AITA for ignoring my girlfriend after I had to help at her sisters wedding?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a winding road leading to a remote wedding venue, where the air hums with anticipation and a touch of chaos. Lily, a 21-year-old with a knack for keeping the peace, arrives with her girlfriend, Jay, ready to celebrate Jay’s sister’s big day. Expecting a light hand in setup, Lily’s instead thrust into a whirlwind of cooking, cleaning, and unrelenting tasks, her dress stained with frosting and her stomach growling. By night’s end, she’s not a guest but an exhausted worker, locking herself in a bathroom stall to escape.

Now home, Lily’s silence speaks louder than words, as Jay calls her unreasonable for feeling used. The sting of unmet expectations and family pressure lingers, leaving Lily questioning her role and her relationship. This story dives into the messy clash of duty, love, and personal limits, inviting readers to weigh in: when does helping family cross into exploitation, and how do you reclaim your voice?

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‘AITA for ignoring my girlfriend after I had to help at her sisters wedding?’

I’m a 21-year-old female (F21), and my girlfriend, Jay (F22), and I have been together for 4 years. Last weekend, her older sister Sarah (F25) got married, so we drove 5 hours to the wedding location. We arrived a day early to help with preparations.

Jay mentioned that we would be helping a little with setup, and I was totally okay with that. However, upon arriving at the remote location, I was told we needed to unload all of our luggage and then drive an hour and a half to the nearest Walmart for groceries.

After the long drive, I was feeling car sick but didn’t want to seem unhelpful in front of her family. While in the car, Jay's sister Ray informed me that they would need my help cooking a dish—specifically a corn salad. They didn’t really ask; it felt more like I was being told what to do.

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The next day, the wedding day, Ray woke us up at 6 AM, urging us to start early. I made the corn salad as planned, but before I knew it, I was cooking several other dishes as well. It was the wedding day, and I didn’t want to make a scene, so I went along with it.

We started cooking at 7 AM, and the ceremony was scheduled for 4:30 PM. Jay and I took a break around 3:30 PM to quickly get ready, rushing through hair and makeup. Once the ceremony concluded and the bride and groom left for pictures, we were pushed back into the kitchen to finish things up.

It was around 5:30 PM, and with dinner set for 6:30 PM, everyone began asking when food would be served. The kitchen was cramped, hardly larger than a closet. Because Jay’s sister Sarah didn’t want to take many pictures, everything concluded early, leading to even more pressure for us to serve dinner promptly.

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The floor was wet .While frosting cupcakes, someone bumped into me, and I got frosting on my dress. I went to the bathroom to clean up, and Jay followed because she could tell I was upset. I expressed my frustration, and she apologized, saying she didn’t think we’d be doing this much work. She assured me we were almost done and we could finish quicker if we all helped.

Once I finished the desserts and finally got to sit down, it was almost 9 PM, and I discovered there was no food left. I hadn’t eaten all day and had been on my feet since 7 AM, feeling pretty miserable. After about 30 minutes of rest, Raycalled us to help clean, and I just said, “Okay, I need to use the restroom first,” then locked myself in a stall.

If I had my own way home, I would have left long before.The day had already been tense, as Jay had a fight with her mom (unrelated) and was in a bad mood. All I wanted was to go home. Now that I’m home, Jay is trying to contact me, but I just want to be left alone. I feel mistreated and miserable; I thought I was a guest, not a worker.

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Jay is calling me an a**hole for ignoring her, saying it was just to help her sister. However, I was never asked to help cater the wedding—I was asked to attend.. So, do you think I'm the a**hole for being upset about having to help her sister

Weddings can turn loved ones into unwitting taskmasters, and Lily’s experience screams boundary overload. Expected to be a guest, she was roped into catering-level work without consent, leaving her drained and sidelined. Jay’s family assumed her compliance, while Jay’s apology—coupled with urging her to keep working—missed the mark. Lily’s retreat to the bathroom and subsequent silence reflect a need to reclaim agency after feeling erased.

Jay’s family likely saw Lily’s help as a team effort, but their failure to ask or acknowledge her sacrifice ignored her role as a partner, not staff. A 2019 study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships notes that unclear expectations in family settings can strain romantic relationships, with 65% of couples citing in-law dynamics as a conflict source (journals.sagepub.com). Lily’s car sickness and hunger compounded the unfairness.

