AITA for refusing to marry my awful old boss and hanging up on her?
A wedding planner and ordained minister who runs a venue business refused to officiate his abusive former boss’s New Year’s Day wedding—even though she begged him after her pastor got COVID. He endured years of screaming abuse from her at a previous job, and when she started yelling again over the phone, he hung up.
He sent her a list of other officiants and even suggested a friend or family member get a quick online ordination, but she called him an asshole for not just doing it himself. Now he’s wondering if he’s wrong for refusing, especially since he believes she and her fiancé aren’t equipped for a healthy marriage. The community is split: many praise him for standing up to a bully, while others call him judgmental for gatekeeping who gets married.
‘AITA for refusing to marry my awful old boss and hanging up on her?’
The OP runs a wedding venue and is a selective ordained minister:
He described his abusive history with her:
She got angry and he hung up:
This situation highlights a crucial boundary: the right of any officiant—religious or secular—to refuse to perform a ceremony if it conflicts with their conscience or professional standards. The OP’s selective approach (only marrying couples he believes are equipped for lifelong commitment) is ethically defensible, especially given his religious convictions. Refusing to officiate for someone who was abusive to him in the past is even more reasonable—it’s self-protection, not discrimination.
The ex-boss’s entitlement and abusive behavior (yelling, emails) show she hasn’t changed, making his decision even more justified. His concern about the fiancé’s well-being adds a layer of moral responsibility: officiating a marriage he believes is doomed could feel like enabling harm.
Relationship and ethics expert Dr. Harriet Lerner notes: “Saying no to requests that violate your boundaries—especially from toxic people—isn’t rude; it’s self-respect. When someone has a history of abuse, refusing involvement is healthy. You don’t owe anyone your time, skills, or endorsement.”
Practical advice: Keep records of abusive emails for potential legal protection. If she escalates, consider a cease-and-desist letter. His apology for hanging up was classy—maintaining professionalism protects his business. He did the right thing by providing alternatives. Ultimately, no one is entitled to force an officiant to perform a ceremony against their will, especially when trust is broken.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
The community was divided. Most supported the OP as NTA for refusing to officiate and hanging up on abusive behavior, while a vocal minority called him ESH or YTA for being “judgmental” about who gets married.
Most praised him for protecting himself and not enabling a toxic bride:
Some felt he was judgmental and arrogant about who deserves marriage:
Some acknowledged her awfulness but criticized his attitude:
This story shows how past workplace abuse can resurface in unexpected ways—and why it’s valid to protect yourself from toxic people, even if they’re paying customers. The OP was right to refuse to officiate a wedding he didn’t believe in and to hang up on abusive behavior.
What do you think? Should officiants have the right to refuse any wedding? Have you ever dealt with a toxic ex-boss in a new context? Share your thoughts in the comments—we’d love to hear your experiences!
