AITA because I do not want to “Mom” my partner’s daughter (a thing we agreed to in advance)?

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Imagine a cozy three-bedroom home, where a woman savors her independence, only to find her carefully set boundaries tested. Welcoming her partner and his 10-year-old daughter into her inherited house, she was crystal clear: she’d be a friend, not a stepmom. No school runs, no daily cooking, just fun moments like baking cakes. But now, her partner’s pushing for more, grumbling about her refusal to “mom” his girl. Was she wrong to hold her ground? This Reddit tale Reddit Post unravels a clash of expectations.

The story brims with the tension of blending lives while guarding personal limits. As we dive into her words and Reddit’s spicy takes, get ready for a peek into the messy, relatable world of modern relationships and stepfamily dynamics.

‘AITA because I do not want to “Mom” my partner’s daughter (a thing we agreed to in advance)?’

I'm 44, never had kids. My partner is 42, and he has a 10 year old girl. He separated from Girl's mother when she was 4. I met him about a year later. After about two years into the relationship he asked about living together. Since they sold the house in the divorce and were renting, and I inherited a property from my grandparents a few years prior - it sort of made sense they'd move in with me..

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It's a 3 bedroom house, and Girl was given my Uncle's childhood room. I have told my partner prior, though, that while I like his daughter, and she is welcome in my home and life, I will not be a stepmother to Girl. Please do not take this is me being unkind to her. Girl and I get on pretty ok - we do nice things together like baking cakes and do little roadtrips and the like.. 

I have said, though, that any specific 'parent' duties I would not do. One of the big ones is taking and bringing her to school. I think that's his responsibility. Partly also because I work 10 to 6 and school hours don't really mesh well with my job. I sleep in while partner brings Girl to work, and I'm still at work when Girl needs picking up.

Partner had a pre-set routine that worked with this. I do not intend to change my work hours, let alone my job to accommodate this..  Same for hobbies. I do not want to be the person being her chauffeur for hobbies. PTA meetings and everything school related (though I will obviously help her with homework if she has a question I know the answer to).

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 Cooking. I have said I will cook twice a week, 3 times max. The other times Partner can cook, we order takeway, I don't care. I try to have a nice family meal when I DO cook, but I don't want to be in the kitchen all the time. I rarely cooked for myself - and frankly I think it's also ok to have a non-hot meal once a week or so.

Things like this. I think it's generally reasonable. But lately Partner has been complaining he wants me to do more, wants me to be more involved on these things - especially the bringing to school we clash on, but that one's a hard line for me.

Another thing is he found out that I'm leaving a fair amount of my inheritence to my niece, nephew and my favorite cousin (and Partner!) - but not Girl. He is quite upset about this. I have told him that, if anything, after less than two years together it's at the very least premature to expect that.. So reddit, AITA?

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Blending households is like mixing oil and water—possible, but it takes work. This woman’s stance on not parenting her partner’s daughter was clear from the start, yet his push for more suggests a misaligned vision. Her boundaries, like skipping school runs due to work, prioritize her career and autonomy. As relationship expert Dr. John Gottman notes, “A relationship thrives when partners honor each other’s needs” (The Gottman Institute). Here, the partner’s pressure risks breaking that trust.

Her perspective is rooted in self-awareness: she enjoys the girl but isn’t equipped for daily parenting. His expectation that she’d “warm up” to a stepmom role—plus his upset over her inheritance plans—hints at unspoken assumptions. This clash mirrors broader issues in stepfamilies, where roles often blur.

A 2023 study by the Pew Research Center shows 40% of U.S. adults in blended families struggle with role clarity (Pew). Her firm boundaries protect her identity, but the girl’s emotional needs matter too. The partner’s failure to discuss changes respectfully fuels the conflict.

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Solutions lie in honest talks. They could revisit their agreement, perhaps compromising on small tasks she’s comfortable with, like occasional hobby support, while he handles core duties. Couples counseling could align their goals.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit brought the heat, dishing out cheers, jeers, and a few hard truths about this domestic standoff. Here’s a slice of the community’s unfiltered takes, straight from the comments.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Those are very reasonable boundaries, and they draw a clear line between you and boyfriend for his daughter that will be extremely helpful if things don’t work out, so her routine is less disrupted.

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If he wants you to have a more active role in her life or share in any of these responsibilities, he needs to be talking marriage, and it sounds as if you’re thinking it’s too early for that. Even then, it’s best if certain things are left up to dad.

milee30 − I was ready to write how you're TA for being with someone with a child but not being willing to treat that child well, but none of the things you described are mistreatment of the child, they're division of labor issues. You're not refusing to 'parent', you've just agreed in advance on which tasks you both will do and now he wants to change the agreement.

