded - they were put in an unwinnable situation by your ex (definitely an A) - and then you did the same.

IMO you owe an apology and you should have politely requested that teacher stay out of marital matters and to copy you on matters concerning your son. Then email your ex to knock that garbage off.

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MVLM − YTA. Parents take advantage of teachers in all kinds of ways, including acting as therapists in their adult s**t. Your son’s teacher had to listen to this woman talk about personal matters. She was likely very uncomfortable. You did not indicate anywhere that she was actively participating in the conversation, just that ex is always emailing her.

Interestingly, you didn’t note your custody arrangement. It’s very possible your ex is seeing things at home that you are not seeing, and has shared that with teacher in hopes of helping your son. For example, “Hey, just wanted to give you a head’s up that student was at his dad’s this weekend. His sleep schedule there is different that at my house, so he may not be himself today.”.

You automatically asked to see the manager, though Also, were you CC’ed on all communications prior to divorce? Is your email on all of your son’s forms? Did you ask to be included on ALL communication? I’ve been married for 17 yrs. We have a junior and an 8th grader. My husband is only CC’ed on emails if I’m the one that CC’s him.

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Teachers usually have a point person. Unless you specify that there are two, how would she have known? Going forward, get a court order that says you have to be included on all emails. Unless this was stipulated at the beginning of the year/the divorce, the teacher had no way of knowing that’s what you wanted.

Deedy123 − YTA-I’m a teacher. Your kid is SEVEN. I’m gonna guess second grade. God, I just can’t believe what an a**hole you are. That TEACHER has your kid for more waking hours than either YOU or YOUR WIFE. If you are going through traumatic events like divorce, your kid teachers need to know. Why? I’ll tell ya. Kid acts out? Suddenly starts crying in class? Starts dropping work?

Yeah we can handle it much better if we know WTH is going on. What your wife told the teacher may or may not have been confidential. But if she contacted your wife and didn’t cc you-news flash-most dads DONT get cc’d. If the dad emails, he gets the response.

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Get over it. You bullied probably the only person without a stake in your divorce. She’s on your child’s side. You showed your ass here. You punished your kids class because you were mad. Tell your WIFE to cc you in emails etc. You are mad at your wife, stop blaming the teacher.

These heated opinions fuel the debate, but do they miss the teacher’s bind?

This story of a dad’s push to protect his parental rights exposes the chaos of divorce spilling into schools. The OP’s escalation aimed to set boundaries, but the teacher’s “collateral damage” plea suggests collateral fallout. Have you dealt with personal drama invading professional spaces? What would you do in this co-parenting clash? Share your thoughts below and let’s keep the convo alive!

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