AITA For cancelling the babysitter after my wife decided not to attend my work holiday party?

A long-planned holiday party meant to double as a rare date night for a couple with three young children unraveled when the wife, drained by a rough workday, opted to stay home. Her husband’s decision to cancel the babysitter, assuming she could handle the kids, ignited a firestorm of arguments and texts, cutting his night short. As resentment festers, their misaligned expectations lay bare a deeper marital strain.

This vivid tale of assumptions and stress crackles with relatable tension. How do couples balance personal needs with shared responsibilities?

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‘AITA For cancelling the babysitter after my wife decided not to attend my work holiday party?’

My (38M) work held our annual holiday party last Friday. It was held at one of those axe-throwing places which I had never done before so I figured it would be pretty fun. My wife (36F) and I have 3 kids (10, 8, & 5) so we don't get out of the house for dates very often. The holiday party was planned almost 2 months ago and my wife agreed to attend with me.

I suggested we make it more of a 'date' by either going out for drinks after the party or catching a late-night movie. She thought this was a good idea too. I also arranged for a babysitter to come watch the kids for that night. The day of the party, my wife got home from work and told me that she had a horrible day and was in a bad space mentally so she didn't want to come to the party.

I told her I was disappointed, but I understand if she wants to stay home. As I was getting myself ready to head to the party, I called the babysitter and cancelled. I apologized to her and offered to Venmo her an hours worth of our agreed rate ($30) to compensate for the cancellation and she agreed that was reasonable.

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As I was getting ready to leave, my wife asked when the babysitter was going to come. I kind of looked at her funny and told her I had just cancelled the babysitter because she was no longer coming with me. She got mad at me and told me that I knew she had a bad day and was in a bad mental state and needed some time to herself.

I told her that I had assumed none of that meant she was incapable of watching our kids and that I didn't think having the babysitter come when my wife was still home made any sense at all. She told me to call her back and see if she could still come watch the kids and I told her that if she wanted to do that she can do it, but I'm not going to.

She tried to argue with me about it, but I told her that I had to leave for the party. While I was at the party, she sent me multiple texts about how the kids were driving her nuts and that the babysitter didn't answer her calls and she needed me to come home. She kept blowing up my phone and I eventually left the party over an hour early to go home.

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When I got there, she kept arguing with me about how I was an AH for cancelling the babysitter when I knew she had a rough day. I told her I was not going to pay a babysitter just so that my wife can rest after a bad day. I told her she could have just thrown a movie on for the kids and relaxed.

I told her she was the one who ruined our potential night out and that having a bad day at work is not a good enough reason to pay a babysitter $150-200. She still thinks I was an AH for cancelling the babysitter without talking to her first and she's still mad at me for it.

But I don't think that was an unreasonable assumption to make considering that there have been plenty of times when I've had a bad day and I am still 100% capable of watching the kids by myself while my wife leaves the house.

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EDIT: Hey everyone, can we cool it with the purely speculative cheating angle? My wife goes to yoga class with 5 other moms from our neighborhood. So, unless they are all stepping out on their husbands or all in cahoots together, she's not cheating.

Our neighborhood isn't a reality TV show and real life isn't like that. She's an introvert and when she gets to her social limit, she doesn't want to go out. It's happened before which is why I didn't push her to come out with me.

Marital harmony often hinges on clear communication, and this couple’s clash stems from unspoken assumptions. The husband’s cancellation of the babysitter was logical—why pay $150-$200 when a parent is home?—but overlooked his wife’s mental overload, where even routine parenting felt overwhelming. Her failure to articulate her need for solitude, followed by incessant texts, escalated the conflict, while his defensive stance deepened the rift.

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Marriage counselor Dr. John Gottman notes, “Misaligned expectations fuel 70% of couple conflicts.” Studies show parents of young children experience heightened stress, with 60% reporting occasional breakdowns in communication, as here, where neither clarified their needs. The wife’s bad day, while valid, doesn’t inherently necessitate a babysitter, but her introversion suggests a deeper need for decompression.

