AITA for asking my stepdaughter’s absentee mom why I’m expected to stick up for her when she doesn’t?

Blended families can be challenging, but one stepmother (31F) is facing backlash after refusing to advocate for her 18-year-old stepdaughter Veronica during a family crisis. Veronica, who has been argumentative and emotionally volatile for years, was recently asked to leave the home by her father after a disrespectful comment at dinner.

When Veronica begged to return, her father refused, and her biological mother (who abandoned her 13 years ago) contacted the stepmother on Instagram, asking her to plead Veronica’s case. The stepmother responded that she sees no reason to “stick her neck out” for Veronica when the biological mother never did so meaningfully. Now the stepmother is being called an asshole by some family members and online commenters. Is she wrong for refusing to intervene?

‘AITA for asking my stepdaughter’s absentee mom why I’m expected to stick up for her when she doesn’t?’

The stepmother explained the family background and Veronica’s behavior:

The decision to disengage and the final incident:

The eviction and the biological mother’s involvement:

Blended family dynamics can be extremely challenging, especially when a child feels abandoned by one parent and then struggles with emotional regulation and resentment. Therapists specializing in stepfamily relationships emphasize that both parents have a responsibility to provide emotional support, boundaries, and therapy when needed. Ignoring or avoiding a teenager’s emotional outbursts—especially one who has experienced parental abandonment—often exacerbates the problem and can lead to deeper feelings of rejection.

The stepmother’s decision to defer completely to her husband’s “don’t engage” policy, rather than seeking professional help or trying to build a relationship, contributed to the breakdown. Experts note that stepparents are not obligated to be primary emotional caregivers, but complete disengagement can make the child feel like an outsider in their own home. The husband’s choice to evict an 18-year-old after years of emotional neglect (without apparent attempts at therapy or family counseling) is concerning and likely to cause long-term harm.

The biological mother’s abandonment and minimal involvement are indefensible, and her late intervention feels hypocritical. However, the stepmother’s response to her—pointing out her absence—was harsh but understandable given the history. Experts recommend family therapy (even if only for the stepmother, husband, and younger sons) to address the damage and prevent similar patterns with their own children.

Ultimately, the situation reflects years of unaddressed trauma and poor communication. The stepmother is not solely responsible, but her choice to remain silent and disengaged contributed to the outcome. The family needed professional intervention long before it reached eviction.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

The community was divided, with many harshly criticizing the stepmother and husband for emotional neglect and abandonment, while some acknowledged the stepdaughter’s difficult behavior. Opinions fell into clear threads.

A large group called the stepmother and husband assholes for neglecting and abandoning Veronica:

Some blamed the biological mother’s abandonment but still criticized the stepfamily:

A few noted the LDS context and possible cult-like dynamics:

This story reveals deep pain from abandonment, emotional neglect, and religious family dynamics. Most commenters feel the stepmother and husband failed Veronica by disengaging instead of seeking help.

What do you think—would you have tried to help Veronica, or supported your husband’s decision? Share your thoughts below!