AITA for making my dad live with the consequences of choosing his stepson over me?

When a 19-year-old man lost his mother at 13, he needed his father more than ever. Instead, his dad chose to play football with his stepson, leaving the boy to grieve alone. Years of broken promises and favoritism followed, pushing the son to emotionally detach and eventually cut contact. Now, as his father pleads for reconciliation, the young man stands firm, refusing to forgive.

This Reddit story, raw with pain and resilience, dives into the fallout of parental neglect and the power of choosing one’s own peace. With a blend of heart and grit, it asks: can broken family ties ever mend? The son’s bold stance sparks a debate about loyalty, consequences, and the cost of forgiveness. Let’s unravel this poignant family saga.

‘AITA for making my dad live with the consequences of choosing his stepson over me?’

My parents divorced when I (19M) was 2. They shared custody of me and while my dad was never a perfect parent he was a pretty decent one. Our relationship was pretty strong. Then when I was 9 he remarried and our relationship changed. He has a stepson Tommy who's 3 years younger than me and most of his time went on him after he remarried.

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It wasn't that my dad never spoke to me or looked at me again. But he broke every promise he made after he remarried, he prioritized the time he spent with Tommy and he never wanted to include me. Oh no. That wasn't possible. He said he didn't want to take away Tommy's chance to have a dad when he never had one before. And for that to work he needed to make the time to be HIS dad.

The day my mom died, rather than be with me, he went ahead with his plans to take Tommy to play a father/son game of football. I was 13 and having my dad out having fun with his stepkid while my heart was breaking f**king wrecked me. He went with Tommy knowing my mom had died too. And my dad's wife accused me of being spoiled because I wanted to ruin Tommy's fun with my dad and wouldn't share him.

There were times he had a work thing that meant he had less time in a week. A perfect example of that happening was the time I was winning an award and I asked dad if he could take me out for cake and ice cream afterward, just the two of us and he said yeah of course. Two days later he had a plan take Tommy to this all day karate thing.

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My award thing was Thursday and the Karate was on a Saturday and my dad was told on Tuesday he needed to work more hours that week and he told me on Wednesday that he only had time that week to spend with one of us and he was keeping his plans with Tommy. I'd already lost my mom so I had to scramble and ask my grandparents if they could make it at the last minute.

I detached emotionally from dad before I even turned 16 and I just stopped believing him or expecting a relationship with him. After a few months I decided I would fade from his life once I was 18 and I started to plan my escape. I clashed with my dad's wife a lot in the last year because she wanted more time with dad and her and I refused to babysit Tommy for her.

He was 14 so not like a small little kid but she babied him a bunch and the fights between us got pretty n**ty. I don't know when my dad started to want more time with me or why. From what I know he still spends a s**t ton of time with Tommy but he reached out to me and asked to meet up and I told him no. I didn't b**lshit him or make any fake promises only to cancel on him.

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My dad wanted to know if I'd have time soon and I said no. But he didn't give up and he invited me a handful more times. Then he wanted to know why I didn't 'come home' for Christmas and he asked for us to have a 'family dinner' soon. Again I said no. He's planning a vacation with his wife and Tommy and he invited along. He said he'd pay and everything.

I told him no yet again and this time he made it a point to show up when I was visiting some of his family and he brought his wife and Tommy along. When they showed up I went to leave but dad stopped me and begged me to stay and he said he wanted to spend time with me. Tommy said he wanted to hang out with me too and he told his mom he wanted to go somewhere with me.

I told them I was leaving and dad asked me why I wouldn't spend time with him anymore. His wife told me I couldn't possibly walk away from my father and 'brother'. I ignored her and told my dad it was the consequences of always choosing Tommy. I told him I wasn't here to play games and I wasn't ever going to forget what an awful father he turned into.

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Then I said he wasn't my family anymore and I left. He had it out with the relatives I was visiting and now his wife is furious at me. She said I'm being spiteful and these aren't consequences of dad's actions, they're a child having a tantrum and wanting to punish people.

She said it was most unfair to Tommy who feels like he lost a brother. I told her Tommy never had a brother and to leave me alone. Then I blocked her.. My dad's been trying to talk to me like crazy too but I muted him and ignore them now.. AITA?

Parental neglect can leave scars that linger into adulthood, as this young man’s story painfully shows. Dr. John Gottman, a leading family researcher, emphasizes, “Emotional connection is the foundation of family” (Gottman Institute). The father’s choice to prioritize his stepson, especially on the day of the son’s mother’s death, severed that connection, fostering deep resentment.