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Relationship therapist Esther Perel advises, “Clear communication about roles prevents resentment; partners must advocate for each other” (estherperel.com). Lily could calmly tell Jay, “I felt used at the wedding; I need us to set boundaries with your family.” Couples counseling might help them align on mutual respect. For now, Lily should prioritize self-care, perhaps journaling to process emotions, and discuss expectations before future family events.

See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit squad dove into Lily’s wedding saga with gusto, dishing out a lively mix of sympathy and spicy takes. It’s like a virtual potluck where everyone’s got a hot opinion on family overreach. Here’s the unfiltered buzz from the community:

ChaosEdge88 − NTA but you need to speak with her , you were not invited to attend you were invited to be free labour . Sounds like you done the entire catering and to top it up you didn’t even get to eat from the food you actually cooked !

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Anyone would feel used and upset and your partner should know why , you weren’t helping you didn’t do one dish , you did most of the catering for a wedding cause your gfs sister and family didn’t want or couldn’t pay for catering . And instead of communicating things clearly , presumably to avoid you declining they masked it as a little help .

writesgud − Of course NTA. Those expectations should have been made clear from the beginning so you'd have a choice. Since they weren't, you were duped. Worse, Jay didn't stick up or defend your needs or interests to her family. She just let you be used..

(also, you would have been well within your rights to tell Ray 'no' at any point, FYI) Jay has some serious apologizing to do. Your ignoring her is completely understandable and is besides the main points above, that she has to own first.. And if Jay has trouble understanding that, show her this post.

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Own-Management-1973 − Send them a bill.

SafeWord9999 − Break up. But make sure you give Jay a piece of your mind for standing there and allowing them to treat you like the family servant and not stepping in.. Jay should be ASHAMED of herself

Odd_Task8211 − NTA. You were doing forced labor at an event where you were supposed to be a guest. There is no way they did not know how much work was involved.

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chippy-alley − INFO is there a history of 'forgiveness is easier than permission' in the family? Or is it less manipulation and more horrendously bad planning? Youre NTA either way. Leaving things like cupcakes until the same day is insane.

Expecting a *guest* who is wearing celebration clothing hair & make-up to be doing kitchen shifts is insane. And then its somehow the same guests job to clean up? Nuh-uh.. Either your girl knew and lied, or had no clue but cant see the issue. Both are problematic

BayAreaPupMom − Two possibilities: 1) Jay was taken by surprise as this is totally out of the ordinary for her family to behave as entitled jerks. 2) Jay is in denial that her family are entitled jerks. I think in the moment, I would have felt put on the spot myself as soon as it was clear there were no caterers. But they could have been kind and made you a plate at least, or ordered pizza.

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Even staff gets breaks while working. NTA, because I sense you feel taken advantage of by your GF and her family. I don't know if I would want to be in a relationship where the person's family is so inconsiderate. You will need to talk to her, but you need to decide what you want to say. This is a big deal to feel so mistreated in a relationship. It would be a breach of trust, for me.

DrDommy − NTA but Jay and her family are.

Bloodrayna − NTA You weren't a guest, you were the unpaid help.

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0biterdicta − ESH Jay should have checked in with you when it became clear how poorly planned this whole thing was, and made a bigger effort to help and support you once you expressed discomfort. At the same time, you admit you didn't say anything until fairly late in the wedding day.

You need to stand up for yourself, or you risk people thinking you're okay with what is happening. It also sounds like you're giving Jay the silent treatment which isn't a good way to handle issues. Let her know you need some space right now and will reach out when you're ready to chat.

Redditors mostly backed Lily’s frustration, slamming the family’s assumptions and urging her to stand firm. Some suggested a heart-to-heart with Jay, while others roasted the chaotic wedding setup. But do these fiery takes nail the nuance, or just stir the drama?

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Lily’s wedding ordeal shines a light on the blurry line between helping out and being taken for granted. Her exhaustion and hurt underscore the importance of consent in family duties, while her silence with Jay signals a need for better partnership. As she navigates this rift, the question looms: how do you balance love for a partner with protecting your own limits? Share your stories and advice below—what would you do if a family event turned you into unpaid staff?

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