This reflects broader issues of emotional labor in parenting. Dr. Gottman advises, “Couples should preemptively discuss stress responses.” The husband should have checked with his wife before canceling, and she should have voiced her need for rest. They need a calm post-party talk to set clearer boundaries and explore affordable self-care options.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit tackled this marital spat like it’s a parenting court case. Here’s the community’s unfiltered take:

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[Reddit User] − NTA. No sane persons going to spend $200 for a babysitter when a parent is actually home. She didn't have to take care of the kids. Based on their ages she could have made it a movie night or put their favorite shows on while she relaxed. My guess is she had other plans she didn't want you to know about and got upset because you canceled the babysitter which is super reasonable thing to do since she's staying home.

The fact she got so heated about it is odd. Who makes plans for a date night at a work party then decide last minute not to go because they had a bad day , that's pretty rude. The fact she just assumed you'd keep the babysitter despite your plans changing is weird and should be talked about.

[Reddit User] − What puts it into NTA for me is the fact that you are able to watch them when you have bad days. How often do you have date nights or time by yourself and herself respectively

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diamondnbronze − NTA. Why pay for a babysitter if she's home. They're old enough to entertain themselves. If mom says 'guys I'm too tired to be running around tonight dealing with messes. If I order pizza and put a movie on,

you have to promise to be quiet and leave me alone'. Basically, she's allowed to act like an adult and reason with her kids. 200$ for a babysitter and she has the guts to b**ch at you when SHE canceled something you were looking forward to...last minute?. She's TA.

SatelliteBeach123 − NTA. Seems odd that she's so upset over you cancelling the babysitter. Sounds like she made other plans that got derailed when she had to stay home with the kids.

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Business-Box-253 − NTA. I know zero parents that get a $200/night babysitter for a bad day.. Source: I’m a parent that knows lots of parents.

Darthkhydaeus − To all the people calling the OP an AH. I have personally never heard of anyone hiring a baby sitter while they were home because they had a bad day at work. Is this something people do?

Crazy_Turnip_8415 − NTA. I had terrible days at work. That did not mean I needed a day off from my children and spouse. If that was your wife’s expectation, she should have clarified herself and articulated clearly her expectations and needs.

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Chipmunk_rampage − As a working mom of 3 I’m firmly saying NTA. There is no need for a babysitter just for being in a crappy mood. You are more than capable of watching the kids. If you’re that miserable, just stick them in front of a movie with a treat. My kids are younger and I’d never expect to cancel a planned night and still get the sitter.

KronkLaSworda − NTA. She should have told you to keep the baby sitter. She made the poor assumption. Further, if she wanted to stay home and relax, she could pay the sitter herself. This is a problem she caused herself.

Sunnyok85 − ESH. you both really need to work on your communication. While it makes sense to cancel the babysitter, it could have been one of the things that was helping your wife hold onto her sanity in getting through the day. And she should have let you know she still wanted the sitter.

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Maybe the night could have been salvaged with her taking the time of your party to relax and destress and you both still could have gone for that date afterwards. All it would have taken was you saying “if you’re not coming to the party, I’ll call and cancel the babysitter” It would have given her a chance to respond.

But she should not have blown up your phone. At 10,8&5, the kids are old enough to grab snacks and watch a movie. The 5 year old would need some help with things, but the siblings should be able to do most of that. I think every parent has had a crappy day and still gone home and taken care of the kids. Most parents have had the flu and felt like death and still taken care of the kids.

But it does make parenting that much harder. And not all bad days and flus are the same. I know I have had bad days where I know if I come home I’m going to yell at the kids because my temper is done. A call to hubby and I don’t come home until I’ve had a chance to calm down, it’s only happened once, but the ability to calm myself without the stress of worrying about my attitude was what I needed.

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These sharp takes cut deep, but do they miss nuances? Is the wife entitled, or just overwhelmed?

This holiday party fallout weaves a story of clashing needs and missed signals. The husband’s babysitter cancellation, met with his wife’s fury over lost respite, sparks a debate about communication, parenting, and empathy in marriage. What would you do if a partner’s bad day derailed shared plans? Share your stories in the comments—let’s unpack this tense domestic tangle!

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