AITA for Calling Off My Wedding After I Found Out My Fiancé Was Still Seeing His Ex Without Telling Me?

Jonathan Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a whirlwind of emotions and wedding plans, one couple’s dream began to unravel when trust was broken. A soon-to-be bride found herself questioning everything after uncovering evidence that her fiancé had been secretly reconnecting with his ex. The shock and betrayal left her reeling, forcing a life-altering decision just weeks before the wedding. It’s a story that resonates with anyone who’s ever had their heart torn between love and loyalty.

The narrative is a modern cautionary tale about the importance of transparency and communication in relationships. It also highlights how even subtle betrayals can shatter trust. As we dive into the details of this dramatic turn of events, we explore the fine line between innocent friendship and emotional infidelity, setting the stage for a deeper conversation about commitment and honesty.

‘AITA for Calling Off My Wedding After I Found Out My Fiancé Was Still Seeing His Ex Without Telling Me?’

I (28F) have been with my fiancé, Tom (30M), for three years. He and his ex, Sara, were together for six years before we met, and she’s been a shadow hanging over us the entire time. At first, I understood...they shared a lot of history, and breakups can be tough. But we’re supposed to be each other’s future now. We’re planning our wedding, building a life, and I thought he was done with the past.

ADVERTISEMENT

A month ago, Tom got a random message from Sara asking for “closure.” He didn’t tell me about it, and instead of ignoring it or at least discussing it with me, he responded and met up with her. I found out when I saw a message on his phone that said, “Thanks for last night.” My heart dropped. When I confronted him, he swore nothing physical happened, saying he stayed over until early morning just “talking.”

I didn’t believe him, and what’s worse, he got defensive, calling me “insecure” for feeling betrayed. He says Sara “deserved closure” and that I should “understand” since he’s with me now. The more we talked, the more I realized he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.

I tried to explain how hurtful it was that he hid this, especially when he didn’t need to, but he made me feel like I was the problem for being “jealous of a friendship.”

ADVERTISEMENT

But here’s the kicker...Tom then had the audacity to tell me that this “needed to happen” so he could truly move on. He even suggested Sara should come to the wedding “as a friend” to “show everyone there’s no bad blood.” I was stunned. How could he think it’s appropriate to invite his ex to our wedding, someone he apparently still feels the need to “support”?

I’ve since called off the wedding, saying I need time to think, but my family and friends are split. Half say I should be able to trust him if he says nothing happened, and others think I’m totally justified.

Meanwhile, Tom’s been telling our friends that I’m “controlling” and making a big deal out of nothing, and now I’m second-guessing myself. AITA for putting my foot down, or am I overreacting to something that really was “innocent”?

ADVERTISEMENT

Letting love guide your decisions is often easier said than done, especially when unexpected secrets emerge. The story reminds us that trust is the cornerstone of any lasting relationship. When that trust is compromised, even by seemingly harmless actions, the consequences can ripple far beyond just hurt feelings. It’s a delicate balance between forgiveness and self-respect, and this case serves as a reminder that transparency is key in all intimate partnerships.

Digging a little deeper, the red flags in this situation speak volumes. The gradual distancing, delayed responses, and secretive behavior were warning signs that should never be ignored. When communication faltered, it created an opening for deception. The betrayal wasn’t about a single misstep; it was a pattern of behavior that eroded the foundation of their future together. Such instances remind us to trust our instincts when something just doesn’t feel right.

According to Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, “The ratio of positive to negative interactions is a reliable predictor of relationship success” [​]. His insight underscores that when negative interactions begin to dominate, the relationship’s balance can tip toward dysfunction. In this case, the secret meetings and hidden conversations weren’t just minor oversights—they were part of a larger pattern that threatened the couple’s bond. His perspective urges couples to address issues before they spiral out of control.

ADVERTISEMENT

Practical advice would be to always prioritize honest dialogue. Couples facing similar challenges might consider professional counseling to rebuild trust or, if necessary, reexamine whether the relationship can truly recover. This situation is a compelling reminder that love should be built on a foundation of complete honesty, and that ignoring red flags can have lasting consequences on both personal well-being and the promise of a shared future.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—candid and humorous in equal measure. The original comments reflect a mix of stern advice and empathetic support, capturing the raw emotions of modern relationship dilemmas.These opinions remind us that while some see the decision to call off the wedding as a necessary stand for self-respect, others warn against making rash decisions without open communication. Do these views mirror your own experiences, or do you think there’s another side to this story?