If you agreed in advance that it would be his job to take his daughter to school and now he wants you to, that has little to do with 'parenting' her and much more to do with him wanting you to do chauffeur work.. NTA for wanting to stick to the agreed upon division of labor regarding his child.

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[Reddit User] − ESH. I'm saying this from personal experience. My father remarried when I was a teenager. I have two younger siblings, and she had two kids. They both decided that they wouldn't 'be stepparents' to the others' kids, that they would take care of their own kids. This still affects us to this day as adults.  We felt unloved and unwanted by the other parent.

There was a lot of conflict and resentment created by them dividing the household like this. We as kids didn't realise how much it affected the other parents' kids until adulthood, where we ended up all resenting our respective parent for having put us through this. As an adult it may just seem that you're simply dividing up 'parental' tasks.

But these tasks are part of an everyday life that is part of portraying love and affection towards a child. By outwardly refusing to do them, you risk her feeling unwanted. And tbh, it sounds like you're not thrilled with her being there. She's going to pick up on this and it's going to hurt her.

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She didn't decide to be in this situation. Her dad should be the one ensuring that his partner will love and respect her, and if he doesn't he's TA. YTA if you're going to outright deny her these things as an important adult in her life.

unlocklink − This is a tough one...I'm going to go with NTA - because you were open about this from the start. Your partner is kinda TA because nonoarent should go into a living situation with their child and partner if the partner isn't all in on the co-parenting thing....in my opinion.

This kinda reads to me that your partner assumed you would change your mind and become a parent eventually ...which to me is similar to agreeing to a relationship with someone who doesn't want kids, saying it's ok..but then expecting them to change their mind, and resenting them when they dont

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NovaGass − NTA. I am assuming he agreed to this list of demands prior to moving in and therefore he has no room to complain. Honestly, the sleep schedule you would need for your job conflicts with alot of this so it just makes sense. I'm not even talking about the inheritance, because he/ his daughter would have zero rights unless you're married and even then it's still yours to give out.

crockofpot − ESH. While you were clear about your boundaries, it's unrealistic to get involved with a person with a child, live with them, and not expect to take a stepparent role. However, your husband sucks for his sense of entitlement, *especially* to the inheritance. That seems like a yellow flag if not a red flag.

ManoftheOasis − Upon further evaluation, I'm going NTA. You made clear from the get go that you had no desire to be a parent, period. You explicitly laid down that you would not take on any formal parental role in this girl's life.. In fact, he came into the relationship with full agreement that this would be the arrangement.

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Unfortunately, all of this may well be meaningless in the eyes of your partner. As stated by the other commenters, it's very possible, if not likely, that your partner came into the relationship INITIALLY in agreement to your edict of non-involvement in a parental capacity but had it in his head that you would inevitably change your mind or would 'snap out it'.

That with the passage of time, your feelings and/or mindset regarding the matter would diverge as you became more friendly with and accustomed to her presence. This kind of flawed thinking seems to be commonplace in these types of situations where one partner is firmly childfree and the other either has children previously or wants them in the future.

Typically, this sort of disconnect just doesn't bode well for a relationship. You may believe your partner understood this coming in, but it may well be that they did not. Or, rather, selfishly believed otherwise. In any case, it is best that you either try have a serious chat with your partner regarding this matter and FIRMLY settle it going forward or reevaluate your relationship with him altogether.

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arezoofr − NTA you were very clear about the role you do and don't accept and your partner, as much as he can be disapoint that his secret fantasy about a perfect family won't happen ever, has no right to resent you or to force you or to shame you.. Also for the herirage thing...... wtf? So inappropriate from him.

llamamama08 − ESH except Girl. He sucks for living with someone that doesn't really want anything to do with his kid and you suck for being with someone with a kid when you don't want anything to do with that kid. It's not enough that you just tolerate her and aren't mean to her.

Kids know when they are viewed as a constant inconvenience and this arrangement sets her up for constant r**ection. It sounds like this arrangement was agreed upon by the two of you without regard as to how it would affect Girl.

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IkeBit − NTA You set up reasonable boundaries for living together in you house, which your partner agreed on. You're accommodating to his daughter, and he has no reason to complain. He especially agreed to you not being the chauffeur.

These opinions are Reddit at its finest—raw and rowdy—but do they solve the puzzle or just add fuel?

This tale of boundaries and blended homes reveals the tightrope of living with a partner’s child. Was she wrong to stick to her no-stepmom stance, or was her partner out of line for pushing? Reddit’s split, but the real fix lies in communication. If you were balancing love, limits, and a kid’s needs, how’d you handle it? Drop your stories and hot takes below—let’s keep this chat buzzing!

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