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The father’s focus on Tommy, justified as giving him a father figure, ignored his biological son’s needs. Studies show 40% of children in blended families feel overlooked by a parent (National Stepfamily Resource Center). The stepmother’s dismissal of the son’s pain further alienated him, framing his grief as selfishness.

This reflects broader issues in blended families, where balancing loyalties is tricky. Dr. Gottman’s advice—prioritizing emotional attunement—could help. The father might rebuild trust through consistent, sincere efforts, like therapy or apologies acknowledging past harm. For the son, setting boundaries protects his peace.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit brought the heat, dishing out raw support and sharp takes with a dash of humor. Here’s a peek at the community’s fiery reactions to this family fallout:

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AlarmingStructure513 − NTA! He had his shot to be your dad when you begged him, when you needed him. He chose the step kid instead. You have every right to feel your feelings and decide who is family and who isn't. Family doesn't equate to blood. Family equates to love and support. I'm an old lady, so don't be offended when I say I'm proud of you for advocating for yourself and your peace. Bravo!!

Owenashi − NTA. People like your dad seem to think their kids of old will be fine being put in a holding pattern while they be the big heroic parent their new step-child 'obviously' need in their life, obliviously unaware of how their n**lect is killing their relationship with said old kids until it slaps them in the face with a cold burst of reality. As for his wife, ignore her. Her only interests here involve keeping her marriage going now that your dad's starting to realize how bad he messed up.

Ok_Conversation9750 − I am sorry that you had to deal with your mom’s passing alone.  You are 100% right to separate from them. NTA 

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celticmusebooks − My cousin had a similar situation after her mom died and her dad married a women with 2 children and they had two more of their own. In her case they tried to 'force' a blended family and part of the 'family rules' basically made my cousin the live in babysitter.

The final blow came when she was going off to her dream ivy league and was told that the investment account with the proceeds of her mom's life insurance which she'd always been told was earmarked for her college would be split six ways for each of the 'children'. They suggested she use the money to fund community college and then two years at the local public uni while living at home and taking care of her siblings.

Led by her maternal grandparents the extended family rallied resources (even her paternal grandparents stepped up which REALLY pissed of the stepmom) and she graduated from her dream school Magna C** Laude. About 20K in loans as I recall but a Fantastic job, Amazing husband and three bright, healthy, beautiful children. Stepmom passed right before Covid.

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The step kids who burned through their 'college fund' without acutally going to college and are basically mooching bums, the half sibs made it through college and have jobs. Dad, despite crying, pleading, and begging has NEVER seen his grandchildren and spoiler alert he never will. Last year he actually contacted a lot of the cousins offering $1k for a picture of the kids.

Actual-Obligation61 − You're getting to 20yrs old. Check with your grandparents if there's some money you stand to inherit. Maybe your mom left a trust fund in her will, and 'dearest daddy' wants to be besties so he can ask for it.....or the grandparents are going to leave YOU their house etc..

Emotional blackmail WILL happen if there's cash/assets you inherit. He'll say you're evil for not 'sharing' with tommy. How dare you etc etc. Tommy has \[made up condition and/or autism etc\] and NEEDS that money!

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itasteweirdlylikeme − Nah NTA. He abandoned you the day your mom died be honest about it you were a child he didn't even care about your feelings and tell him 'one day I hope you feel as alone as I did in that day and maybe it will be when your cold dying in a hospital bed and no one's holding your hand simply because someone else was more important'

EsotericRexx − NTA-These are consequences of HIS actions. AND your stepmom is the A**hole for continuing to invalidate your feelings.

Militantignorance − He didn't just favor the step-brother, he abandoned you emotionally, and he's surprised you want nothing to do with him? NTA

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Maine302 − NTA.. Curious: where did you live after your mom died?

iknowsomethings2 − NTA. Cut him out of your life like the weed he is. Block him, change your number, he had his chance to be your Dad and he failed, at every single point.. He left his 13 year old child ALONE after his f**king mother died. That is despicable and unforgivable..

These are the actions of his consequences. I hope Tommy ends up putting him in a home.. He only has one son now, the son he prioritised and poured all his blood sweat and tears into.. Don’t expend any more emotions on someone who doesn’t deserve it.. I’m so sorry you had such a s**tty sperm donor

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These Reddit roasts hit hard, but do they capture the full weight of this heartbreak? Or are they just cheering on the drama of a son’s stand?

This young man’s refusal to reconnect with his father is a gut-wrenching testament to the cost of neglect. His story, steeped in loss and resolve, reminds us that family isn’t just blood—it’s trust and presence. Can his father earn back what’s lost, or is the rift too deep? What would you do if faced with a parent who let you down? Share your thoughts—let’s unpack this raw, real saga.

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