HoshiJones −  He stayed there overnight for 'closure'? Just how long does closure take? NTA. And he's badmouthing you to everyone, which only confirms your choice.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ordinaryflyaway −  NTA..you're the rebound.

Good-Gas-3293 −  NTA. He doesn’t sound over her at all. I’d be out so fast if I had a partner that wanted to bring her ex to the wedding.

beek_r −  NTA You should be able to trust Tom if he says nothing happened - but you can't. He has given you no reason to believe him - he didn't tell you about the meeting, he spent an entire night with Sara, and refused to talk about this burning need for closure with you. Why in the world would he commit to spending his life with you, if he hadn't already gotten 'closure?' What the heck does that even mean?

ADVERTISEMENT

And why would Tom get back with you if he thinks you're controlling and making a big deal out of nothing. Even if he thinks it's nothing, he's completely oblivious to the fact that you don't, and guilt tripping you over having feelings. You've dodged a bullet, and maybe Tom and his ex can console each other.

bibbiddybobbidyboo −  NTA. Ok, let’s say he didn’t cheat. He prioritised her feelings and emotional wellbeing over yours. He’s not ready to prioritise you, and therefore not ready to marry you.

Ok let’s say he got closure for him, then he wasn’t ready for a relationship let alone marriage to anyone. This is not your person. I promise there is someone out there. You may not find them for a while but you’re asking because you know this is a s**t show waiting to happen. Trust your gut.

ADVERTISEMENT

616Runner −  You’re second guessing yourself after he was telling everyone you’re controlling?

No_Jaguar67 −  Girl give him the ring back and move along. You were smart to cancel the wedding, but you are hanging on for nothing. After 3 years he shouldn’t have needed a damn thing from an ex. Find you a grown man to marry, not some boy who talks s**t about you to friends. NTA but you should have ended the relationship.. Updateme

Unlikely_Ad2116 −  NTA. IMHO a partner doesn't have to completely cut their exes out of their life. But in this case, your fiance' went behind your back. He should totally have told you, and been open about what he as doing. He didn't.

ADVERTISEMENT

And now that you know what happened, you're getting 'trickle truth.' 'Okay, we met for coffee.' 'Okay, we went to her house for a little while.' 'Okay, I stayed overnight, but I SWEAR nothing happened.' Next will be 'Okay, we did sleep together, but it didn't mean anything, it was just a final goodbye.' If you believe nothing physical happened that night, I have some oceanfront property in Kansas for sale.

Who gets invited to the wedding is (like most relationship decisions) a 'two yeses, one no' call. I'm glad good old Tom showed his true colors before the wedding. In your shoes, the last straw would be him trying to turn this back on you, calling you 'controlling', 'jealous of a friend', too sensitive, and dragging your reputation through the mud. Go visit Sara, put the engagement ring on her finger, and tell her 'Congratulations, you win.'

Fidiny −  He just got “first” closure. Second closure will be when they start fuking after the wedding. Final closure when he leaves you a year into marriage because he’s still in love with ex.

ADVERTISEMENT

No-Cartoonist8495 −  **NTA**. First of all, closure is a s**m. Second, I completely agree with you that there’s no way it was just talking if he stayed over her place until morning. He’s g**lighting you and invalidating how you feel over learning of this.

Also, why is your fiancé okay with giving an ex closure when he’s engaged? I mean was your fiancé going to even tell you about this meet up if you didn’t see the text from her? This feels like a total betrayal. I would say cut your losses and end the entire relationship completely. You can’t possibly trust this person moving forward. Save yourself the future heartache and end things OP! You deserve way better!!!

This dramatic twist in a wedding tale challenges us to consider the true meaning of trust and commitment. When secrets are unearthed, they force us to reassess not only our relationships but also our own boundaries and expectations. What would you do if faced with a similar betrayal? We invite you to share your thoughts, experiences, and advice—let’s open up a discussion on the importance of honesty in love and whether some breaches can ever be truly forgiven.

ADVERTISEMENT
Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *