AITA For Being Quiet When My Fiancé’s Family Speaks Their Native Language?

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A woman’s engagement joy dims as her future father-in-law questions her quietness, fearing she’s not right for his son. Visiting her fiancé’s Scandinavian family, she struggles to keep up with their native language, despite her efforts to learn it. Fluent in English, they rarely switch, leaving her sidelined in conversations.

When her father-in-law confronts her, she explains the language barrier, but he insists she should contribute more. Torn between respect and inclusion, she wonders how to bridge the gap. With her fiancé now backing her, Reddit’s buzzing with advice, and we’re diving into this cross-cultural conundrum.

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‘My (31F) future FIL (59M) told me he is worried about me marrying his son because I am quiet, but whenever I visit they speak in their native language which I don’t understand well. How to move on from here?’

Context: I am from an English speaking country and my fiancé is Scandinavian. I speak only English, fiancé and his family speak English fluently as a second language. Fiancé and I dated for 5 years and recently became engaged. I learnt his language for about 2 years through a mix of Duolingo and in-person classes.

I can comprehend a basic conversation but I find it very difficult to articulate myself when speaking. I stopped actively learning the language when my fiancé moved to my country a 3+ years ago, where we now live together and speak English 100% of the time. An ongoing issue has been that whenever we visit my fiancé’s family in their country they all speak in their language together despite their ability to fluently speak English.

This means I am often left out of conversations as I quickly lose the flow and end up not contributing. It is completely understandable that they speak in their native language but we have friends and other family in the country that will switch between the two, or speak just in English if I am there.

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I have spoken to my fiancé about this many times, and suggested that I say when I don’t understand, but he says that it would be weird to ask his family to speak in English, so out of politeness I have never outright asked for then to switch to English.

My fiancé has also said that if the conversation doesn’t involve something that happened to me, then it doesn’t need to be in English. Long story short, whenever I see fiancee’s family all they hear from me is single sentence answers in their language, or I speak in English when I have understood more of the topic.

To the main issue: On our most recent visit to his family, future father-in-law (FIL, 59M) angrily told me (in English) that he feels doesn’t know me and that he wants to protect his son from me, because I never speak and seem distracted. He made me look him in the eye and tell him I loved his son (this all happened with my fiancé present).

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I explained that the reason I am so quiet is because I am trying to follow along and am having to translate in my head constantly. I cannot contribute as much as I would like to because the conversation moves so quickly and it is difficult for me to keep track. 

FIL said that because I had taken language classes I could ‘understand what’s being said’ and that I should contribute more. I explained that I can’t understand enough of the conversation to be able to contribute, although I admitted I could have pointed out if I had lost track.

FIL would not listen and kept repeating that he doesn’t know me and that he wants to protect his son. I am upset and confused that FIL has never brought this up before now and I am torn as to whether I should have tried harder to learn my fiance’s language. I am unsure what to do going forward - would it be fair of me to ask his family to speak English at least some of the time so that I can contribute fully?

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Edit to add: My fiance did stand up for me in the outburst with his father and told him to shut the f**k up and listen to me, that I can’t understand Danish fully so how should I be able to contribute, etc etc. I have had my fiance’s support over the years and he has tried to initiate conversations in English but his family’s insistence on responding in Danish has made it difficult.

My fiance has been guilty of just replying in Danish and letting the conversation go on in Danish, but now that we’ve spoken about that we have agreed to both push harder for the conversations to be initiated in English and for my fiance to speak a lot less Danish back to get the point across more.

This woman’s struggle with her fiancé’s family highlights a clash of cultural expectations and communication. Her future father-in-law’s outburst—questioning her quietness and love for his son—stems from a misunderstanding of her language barrier. Her efforts to learn their Scandinavian language show commitment, but fluency takes years, and their insistence on speaking it excludes her, despite their English fluency.

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Etiquette expert Myka Meier notes, “Inclusion in multilingual settings means prioritizing shared languages.” The family’s choice to speak their native tongue, while natural, overlooks her presence, especially since they’re capable of English. Her fiancé’s initial reluctance to advocate for English conversations enabled this, though his recent support is a step forward. The FIL’s reaction, though harsh, may reflect cultural norms valuing verbal engagement, but his approach was unfair, ignoring her perspective.

The broader issue is inclusion in cross-cultural families. About 20% of international couples face language-related tensions, per relationship studies. Her suggestion to request English sometimes is reasonable, fostering mutual respect. She and her fiancé could set clear expectations before visits, like, “We’ll use English for group talks to include me.” Resuming language lessons could boost her confidence, but the family’s effort is equally crucial.

She might address FIL privately: “I value your family and want to connect, but I need English to participate fully.” Couples therapy could align her and her fiancé’s approach.

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Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s community offered empathy and sharp insights, urging respect and inclusion. Here’s their unfiltered take:

rthrouw1234 − He made me look him in the eye and tell him I loved his son (this all happened with my fiancé present).. And what was your fiance's reaction to this? because if he didn't immediately tell FIL to f**k right off...

hancau − Thanks everyone, I’ve spoken with fiance and we’ve looked through all your comments together. I didn’t properly point out that he did stand up for me in the moment when his dad got angry. But we have acknowledged that by him having spoken Danish with them all the time,

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it reinforced the idea in his family’s head that I understood what was being said, or that it gave the subconscious go-ahead to continue in Danish, which led to these hours long conversations where I was left out. Fiance and I have talked through different things to try next time such as initiating conversations in English only,

only responding in English, and if his family continue to speak Danish my fiance will translate or turn to me and make sure I understand. He will also tell his family in advance that we are going to be doing this so they become aware of the impact it has on me being left out. It doesn’t excuse his dad’s behaviour and I still object to being called quiet when I had no chance to contribute, so I’ll probably be keeping a polite distance anyway.

[Reddit User] − This is so offensive to you, OP. I'd set a firmer boundary; if his family is not going to speak in the only shared fluent language when you visit, you don't visit. You're not marrying his family. You don't need to love or like them. Basic respect, at a distance, will do. I'd have a long, hard talk with your fiance, too, because it seems he will pick them over you every time. There's no way a marriage can survive that. 

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dntw8up − I grew up fluent in four languages and my parents taught me that, when you have an option, it is incredibly rude to speak in front of others in a language they don’t understand. Your fiancé and his parents are behaving unacceptably; to me, their behavior is akin to overt racism. Please respect yourself and demand others do likewise.

[Reddit User] − Your fiancé is failing you, badly. He thinks it would be weirder to ask his family to speak a shared language than for you to constantly feel awkward and left out? Why did he not stand up for you when his father was accusing you of not loving him? Why do your feelings and ability to connect with his family mean so little to him?

His dad humiliated you and he did...what exactly? This isn't a language issue, it's a respect issue. Someone who respects you would either express the need for a language you understand to be spoken or translate for you, and they would certainly not allow their family to blatantly disrespect you right in front of them.

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All of these people sound rude as hell. Who speaks a language they know someone present doesn't speak and then blames them for not speaking? You would be entirely fair to ask them to speak English but the bigger problem is that your fiancé should have been doing that all along and would rather you be excluded than do so. Do with that what you will.

PrancingPudu − Wow. As someone who lived in another country for the majority of my twenties, I cannot tell you how often I had to explain to family and friends back home that living there would not magically make me fluent. **Learning new languages is hard.** Some people have more of a knack for it than others, and it’s incredibly ignorant and insensitive of your FIL to attack you like this—and publicly, no less.

I have to ask…what the heck did your fiancé do?? Did he not defend you AT ALL?! I would be livid if I had married someone from where I was living and my parents said something like this to them. It’s so embarrassingly ignorant and rude.

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Sorry_I_Guess − I come from a community where most people speak *at least* two languages and many speak more. I have a ridiculous amount of lived experience of being around people who do not share a mother tongue with me. Nearly 50 years of experience. And I want to tell you: you're very kind to try to be understanding, but your in-laws don't deserve your kindness.

It is *absolutely not* 'understandable' that they primarily speak their mother tongue around you, knowing that you are not conversationally fluent, while you are visiting, when they *are* fluent in English. It is, in fact, unspeakably rude. Like, truly obnoxious. There are only two reasons to converse in a language that your guest doesn't understand:

1) you don't speak their language fluently, so it's tricky for everyone; or 2) as a momentary aside to someone else present, because you need to convey information to them quickly (e.g. telling someone to go turn the stove off, please, before the pot boils over).

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That's it. All meaningful conversation when you have a guest present, and you all share a language, should be in that shared language. It is simple, basic etiquette and inclusion. To do otherwise is just unbelievably rude. Literally the only people I know who would behave like your in-laws are people that pretty much everyone who knows them agree that they are boorish and have no manners. This is a common understanding in polyglot circles.

You seem lovely, and are clearly trying to keep the peace, but it is not your job to travel all that way just to have your in-laws *pointedly exclude you from even regular conversation* (and that is what they're doing) and be bluntly rude to your face, like your FIL. Oh, and what your husband said? Absolutely not.

*Any conversation that is being had with you in the room is a conversation that 'has to do with you', by virtue of your presence.* Speaking at length, while you're standing there, in a language you cannot participate in, is deliberately walling you out. It's disgusting. It's great that you have tried to learn their language, but until *you* say that you are comfortable conversing in it, they should be speaking English because you are their guest.

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You are absolutely within your rights to tell your husband that you are no longer going to go to great lengths to visit his family, who clearly do not value you or your presence in their home, and who have made that very clear by openly excluding you at every turn.

QueenofthaNorth − Let me guess… your fiance is Danish?

tiredandshort − your fiance is kind of wack

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TrifleMeNot − Your future FIL (I'd rethink that btw) has no business making relationship decisions for his son. What business is it of his? You're not a gold digging, serial k**ler are you? You should not even have engaged him in discussing your feelings for his son.

These Reddit takes are bold, but do they point to the best path? Can she mend ties with her FIL while staying true to herself?

This story of a language barrier and a FIL’s doubts shows how cultural gaps can strain family ties. Her quietness wasn’t disinterest but a struggle to keep up, and her fiancé’s new resolve to push for English offers hope. Reddit’s call for inclusion and respect rings true, but bridging this divide will take effort. So, readers, what’s your take? Would you demand English or dive deeper into their language? How do you build bonds across cultures? Share your stories below and let’s keep the conversation flowing!

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